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[personal profile] catharsis_logs
This last Friday, I woke up and decided that I had kept my dog alive for too long. She was unhappy all the time, couldn't keep herself clean, could barely walk, ate sporadically, and bark-howled at night because she was in pain, she didn't wag her tail anymore, she didn't play anymore, in short, her life sucked. I called our local animal hospital and set up an appointment. 12:30pm on Saturday and then I went and cuddled my dog. SKIP TO THE LAST PARAGRAPH IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ A SEMI-GRAPHIC ACCOUNT OF ANIMAL EUTHANASIA. I just needed to get it out in words.

God it was hard. I went in with my dad. We waited for about ten minutes and the nurse called us back. We waited for a while, I let my dog, Blossom, wander around the room since she didn't seem to want to be held. The nurse came in and asked if we wanted a paw print I said yes. The doc then described what was likely to happen, how long it would take, etc.

Pretty soon the doc came back in and I picked Blossom up. There was a nurse that the vet called the chihuahua wrangler which I thought was cute until it turned out that she was the one who was going to restrain Blossom while they gave her the shot. The vet shaved her little leg so they could get a good angle on the vein and my baby screamed. She showed more life at the end then I had seen her display in months, she was so scared. I tried to gesture that I wanted to hold her and I reached out to comfort but she was so scared and so blind that she tried to bite my fingers.

At this point I was sobbing almost uncontrollably. The barking finally trailed off into a little whine as she stopped struggling and they laid her on her side on the table on top of the towel they had laid there. I stroked her little soft head and tried to watch for the moment but I missed it. One second she was there and the next second she wasn't. Her eyes were still open and her head moved a little limply as I pet her. The vet checked with a stethoscope and said that her heart had stopped and I curled over on myself, head facing the ground still petting her head as I sob-screamed my way through the agony. I think my reaction had an impact on the vet and the nurse because I could hear sniffles around me as I sobbed through the grief. My dad was beside me, rubbing my back and crying silently though I couldn't see it at the time.

The worst part was when they wrapped her in the towel because then I couldn't even pretend that she was asleep, she was so limp, like she never was in life and they didn't wrap her head fast enough because I could still see her little face, her little nose, her eyes still open until my dad realized I was looking and covered it quickly. That started off another round of sobbing from me as they packed my baby into a cardboard box. I carried her out in the box, it was heavy, as if she weighed more in death, my face covered in tears and horrendously blotchy (I assume, because when I got home my face was still red even forty minutes later.)

My dad had dug the hole earlier that morning and finished it off then. I went up to my room and waited. When I came downstairs next it was over, he'd buried her and marked the spot with the concrete buddha we have in our back yard. Then I went and put a large piece of obsidian over the actual spot where she was buried as well as a large piece of petrified wood. So nothing could potentially dig her up.

The grief comes in waves. As long as I'm doing something I'm pretty much fine. I'm a little sensitive about doggie subject matters but otherwise fine. It's when I have time to think that shit goes a little sideways. I can't really talk about the grief right now. I can state facts and what happened, but I can't describe the grief. It hurts too much for me to have a hope of describing if that makes any sense. So yeah. Blossom's dead and I miss her so much it hurts to breathe sometimes but really, she was gone even before she was gone and that makes it a very small bit better.
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Alexander

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