catharsis_logs: (flowerfaceboy)
[personal profile] catharsis_logs
So in early April I did this thing where I had a doc make an incision and stuff testosterone pellets in that could last up to a mere two months(not ideal in my situation especially considering how expensive this was to do) or hopefully all the way up to six months of regular testosterone uptake(which would make the price worth it considering I wouldn't have to worry about weekly shots and how much those shots cost each month (the cost is pretty prohibitive considering that it's really difficult to give myself the shots and that drives the price up in co-pay IF I had insurance, which I currently do not...))

Now. Two months after this, still without insurance (though I'm working on that- not fast enough) I've had an abrupt dip in mood from "hey I've been feeling pretty great recently!" Which I attributed to eating fruit every day and (somehow) getting twelve hours of uninterrupted sleep every night. That happy time has ended. I'm waking up a lot during the night, having pretty regular nightmares and my mood has taken a drastic and dramatic swan dive. Feeling like I'm going to cry at any given moment, hopelessness and thoughts of suicide are pretty intrusive. Even thoughts of self harm has come into play. I just started crying helplessly when I was eating before we went to see Wonder Woman because I just felt so shitty. I self-harmed by pinching the thin skin on my knuckles between my thumbnail and my finger and that helped me surface a little bit. The movie made me feel a bit better too but when we were done I felt the shit starting to make the attempt to seep back in.

The thing that worries me is the suddenness of all of this. There's no concrete reason to be so upset or so stressed out (or nothing I can remember at the moment, well: car troubles, I had to replace my back window of my car, and yesterday I had to replace the battery. Also my dog died fairly recently (has it really been six months now? :( )-(I just side-eyed my computer and realized that we're halfway through 2017 already...huh.) and I've been without health insurance for about that long (literally had a nightmare the other night that I somehow got my face sliced open and I was bleeding everywhere and disfigured and the thing I was upset about the most was 'shit, I don't have health insurance! FUCK.') and two people were killed and one was injured defending two muslim girls in the city where I go to university and while I'm not a person of color or an obvious religious minority I am a queer person and sometimes a pretty visible one. Plus I have a heightened sense of danger/watchfulness and that does not make me feel better about going back this fall. Not to mention I'm gonna graduate in six/eight years total instead of the usual four for a bachelors.

...I guess I do have quite a bit to be stressed out over... not only that but I'm going stircrazy in my family home in my teeny population 16,000 hometown where as I grow my hair longer and longer I worry more and more about someone from my high school recognizing and confronting me. Also I feel like I"m failing at being an adult. I'm twenty-five and I haven't done anything that's 'expected of me' according to societal rules, I know I know, fuck societal rules and expectations but I still feel... weird. I have this kind of thing where nothing I do is good enough, especially for myself. I'm slowly working on that, on what I have that no one can take from me. Something my therapist taught me, if I have good things about myself that others can't take away then there's evidence that I am worthy of... good stuff? Anyway my two examples are my creativity and my sense of justice.

Another thing that worries me that I want to discuss as soon as possible with my hormone doctor and maybe my therapist are the out-of-nowhere suicidal thoughts. I haven't thought about suicide as hard as I have this week since my first year in university like, five/six years ago and it scares me. Anyway, it's my 'usual' kind of suicidal; where the idea is tempting but not actually something I'm going to go through with. *sigh*
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