catharsis_logs | Left hand of darkness (is a good book) (Reply)

Today was a fairly good day. Eventful, but not memorable. I finished Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. Le Guin which was an excellent book, and sad, but in a kind of melancholic dulled (but not dull) way. Like being buried under snow for a long period of time, feeling it melt into your clothes. The intense uncomfort of the cold, and then the painful numbness of deadened skin. Except I didn't have the intense uncomfort of the cold, I just had the painful numbness. I had feeling, but it was wrong, and empty in a sad way. I feel like I'm under a blanket, being stifled with too many new experiences for the first time in a long time. I both look forward to, and dread when classes start.

I got some flash cards today for my Japanese class, I don't know how well they'll serve me, but they should do in the case of me needing to learn all of the hiragana and katakana within a certain time period.

I'm perpetually tired, and emptily bored. I need to go to Powell's tomorrow if I get a chance and buy the book that accompanies Left Hand of Darkness. That book just drew me way in, it was almost like reading a holy text. Isn't that essentially what our relationship with all holy beings is, first contact with an alien being? Perhaps an alien born out of a human womb, but an alien mind at the very least.

I'm also scared. I'll be a week without my abilify, before I can get more. This week. I don't want to kill myself. There, I said it, I'll put it in bold I don't want to kill myself I'll put it into bold and italics I don't want to kill myself I'll even put an underscore underneath it while it's in bold and italics I don't want to kill myself. At this point in time, I really don't want to kill myself. I can see the future coming up, and it looks kinda lonely, but also kinda content as well. I just need to get used to the now and not let myself get too depressed when (not if) the depression hits me. I'm hoping that the abilify won't be a variable that's too important, it's not like it's helping me a ton anyway (I'm hoping) but that's the thing about brain chemistry, sometimes you don't know when a drug is helping. Sometimes you have to have people tell you that yes, you are (seem) better than you were before.

The funny thing about my depression when I was younger, was that I didn't want to kill myself. I didn't want to exist, but I existed and I accepted that there was going to be no escape. I almost existed in an unhealthy zen state when I was depressed. I was nothing, I did nothing, I just curled up, and let my thoughts (or lack of) take me and smother me. I was so lethargic that even suicide seemed like too much work. At least I know how to explain that feeling now, that if I ever fall into that state, I'll at least have the capacity to say "I'm depressed, it is how it is. Now get me some damn help." I actually consider when I was that depressed to be a medical emergency. And I'm going to make sure and tell that to the SHAC official(s) that I'm going to be meeting tomorrow. I'm going to tell them (even though it's a health meeting not a counseling meeting, but I consider this to be medical in nature, and I'm hoping that they can at least keep an eye on me.) that I'm soon going to be off my meds, and that I need someone to keep a watch over me, someone anyone, to be observant, and to care. That's the problem with my new 'friends' they like me(I think) and I like them, but I get the feeling that they don't care. At least not to the extent of watching over me and figuring out when I'm super depressed and ready to kill myself. I don't really have that observant person at home either, but at least I DO have someone to go to, to hug, to lose myself for a second in them. (My dad, obviously)

I'm going to try and give it my all this term. Take my classes, study, learn, get some new friends and if it doesn't work out, I have an escape route, dropping out. I can always quit while I'm ahead, take a term off for a break and then (maybe) come back. In fact, I'll make this year a 'try' year. I want to try and get the most I can out of this year, to pick up and learn the ropes of life. If I fail this year, then I can go back home, get a job, and exist. I'm already looking forward to Thanksgiving break, if we even get one. :)