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30th birthday blues
Apr. 7th, 2022 02:14 pmIt's my 30th birthday today and I don't know how I feel about it.
My negative self-talk has seemed to swell today. I almost want to hide in a closet and ride it out because I have a sinking feeling that I'm going to be rubbed wrong much easier today. Like, feeling left out when I go downstairs and hear my dad and my sister talking together, my sis thinking I'm a ghost when I make noise in the kitchen, my sister singing happy birthday in a mocking(teasing) voice.
I took one of my anti-anxiety meds as soon as I got downstairs though so hopefully my mother's voice will sink back into the depths soon. Interesting to compare my mom to a siren, but like, the kind that drags you down and drowns you. and it's not that she has or had a beautiful voice, or that I really believed everything she was saying, it's just I got used to her saying it. It's been two decades since I last heard her voice in person and yet she's still in my head.
I have this desperation in my head for normalcy, for being normal. I think it might be because even though I know that there's no such thing as a universal normal, there's still this desperation that if I can attain such an impossible thing that I'll be accepted, by my mom, by friends, by romantic partners (even though I haven't had one) and no one will throw me away.
So even though I'm lucky that I don't have to have a job right now, that do have time to screw my head on straight there's still this sinking feeling and voice in my head that's trying to tell me that if I still don't have my shit together at thirty then will I ever?
And like logically I understand that I don't have to have had a job by now, have friends, have a romantic partner, have a clean house, etc but apparently there's something about this day and this number of years specifically that has me freaking out a little bit.
So I think today is going to be a little bit of a minefield where everything will be hitting me a little bit harder, but I just need to remember to take it easy, keep up with my self-affirmations, and not be too hard on myself.
My negative self-talk has seemed to swell today. I almost want to hide in a closet and ride it out because I have a sinking feeling that I'm going to be rubbed wrong much easier today. Like, feeling left out when I go downstairs and hear my dad and my sister talking together, my sis thinking I'm a ghost when I make noise in the kitchen, my sister singing happy birthday in a mocking(teasing) voice.
I took one of my anti-anxiety meds as soon as I got downstairs though so hopefully my mother's voice will sink back into the depths soon. Interesting to compare my mom to a siren, but like, the kind that drags you down and drowns you. and it's not that she has or had a beautiful voice, or that I really believed everything she was saying, it's just I got used to her saying it. It's been two decades since I last heard her voice in person and yet she's still in my head.
I have this desperation in my head for normalcy, for being normal. I think it might be because even though I know that there's no such thing as a universal normal, there's still this desperation that if I can attain such an impossible thing that I'll be accepted, by my mom, by friends, by romantic partners (even though I haven't had one) and no one will throw me away.
So even though I'm lucky that I don't have to have a job right now, that do have time to screw my head on straight there's still this sinking feeling and voice in my head that's trying to tell me that if I still don't have my shit together at thirty then will I ever?
And like logically I understand that I don't have to have had a job by now, have friends, have a romantic partner, have a clean house, etc but apparently there's something about this day and this number of years specifically that has me freaking out a little bit.
So I think today is going to be a little bit of a minefield where everything will be hitting me a little bit harder, but I just need to remember to take it easy, keep up with my self-affirmations, and not be too hard on myself.
