catharsis_logs: (overthinking)
[personal profile] catharsis_logs
I had a plan. It was a good plan. For some reason I didn't want to graduate in 2019, so I came up with the idea to take year-one Japanese over the summer, year-two Japanese over the next school year along with my cluster courses and senior capstone and then summer 2018 finishing off my electives and graduating.

Sadly, that will not be happening as they are only offering year TWO Japanese over summer 2017... when I counted on it being year ONE. And, knowing my luck, they will AGAIN offer year ONE Japanese over the 2018 summer so I couldn't even do THAT. Part of me is relived, because now I don't have to potentially overwhelm myself with schoolwork and part of me is FURIOUS because part of the reason I wanted to graduate within this time frame is so that I could get another dog (after I graduate) and because I have this irrational dislike of the idea of graduating in the year 2019. *sigh* Part of me wants to maybe see if I could squeeze in a double-major but then I would probably be graduating on TEN years instead of the EIGHT that I'm planning to graduate on.

Also my brain is on this consistent reel of 'abled expectations' 'disappointment-disappointment-disappointment' 'you're twenty-five you should be further along than this' 'what the hell are you gonna do with your life when reading fanfiction is the only thing that makes you happy' etcetc of bullshit thinking and waking up with panic attacks and feeling trapped in this almost-depressed feeling of 'I can't do anything'/'I don't WANT to do anything'/'but I really really DO'.

Argh. And also all this shit-feeling is making me feel weird about SHARING my shit-feeling because THEN my brain is like 'all you ever do is complain, shut the fuck up and stop inconveniencing your friends with how shitty you feel all the time'

Date: 2017-05-01 03:28 am (UTC)
enemyofperfect: a spray of orange leaves against a muted background (Default)
From: [personal profile] enemyofperfect
Aw friend, I am glad you share your feelings in places where people can sympathize. I'm sorry your plans got thrown off, and I really sympathize about the internalized ableism.

If it helps any, which I completely realize it might not: You might not be taking the "ordinary" path through college, but I don't think you were ever going to be an ordinary graduate anyway. Your challenges might be unique, but your strengths and what you have to offer are unique too, and I think you'll keep on finding your own path. <3

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Alexander

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