Bad news

Mar. 24th, 2017 07:50 pm
catharsis_logs: (flowerfaceboy)
[personal profile] catharsis_logs
So. My dad tells me that he wants to tell me and my little sister something. I'm curious, but I go get my sister, who isn't feeling good and when we head downstairs I start getting a bad feeling. I first thought it was just him going to say something about how proud he is of my and my sister, or something about his birthday, but when we get downstairs and I see my dad I feel a lurch in my stomach and sure enough he tells us that he has some 'really bad news' to share and we can either hear it then or wait until later. I duck around the corner so that no one can see me and I'm worst-case scenarioing all over the damn place. I'm sure, pretty sure, that my godfather has passed away because it's the only thing I can think of that might come up because we heard about potential prostate cancer a while ago.

My dad has the 'news' on his phone/email so my sister takes the phone and starts reading and I get myself a little under control (while desperately cuddling my sister's dog) and join her. My sister is relieved "That wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be" and I read the email. So.

My godfather definitely has prostate cancer. And he might be losing his job because the school he works at is going under. Luckily there wasn't anything super dire in the email like 'length of life' or 'terminal' so that's a tiny bit of a relief. But I still feel like my psyche has been catapulted out of a sling or like someone has kicked me right in the sternum. Also I'm trying to crawl out of a panic attack.

Also I think I figured out what dissociation means for me. It isn't 'existing out of my body' or feeling like I don't have a body, though it does feel a bit 'floaty', it's more like pieces of myself have receded so far inside my body that everything feels a bit distant and echoey. It's a little like my body has turned into a rollercoaster, just stuck on the tracks and everything moving a bit too jerkily and fast and I don't know what expression is on my face and everything is a little more out of my control than usual.

I told my dad that in the future if he has 'bad' news that doesn't involve someone dying then he needs to tell us that no one has died as a PREFIX.

Also it sucks because I 'know' that everything is fine but my brain is still whirling in circles and I'm still shaking a little and still stuck in 'worst-case-scenario-land' and once you've been there it's kind of hard to get out of even if turns out that it's NOT worst-case-scenario land because it's the kind of place that 'exists' for half a second and affects you for that half a second that it's kind of hard to brush off afterwards even though EVERYTHING IS FINE. *screams*

Gimme advice, or commiserate, or whatever.

Date: 2017-03-25 04:18 am (UTC)
enemyofperfect: a spray of orange leaves against a muted background (Default)
From: [personal profile] enemyofperfect
So much sympathy, friend. I'm glad the news wasn't as bad as it could have been, but that worst case scenario headspace is no fun at all. I've been doing better lately, but there was a solid decade or more where I took any kind of announcement as potentially/likely about someone being dead or dying, and just... yeah. I'm very sorry that's where your head is at right now. :(

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Alexander

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