catharsis_logs: (princess Starscream)
[personal profile] catharsis_logs
Woke up today at around eleven, which is really early for me recently. I have bloodwork on friday in a town forty-five minutes away. I have to remember to get gas before I go. I'm switching back to testosterone cream, because I've been having a little bit of a rough time with my injections recently, though I have been able to give them to myself, it's just... I feel a lot better about applying a cream every day for the rest of my life than I do about injecting myself with a 'huge' needle every week for the rest of my life. I already resent the fact that I need to do anything about my hormones, but the risk of cancer was too high if I kept my ovaries (thanks PCOS) and testosterone just... *fits* my body and my temperament better.

I'm going to go see my old therapist in the same town I'm getting my bloodwork done in a few weeks, once she manages to clear her schedule enough to fit me in. She offered to recommend me someone closer to home, but since I've seen her before I thought, why not? Also hearing her voice again made me feel better about how I was nervous about coming out to her as nonbinary. I'm still nervous, but at least I trust her to understand at least a little bit. I'm sure she's dealt with nonbinary people before, but I'm still nervous, not least because she was part of the reason I got my prescription for testosterone in the first place as well as my surgery letter. I've already had all that I want to get done, done, so even if she does react badly, I won't be harmed by any lack of permissions for procedures. I might, however, want to work with her to get my license switched to nonbinary, as I need a letter for that. And that would require her being fine with my... transitioning(?) to nonbinary 'status'.

Overall though, what I'm going to be dealing with her is my low self-esteem, as well as my emotions, which will hopefully be surfacing once more, while I go down on a dose in medication as well as going up on another dose. I asked my psychiatrist on how to deal with emotions once more surfacing but she told me (a tiny bit coldly) that I would have to see a therapist about that. :P

It's not like I don't have feelings at all, it's just that I feel like I'm in an almost permanent state of dissociation. Like I'm... outside of all of my feelings besides fear. I do have happy moments, that peek out like the sun showing through the clouds, but they're a little rare, and hard to come up with even in situations in which I should be happy. I also get *drained* as fuck going out places, and often need a day to recover. Ugh. Especially if that going out is not a part of my schedule, like school/classes.

Despite saying that I don't *feel* a lot of my emotions, I do in some ways, but I hide them, for some reason even *I* don't know. For instance, I hide my smile a lot. When I'm happy, I bite down on my smile and force it into a pursed lips expression, but my eyes still smile (I'm pretty sure). Lately I've been trying to actually smile, instead of making the face. Opening my mouth, baring my teeth, and all. It's surprisingly hard. I feel almost like if I admit I'm having fun, something or someone (my *deceased* mom) will come and take it away, or find a way to make me be sorry for my happiness. After all, that's kind of what happened when I was younger. Any expression of happiness was a weakness, or something to be exploited. That makes me sad to think about, so I've been trying to express myself 'better'. And not in a 'polite' way. Flailing my hands, squealing and *actually* smiling, as well as laughing as loud as I want to laugh. These expressions are mostly active when I'm reading fanfic, as nothing else seems to make me as excited.

I feel a bit anti-social recently. I'm having trouble connecting to my friends, and I'm having recurring feelings for my ex-best-friend, whom I've had feelings for for a *long* time, unreciprocated, and I'm worrying that I'll never be able to have that depth of feeling for anyone else. My sister is excited about a potential connection with someone at our pharmacy and I'm sitting here like... relationships are too hard.

It doesn't help that I literally or figuratively run away when someone initiates any contact beyond what could be construed as friendship. I have pretty severe body issues when it comes to relating with other people. I get way too self-conscious. I have always put too much meaning and merit to how other people may or may not think of me and while I wish I could break out of that habit, it is a *habit* that has been going on practically my entire life so it might be a bit hard to conquer. I'm even having a hard time working out with my dad, or watching movies with him/relaxing fully when I'm not on the computer. I always have to have my 'armor' up, and having my 'armor' up with my family is exhausting and *shouldn't be happening*. I can sort of understand why it would be happening with my sister, because we're not especially close, but with my dad? I think it might be better if we actually had a living room instead of a pool room, so that I could stretch out on a couch and quietly do something in the same room, but my dad's room (where we all watch TV/Movies when we want to watch them) has become not all that comfortable. It used to be a place where I could relax, and I don't understand why that's changed all of a sudden. I suppose I could just not be interested in television or movies outside of the theater anymore. AND the chair I sit in isn't really all that comfortable. I think I'll just chalk it up to that. Not to mention that it's become hard to focus in on any one thing for a long period of time. (besides fanfic, but fanfic is just a realm of exceptions in my case apparently)

Anyway, thanks for reading if you got this far, and thanks for reading even if you didn't lol. I just needed a rambly journal entry, and to air a few of my thoughts and worries.

Date: 2016-09-15 04:19 am (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
Read it. *sends a mental breeze of sunshine and lavender your way to help air out thoughts* I am fresh out of wisdom, but sympathy and gratitude for you being around, I do have.

Date: 2016-10-09 11:20 pm (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
*offers a belated virtual hug*

Date: 2016-09-15 04:48 am (UTC)
enemyofperfect: a spray of orange leaves against a muted background (Default)
From: [personal profile] enemyofperfect
Oh, seeing your old therapist again and being able to talk through some of this stuff -- not to mention work towards getting your license changed, potentially -- sounds like it could be really good. Fingers crossed!

Ahaha though, do I ever hear you about relationships seeming too hard. Also, much sympathy on having to wear your armor even at home. :(

Thank goodness for fanfic, at least!

Date: 2016-09-18 01:06 am (UTC)
enemyofperfect: a spray of orange leaves against a muted background (Default)
From: [personal profile] enemyofperfect
Aahh, running out of things to read is the worst! Especially because I'm sure there's got to be more great fanfic out there than I could ever read... I just don't always know where to find it.

I'm pretty sure that's faster than I read, at least! Not that I time myself, but these days I pretty much always take more than a day to read a 100k+ fic, and I'm pretty sure there have been days I spent at least four hours on a story that really caught my interest. :)


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