catharsis_logs: (reminder to dance like hell)
[personal profile] catharsis_logs
So. Trump was elected. What a goddamn disappointment. I cried hysterically for about forty-five minutes after I realized what the results were going to be.

I fell off the Testosterone wagon. I don't know what caused it, but I just stopped taking it. I switched over to the cream, and then I stopped taking the cream and now I feel like shit. My therapist told me that I should think of the testosterone as a psychiatric medication instead of something that causes me to resent my body for not producing.

I'm hoping that the whole feeling-like-shit thing is because I'm not getting enough hormones. I get hot flashes, I'm nauseous all the time but especially so when I wake up in the 'morning', my appetite has disappeared and I've lost ten pounds (or so my almost-always innacurate weight tells me) and I've stopped working out. Oh and I have a weird case of insomnia.

I was worried about telling my therapist about my gender-feels because I was worried that she wouldn't think I was 'trans enough' because she was the one who first got me on the road to my transition. But she managed to drag out of me my admission that I'm gender fluid and that I would rather be a shapeshifter or formless then stuck with the body I have right now. That my gender changes every so often, that I'm ambivalent about having a body and being recognized as a person by other people.

She was very supportive. Enormously so. She told me that she had a client (or several) that transitioned to male, and then transitioned to full-time drag. I just happen to be in a more femme identity right now, even though I'm more comfortable with being male, but I want to wear women's clothes. I'm tempted to call up one of my friends and request a shopping trip. So that I could go to Rue 21 and buy panties without looking like too much of a pervert. My therapist even said that if she was able to find them that she would give me her old breast forms. Which is extremely generous of her.

She asked me if I regretted any of my changes. I said no. I don't regret the top surgery because I like the thought of having a pair of breasts that I could just take on and off whenever I want to. I'm ambivalent about having bottom surgery, if I were to do anything like that I'd get a metoidoplasty and keep my vagina. I like the thought of having a dick and vagina both. I really like that thought. I vaguely regret about having a complete hysterectomy because I liked the thought of maybe eventually having biological children, but I'm extremely grateful at the same time that I am not capable of becoming pregnant myself anymore. Becoming pregnant was one of my worst nightmares and one of the only sources of deep dysphoria for me. I didn't like my breasts because I couldn't take them off, and I couldn't bind either because of my back. I miss the sensation that my nipples used to have (they were really rather sensitive) but I don't regret the surgery. I kind of resent having as many scars as I do, and I kind of resent having as much hair as I do, but that's okay.

I also shaved off my beard yesterday because it didn't fit me anymore. I feel much better mostly clean shaven despite my obnoxious almost-double chin. I've also chosen a different preferred name. My new preferred name is Leif (I pronounce it "Life") and I prefer to avoid pronouns in general if at all possible.

I ordered some testosterone cream from my compounding pharmacy and I also requested a refill of my liquid intra-muscular testosterone. We'll see which one comes first, and then that depends on how I'm going to administer it. If the cream comes in the mail I'll dose myself with that. If the cream doesn't come in the mail tomorrow and my perscription is filled at Rite Aid then I'll inject. All I know is that I'm miserable when I'm not on Testosterone and I act like I'm having a depressive episode.

I know I'm worrying my dad by not eating because he keeps making me food. I'm glad he does because I might not eat otherwise. I just stay in my room all day, on my bed, and read fanfiction. That's another worrying thing. I've fallen completely off Twitch.tv, which I would think is a good thing if it wasn't one of the warning signs of depression "loss of interest in activities that used to bring pleasure". I actually had a panic attack one morning because I was so worried about my loss of appetite: I thought it was a side effect of increasing the dose on one of my medications. So I went back down. I think I freaked out the lady on the phone, or I sounded desperate because she did a nice thing and asked if I was safe. My appetite got a little better after lowering the dose again, but I'm still not... all there when it comes to taking care of myself. I didn't take a shower for almost an entire month and only took a shower then because I stank so badly.

I'm also withdrawing from people in general. I'm hiding in my room, just reading and not liking being pulled away from reading. I feel... disconnected. Like I'm floating through life in a fog and it's scaring me. I hope that when I'm safely back on Testosterone I'll start feeling better soon. If I don't... well then it would be a good time to see a doctor. As soon as possible.

Things I've been doing recently in my fog of depression:
Reading all of the Sherlock (TV) fanfic I can get my little grubby hands on.
Writing (a teensy tiny bit. I wrote death fic. lol)
Getting back on Tumblr (after my month-long retreat)
I need to start writing every day again. That's another thing I've stopped doing- Writing every day
Lying in my bed doing nothing

In other words, December has been the month from and of hell. I've pretty much stopped doing everything I used to enjoy. I've stopped eating (mostly). I've lost interest in video games. Lost interest in Tumblr. Lost interest in watching other people play video games. Lost interest in Television. Only connect with friends at a bare minimum. Etc, etc.

The only good thing about this entire month is that my sister's friends have finally moved out of our house. That's the one good thing. The one.

Here's to hoping for a new dawn, breath of fresh air, recovery and resurrection after the new year starts.

Sorry enemyofperfect. I miss you and I hope you can understand a little bit about why I fell off the face of the earth for about a month and a half.
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Alexander

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