catharsis_logs: (let's make better mistakes tomorrow)
[personal profile] catharsis_logs
My sister, being her usual self, accidentally said something hurtful today. Well... maybe not so much hurtful as it made me stop and think a bit about what I was doing in a negative light sort of.

In 2005 I had a intense relationship, with art. During this time I produced about 100 pieces of art, all mostly unfinished on loose printer paper. I drew every day, or thereabouts. Lately I've been missing drawing.

Now, the complicated part comes in. (I'll get into what my sister said later) I'm a perfectionist, and all my education has done is show me how far I have to go to do anything of actual 'worth'. (worth being subjective and harmful in this case) I'm also terrified of doing art, because nothing I do will make me satisfied with what I produce. This sucks. I have so many negative emotions tied into art (and writing) that it makes it hard to do anything.

Good news: I wrote a little bit the other day, part of a fanfic I will likely not finish (as per usual) but it's the most fun I had with writing in a while. Then today I drew a tiny bit, and printed off some tutorials that I taped into my reference sketch-book.

Now an ethical question comes up, related to what my sister said to me. I asked her about some art pencils that I had found in one of my many boxes littering the house. I asked my dad if I could have the pencils and he said to ask my sister, but that it was fine for me to have. Then when I asked my sister if she wanted the pencils or if I could have them, she said sure, that she didn't use pencils and then somehow... this came up : "I'm the artist of the family after all."

And that's what she said that kind of hurt and kind of raised an ethical question. I have no doubt that I could learn to draw fairly fast, and I kind of think that I might overtake my sister in the realm of physical rather than digital, art. Is this okay? I can see a fight coming up, or my sister's self-esteem becoming threatened by my even trying to do art at all, putting aside words like 'better' and 'faster' because those words are silly in this context.

I don't want to threaten my sister's self-esteem. But I also want to learn how to draw and draw well. I just worry that my sis might think that I'm getting better faster than she is (which really is unlikely).

I also resent the unspoken idea that only one person in my family can be a 'recognized artist', and I resent my thoughts that also lean in that direction. It also makes sure that I don't want to share my art with my family, which also sucks.

Then there's the self-esteem problem that's there in the first place, the 'if I'm not perfect now, I'll never be perfect' with perfect being an also subjective and harmful word.

Sorry I've been so incoherent about this, but I've been thinking about it for a little bit, and what my sister said and the way she said it just rubbed me the wrong way.
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Alexander

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