catharsis_logs: (overthinking)
[personal profile] catharsis_logs
I've noticed recently (this has been going on for a long time though, I've just noticed it recently) that I act fairly differently on the internet and through text vs. the 'real life'.

It's interesting... I feel... safer acting bubbly over the internet and through text? Like I always add a 'lol' after anything that might even barely seem amusing and 'XD' is my most used emote though I never really make that face off the internet. I think it's also a defense mechanism. Where I act cute/demure/sheepish in person in order to make myself seem small and unobtrusive and not-a-threat/please-don't-hurt-me I use humor, amusement and bubbliness over the internet to make my opinions seem less like a 'threat'(aka don't hurt me for my opinions).

The interesting thing about all this is that it's reacting pro-actively to a potential threat. If someone did treat me like shit over the internet (as long as it was no one I cared about) I think I would have the ability to say something like 'go fuck yourself' and block their ass. If it's someone I know and/or care about my defenses are a lot lower so I'm more likely to be hurt, so I'm more likely to skate with the (lol so funny XD XD XD) type behavior because if nothing is serious than nothing can hurt me.

Now, getting out of defensive behavior and into something else but still similar. I like being cute. I like cute things. I like being seen as gentle and protective. I like it that I can surprise people when I get serious because that means that I get taken more seriously when I am serious. It's something I learned from my dad. He's gentle-gentle-gentle but when he gets angry or disappointed it's that much worse because it hardly ever happens.

It's also much safer for me (in my mind) to be emotional on the internet. When I say emotion I mean emotional in any way. The only time I get as expressive as I can get in public is when I'm watching something that I'm really into or when I'm reading fanfic, sometimes I'll giggle and smile really widely at my screen. I have a really loud laugh, I really like talking at the screen when I'm watching something and sometimes my smile scrunches my face entirely up and I flail a little.

I think the main difference in real life vs. internet life is that I am a lot more bubbly over the internet in my interactions with people. I'm much more humorous because I actually have time to think and I 'talk' much more on the internet than I do in 'public' life because over the internet there is some form of 'it's my turn now to directly respond to what is being said'. In fact, unless I'm with someone I like a lot or feel connected to or it's meaningless chatter I'm sometimes almost non-verbal. Especially when there's a group of more than three people (and one of those three people is me). I just... kind of fade back into the background and words catch in my throat and close it entirely and then I kind of just float along, lonely in the group.

I guess I should say, people don't really know me until they interact with me away from a group or talk about something slightly serious or something I'm really into because those are the only things that excavate me from my shell.

Just something that popped into my head that I wanted to get down in writing.

lol. XD. (*winks*)
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Alexander

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