catharsis_logs: (overthinking)
[personal profile] catharsis_logs

Song I've been listening to repeatedly right now for some reason I don't like the video but I love the song itself...: [I actually didn't like the song for a while, but now I like it because it has moments of intensity alongside moments of quiet and it really works. It's like an anthem, and there's a lot of interesting joy and determination in it (that I can feel at least)]

There's a fanfic that I want to read, but I've gotten to a part where I just... can't? I get like overwhelmingly angry at the pov character of that particular chapter. The guy has just been brought back to life after around twenty years of being dead after his suicide. And pretty soon he's going to meet up with the son he left behind when his kid was eight and orphaned him and his body is also going to be controlled by a sort-of-bad guy and forced to fight against his own adult kid. (that's how I think it might go because I haven't read it yet) It's just too viscerally painful? I empathize too much with someone who wants to die and at the same time I'm angry at the character because he had a kid and he decided that living for his kid was not enough, and fuck, fine, you have a shitty life but I really like his kid as a character and I'm mad at pov character for putting him through that. So on one hand, it's deeply uncomfortable for me to read because I empathize too much, and it's uncomfortable to read because I'm also mad at him lol.

I think it was a good thing that I dropped my classes for this term after all. If I want to take language classes over the summer it'll be really intense. They're basically cramming three months worth of learning into three weeks. The adviser even described it as "Jeez, that's like a full-time job..." with a bit of incredulity and a hint of unspoken 'can you even handle that???' Then I get to take a full course load (12 credits) every. Term. Next year going up to 16 credits for one term for my senior capstone if I want to graduate by the end of Spring 2018. I'm planning on spreading at least some classes for summer 2018 so really I'll graduate after summer 2018, but that's fine. For some reason I really don't want to graduate in 2019 which I would have to do for my language requirements if I didn't want to take those super intense classes over this summer. Oh shit. I just realized that I didn't ask my adviser if I could take a year of language for Pass/No Pass, which I might end up doing for my second year.

Basically what I've been hoping for this coming year to be like is a little bit like my senior year of highschool, where I was very nose to the grindstone, blinders on, we're-gonna-do-this-and-get-the-fuck-out-of-here. But hopefully without the hidden resentment towards school and friends. I'm hoping that I can be able to have friends this coming year and that I don't just disconnect from everyone(like I did senior year of hs). I'm hoping to be active with a few groups and maybe living out of the closet and seeing how that goes.

Oh! I just remembered what I kind of wanted to talk about! Being gender fluid kind of sucks because I feel dysphoria on both sides. So recently (within the past three days or so) I've been really missing being a girl... sorta. It's not like I'm not a girl (which I sometimes am, just like I'm sometimes a boy and sometimes I'm neither and sometimes I'm both. *sighs*) but I'm not perceived as a girl as often anymore (which to be frank is really mostly an awesome thing because for the most part I disliked the way people treated me when they thought I was only a girl) and I kind of miss that semi-deference or extra respectfulness, but then again, I didn't really get a chance to interact with the world as a non-butch not-particularly-good-looking adult woman before I quickly transitioned to male so I really have no idea how I would have felt if I had been. *laughs* I usually call this particular feeling "wanting to have the cake and eat it too" because I want all the good things given to 'each' gender and none of the bad lol and then I have this weird feeling like I'm being selfish for only wanting the good things *sigh*.

My therapist kind of calls me a 'non-fixed identity/personality' in the sense that I just really like experimenting with identity and fashion etcetc and how I'm perceived (not that I enact it a whole lot, I'm a shy and generally-scared person and I've spent most of my life trying to be invisible because that was the only way to survive and I still feel that way to an extent because of the way U.S. society (and society in general) treat people who do certain things 'against social norms' for example a particularly hairy person with a deep voice(aka me) wearing dresses. Then there's the whole (poisonous) idea of the 'special snowflake' when someone has certain requests to be treated a certain way that everyone else sees as something they don't need to do and that actually inconveniences them in some way. For example: I couldn't ask an acquaintance to pay attention to the pronoun button I happen to be wearing that day and only use those pronouns for that day around me and then use 'they/them' when talking about me to anyone else because it would be vaguely inconvenient for me to do that and would require that they pay more attention to me than they generally give to acquaintances and therefore I end up in the 'special snowflake' category with my 'unreasonable' demands. Lol, hello two extreme run-on sentences! But it's a lot to think about and a lot of interesting things to try and untangle. Then there's my (crappy) idea that I don't want to 'burden' anyone with how I feel. So, like trying to tell my dad that sometimes I want him to call me his daughter while also using male pronouns would only be 'confusing' for him and lead to frustration on both sides which leads to me feeling like my personal preferences are 'unreasonable' or 'crazy'. Argh.

I also read a fanfiction the other day that really made me sit up and take notice in the self-esteem department. There was a character who learned from their mentor to view their own body through the eyes of a lover, or someone who was in love with them. To look at their body like they would the body of someone they were deeply in love with and to appreciate every little bit, every wrinkle, every crease, every mole, all the hair and the interesting textures, etc etc and cherish them because they belong to you. I'm also going to attempt to do some body positivity over the summer in Portland. Things like wearing short-shorts and tank tops and girly sandals and maybe dresses if I can ever work up the courage looool. And also to just... pretend? That I'm okay with my body? And hopefully if I pretend enough it will become true? Because it kind of already is true? And I'm just fighting against the expectations of society and others to be forced to dislike certain parts of my body or to be ashamed blah blah blah. Fuck that, I can like my scars, and my hairy ass/crotch and my hint of a double-chin and my eyes and my hands and my chubby butt and my teeny-tiny-but-it's-there gut/lovehandles and my eyebrows and my collarbones and my hips, and on and on.

I'm also trying to reconcile something my therapist said that I don't believe is particularly 100% true but might be useful to think about anyway in terms of 'doing things' because she said that some people think that we choose every thing that we do think and feel. I woke up one day and then tried to put that in practice so I described, in my head, what I was doing, when I was doing it, stuff like "get out of bed" "go to the bathroom" "I'm Going to Go Downstairs to eat something" etc etc. It was an interesting concept that I think I'm going to try eventually to get myself to Do Things like study Japanese so I can get a head start on my summer classes. Or to write. Or to read what I Need to read. Or to work through pain and depression.

I'm done now. Congratulations if you've read this far into this stream-of-consciousness-wordfest. *hugs*

Date: 2017-04-11 05:32 am (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline

>> Being gender fluid kind of sucks because I feel dysphoria on both sides. <<

Sympathy. I'm in a different boat personally but I can definitely see how this sucks.

>> Then there's the whole (poisonous) idea of the 'special snowflake' when someone has certain requests to be treated a certain way that everyone else sees as something they don't need to do and that actually inconveniences them in some way. <<

Yeah this is toxic as fuck. Asking to be treated with respect and consideration is NOT unreasonable, but it will be quite consistently treated AS IF it is unreasonable and burdensome in many contexts, on many topics, by many people. So that (at best) imposes a burden of doubly thinking through 'what could I legitimately ask for if this was fair' plus 'what can I actually ask for and expect to get and how do I nudge that closer to ideal without blowing things up.' At worst it creates sooooo muuuuch guilt and anxiety that it is debilitating because it is HARD HARD HARD not to HEAR doubt and negative self-evaluations pecking away inside ones head when other people voice them and/or silence/erase the opportunity to have the positive affirming stuff.

Again very much *hugs* and good luck with the necessary courses.

Date: 2017-04-13 07:16 am (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
Glad this helped.

PS: When you are in Portland, I would love to meet up with you, if you were interested!

Date: 2017-04-12 05:56 am (UTC)
enemyofperfect: a spray of orange leaves against a muted background (Default)
From: [personal profile] enemyofperfect
I'm low on words today, but I read every one of yours. *hugs and supportive thoughts*


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