Don't worry

Feb. 8th, 2017 07:32 pm
catharsis_logs: (followtherainbow)
[personal profile] catharsis_logs
My body is holding the ability to express my emotions hostage. It's like I'm trying desperately to hold back the ever-increasing swell of feelings for a reason even I don't know (at least not consciously) but it's not working, I'm starting to crack at the edges. I've been trying to let myself feel the emotions as they come but it's like there's a wall between me and my ability to really let go and cry my eyes out. I know that I need to let off some of it before it causes me to explode in a much less convenient moment or place and yet my brain insists on telling me that there must be a 'reason' to really let go. *gives brain the middle finger*

I had a rough day yesterday. For no real reason, my mood was just waaay in the dumps. I woke up at 3pm instead of when I wanted to wake up at 2pm so I had to practically run out the door so I could get my injection on time. It's been good that I've been having my shots given to me instead of me doing them myself, because yesterday I definitely would not have been able to do it myself.

I also have this strange urge to just crawl in a corner and die. I ate alone at a restaurant yesterday and instead of feeling powerful I just felt alone.

I don't particularly want to die. it's just scary to think about the future. The only reason I think I haven't killed myself by now is because I have friends and family and I'm a coward. I don't want to inconvenience someone with my death and emotional distress DOES count as an inconvenience. So as long as I have people that will probably miss me when I'm gone I'll stay alive, but. I worry about the idea that I won't always have those people to 'live' for. I need to learn the ability to live for myself. Gotta remember to talk with my therapist about that.

I hate mood swings. I'll be fine one second and then the next my stomach is sinking and I'm feeling uncomfortable and miserable and then it's a hell of a slog getting back to 'fine'.
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Alexander

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