*sigh*

Aug. 5th, 2016 04:43 pm
catharsis_logs: (marilynspock incredulous)
[personal profile] catharsis_logs
Today I freaked myself out by not being able to get out of bed the second time after saying 'see ya' to my dad. The want was there, but the will... wasn't. Finally I got so anxious I somehow managed to force myself out of bed but man, I don't want to do or go through that again. I get it sometimes, but never to the extent where I freak myself out.

Today is a 'hard' day for me. To re-quote myself "The want [is] there, but the will...[isn't]." I want to write, but I have no ideas or willpower all of a sudden. Today is the kind of day where I would stare at a blank sheet of paper and then look up at the ceiling and sigh. I suppose this is kind of writing, but it's the self-indulgent kind of writing where I'm writing about myself, and that's easy. I fool myself sometimes into thinking that only 'hard' things are worth it, and when I'm being productive I'm being 'good' and when I'm being unproductive I'm being 'bad'. Which isn't true, and I know that, but sometimes the feeling is still there.

Although I did get a lot done today... My sis mopped the floor, organized the mail, and I swept and cleaned some dishes so that my dad could come home to a relatively clean house. So I got more done than I realized. But now I'm tempted to go back to bed, because I'm sleepy. Lately I've been waking up every day at three in the afternoon when I want to be awake earlier than that and stay awake too.

It's really hard for me to be awake for long periods of time during the day. For some reason at night I get a second wind and I'm awake-awake-awake but god forbid I stay awake during most of the day. By three, if I'm awake at ten, I'm flagging and want to take a nap.

Sometimes me and my depression is like me slamming into a fully clear bulletproof glass window like a bird trying to break its neck on a window, or a bee/flying insect bumping against the glass again and again, and not seeming to know that the glass is there, but being able to see beyond, to the destination but just. not. being able. to. get. there. That's the main symptom of my depression, the ability to know what I should be doing, and want to be doing but being unable to do those things without a tremendous amount of effort and slamming into that glass wall in my mind. It's almost like the glass is a door, too, and I'm pressing against it with all of my might but it's not budging, it's also porus in a way, so it bends when I'm pushing it, like I'm trying to push through and it's hard work, so eventually I just go watch a livestream and sit there. on my ass. basically doing nothing. Ugh.

Date: 2016-08-06 12:26 am (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
*reading*

I empathize with this: "the ability to know what I should be doing, and want to be doing but being unable to do those things without a tremendous amount of effort", it sounds familiar, and I am so sorry that the brain weasels are after you to this extent.

You did things and that is good. You wrote and yes it counts. You did dishes. What is more, you hung in there and are still shoving back at your depression. Living with depression is itself an achievement. You deserve tasty food and purring cats and warm shawls or whatever your equivalents of those things are, just for getting up. Just for trying to get up. You should have awesome shiny things because you are amazing.

>>Lately I've been waking up every day at three in the afternoon when I want to be awake earlier than that and stay awake too.<<

Ugh scrambled circadian rhythms suck. Why on earth bodies decide to torment people by adopting the belief that night is day without adapting to function well on that schedule...ugh, I dunno. Bodies and brains are weird.

Sympathy and *offering virtual hugs.*

Date: 2016-08-06 04:11 am (UTC)
enemyofperfect: a spray of orange leaves against a muted background (Default)
From: [personal profile] enemyofperfect
Depression and sleep trouble are both so tough. That's such a great description about the transparent wall you're just barely capable of moving, too.

It totally does sound like you did a lot today, though, and I really want to speak up in favor of so-called self-indulgent writing, too! Especially given the thought and creativity you put into describing where you've been today in this very entry. I definitely have trouble giving myself credit for "easy" things sometimes too -- as well as realizing that my worth isn't actually tied up in what I get done -- but every little bit of practice does count. :)

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