catharsis_logs: (overthinking)
[personal profile] catharsis_logs
I'm thinking about giving up on writing. Giving myself a break from expectation and turning my eyes to other jobs I might want to do, like work with computers, or program games, or create games, or get an office job doing something safe sitting in a chair where I don't have to strain my body or even my mind too hard.

I dunno, I just haven't been feeling it recently. And every time my dad talks about me and my 'writing' I feel bad, because I'm not writing. That's kind of the problem actually. I've lost the zen feeling that usually came with writing. With other art, like sketching, I can kinda lose myself in the act of creation, my mind is completely focused in on what I'm doing. With writing, I've lost that feeling recently. Well, I have that feeling when I do write, but that feeling's getting rarer and rarer.

I've also fallen into the trap of thinking of writing as work, and putting too much expectation on it as a sellable product. And that brings me to my next point:

My crippling insecurity and poor self-esteem. I used to think I was good at writing, and I still kinda do. But one thing negative college has taught me is how much I don't know and how much effort I have to put into anything worthwhile. Well, I'm having a mostly fine time doing effortless things than 'putting my all' into something. When I put my all into something, it ends up hurting more when that thing doesn't turn out all that good.

I'm still writing mostly every day. But it's all journal stuff, which is fine but I don't especially consider that "writing". And my dad asking me about my writing, makes me feel like I'm lying to him. I want to write, but I don't want all this pressure to write. I want it to be fun again, I want to not think about how hard it is to write and just write. I want to improve my skills but I don't want to freak out about my lack of skills.

I've been thinking recently of getting into a different 'hobby'. (Not that writing is a hobby for me anymore. Which sucks, but whatever) I'm mostly interested in collage, collage comics, and, strangely and semi-hopelessly, minatures. I've also been thinking of slooooowly building up a copic marker collection, as my new thing to collect lol. And then actually using those markers, perhaps in my collages. I just want something creative to focus in on that isn't writing. I just... I need a break, and I need to acknowledge compassionately that I need a break.

*sad sigh*
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