nervous

Sep. 4th, 2016 04:24 am
catharsis_logs: (reminder to dance like hell)
[personal profile] catharsis_logs

So, after un-ironically making a new account on Twitch with the user name "Nonbinary_Rogue" I've come out to myself as nonbinary/bigender/demiboy/genderfluid/etc/I can't decide on a box. And I've felt the pressure to come out to my dad too. So I did... via letter and collage. UGH. I just needed to share my feelings with someone I really care about and who cares about me. He might be confused, but he'll be supportive. He might have trouble with pronouns but for someone who was born in the late forties he's handling all of this fairly well. I also included an article for him to read to *maybe* understand things better. Any way, here's the gist of the letter, and also some extra:

[written on Sept 1, 2016]
Today I have some complicated gender feels. Lying in bed and articulating to myself that I am someone who has a ‘woman’s mind’ who prefers a ‘male body’.

I’m primarily identifying as nonbinary, and am beginning to understand that *I* cannot be understood, even to myself. I am not something easily quantified and shoved into a box. This realization hurts a little, but the hurt is mostly about other people’s discomfort about my being unable to be labeled ‘properly’. The remainder of the hurt is that I feel like an alien alone on this planet, and that’s a lonely feeling. I worry that nobody else feels like I do.

To go into potentially offensive territory, I feel almost like a trans woman, except I have no desire to change my body *back* to feminine. Though I *do* have the desire to wear women’s clothes, primarily cute things, like dresses. A part of me *aches* to be able to wear dresses. A part of me hates that I’m “denied” dresses and cute accessories.

I don’t regret transitioning, like, at all. I love that I don’t have breasts, I love that I don’t have the ability to bear children anymore. What I don’t love is my society’s expectations. That to be transgender on the masculine-bodied side means that I should exemplify being *masculine* or that I should excise all things that are not masculine from my being and my soul. But I *can’t* because my mind is feminine, and my feminine mind prefers a male body, male hormones, male genitals.

To go into even more potentially offensive territory, I wish that I were intersex, because at least that would give me an excuse to give to people. “So sorry, I exemplify both/all genders, I cannot be shoved into one box or the other, it’s biology’s fault(1), not mine.” And of course that’s overlooking the pain and uncertainty that intersex people go through, my view of being intersex is a privileged view *because* I’m not intersex.

(1)Not that it’s anyone’s *fault*, besides binary thinking being so harmful. My ultimate reality would be to have breasts *and* a penis *and* a vagina, but I’ll live with only having a flat chest and a vagina and maybe eventually a penis.

I suppose I’m lucky. I can have prosthetics of both of what I want. When I want to have breasts I can put on a prosthetic pair, and when I want a penis I can put on a prosthetic penis. I can wear a dress with or without breasts or a penis. I can even go out in public, but going out in public I put myself in potential danger. Two dangers. One danger as a “man in a dress” and the other danger as just simply the danger of being a woman in the world.

[Not included in the coming out letter] There are lots of resources for trans women that I feel I cannot access because it’s not *my* place. There *are* no resources for people like me. I *could* use online sites to buy women’s clothes, and I *could* use trans women’s resources to find out what my measurements are but I feel selfish and appropriative thinking about using those resources. Even though I shouldn’t, not really.

Then there’s thinking about coming out to my family. I know my dad will be supportive, but I also am pretty sure he’ll be confused. I’ve discussed some of this with him, so maybe he’ll be expecting this, but still. He still has some problems with my pronouns as a boy, so I can’t really expect him to be very good at they/them/their or ‘child/kid’. And then my sister, oh my god my *sister*. I think she’s transphobic, a little bit, in a harmless way, but she very obviously doesn’t understand, and doesn’t really care to understand, and I’m worried that she’ll think my being nonbinary, or coming out as nonbinary is just an attention-seeking then, when that could not be farther from the truth. If I could be invisible, I would. If I could move off-planet to another one more supportive of third genders and nonbinary genders, I would but I can’t. I’m as non-seeking of attention as anyone could be, I don’t like being noticed or being the center of attention. On the other hand, maybe it’ll be easier for them both to understand my being nonbinary instead of a trans man because maybe, just maybe, *that* fits their understanding of me *better* than me being a man. *sigh*
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