Don't worry

Feb. 8th, 2017 07:32 pm
catharsis_logs: (followtherainbow)
[personal profile] catharsis_logs
My body is holding the ability to express my emotions hostage. It's like I'm trying desperately to hold back the ever-increasing swell of feelings for a reason even I don't know (at least not consciously) but it's not working, I'm starting to crack at the edges. I've been trying to let myself feel the emotions as they come but it's like there's a wall between me and my ability to really let go and cry my eyes out. I know that I need to let off some of it before it causes me to explode in a much less convenient moment or place and yet my brain insists on telling me that there must be a 'reason' to really let go. *gives brain the middle finger*

I had a rough day yesterday. For no real reason, my mood was just waaay in the dumps. I woke up at 3pm instead of when I wanted to wake up at 2pm so I had to practically run out the door so I could get my injection on time. It's been good that I've been having my shots given to me instead of me doing them myself, because yesterday I definitely would not have been able to do it myself.

I also have this strange urge to just crawl in a corner and die. I ate alone at a restaurant yesterday and instead of feeling powerful I just felt alone.

I don't particularly want to die. it's just scary to think about the future. The only reason I think I haven't killed myself by now is because I have friends and family and I'm a coward. I don't want to inconvenience someone with my death and emotional distress DOES count as an inconvenience. So as long as I have people that will probably miss me when I'm gone I'll stay alive, but. I worry about the idea that I won't always have those people to 'live' for. I need to learn the ability to live for myself. Gotta remember to talk with my therapist about that.

I hate mood swings. I'll be fine one second and then the next my stomach is sinking and I'm feeling uncomfortable and miserable and then it's a hell of a slog getting back to 'fine'.

Date: 2017-02-09 08:42 am (UTC)
enemyofperfect: a spray of orange leaves against a muted background (Default)
From: [personal profile] enemyofperfect
Oh, this is so much for you to be dealing with right now, I'm sorry. *offers hugs* I'm glad you were able to make it to your appointment, and that you know you don't need a "reason" to make time for your feelings, even if your brain doesn't. But it's tough when you can't predict how you're going to feel from moment, let alone when thinking about the future is inherently scary.

Selfishly, I'm glad you're alive. :) But yeah, that living-for-yourself thing is a big one, and arguably one I'm still working on too -- I'm at a point where I can just about handle surviving, at least with a lot of help, but the idea of really engaging with my life is harder, if that makes any sense. Anyway, I hope talk with your therapist goes well?

Date: 2017-02-20 04:17 am (UTC)
enemyofperfect: a spray of orange leaves against a muted background (Default)
From: [personal profile] enemyofperfect
I very much prefer you alive! <3 And count me impressed that you're thinking about things like retirement funds, even.

And ahaha, it sounds like that will be a very interesting entry if/when you write it!

Date: 2017-02-10 06:53 am (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
I am glad you are alive. I think everyone has a right to determine for themself what is worth living for and/or dying over. At the same time, I am very familiar with the way bad brain chemistry can distort the weighting on things so that real and important good things SEEM outweighed for awhile by bad things that may also be real and important but maybe aren't the whole story.

If you are ever in the vicinity of Portland, OR, you are welcome to make plans to see me. If you want to text, I can text, although my phone isn't a good way to get ahold of me. I would be willing to PM also, or to set up another way to interact. Basically, I just wanted to offer to talk with you some, about anything, or about nothing in particular. Try to figure out some advice, or just listen while you brainstorm, or make really awful goofy jokes, or ANYTHING.

Mood swings are miserable. Not being able to feel your emotions, while they are just building and building, sounds really really really miserable! I'm sorry that you are going through this. You aren't alone though, not if people who want you to be okay count as not alone.

Date: 2017-02-20 03:22 am (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
I'm really glad it helped a bit.

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Alexander

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