Cancer updates
Jul. 8th, 2023 05:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logsDad is... still here. He has pretty frankly told me that if something happens to him at all that we should just let him go. This is hard to contemplate for obvious reasons. He's even talked with me about my state's death with dignity act which I am... uncertain about(1) and not for just the obvious reasons. I hate that he's in that much pain and discomfort.
I am extremely hesitant to talk with my dad about it because I don't want him to... include me or my sister in that decision in either direction. I don't want him to feel that he should do it for us, or should not do it for us, and I think his platonic soulmate coming down tomorrow might help with decision making in that respect. Actually I'm hoping that her coming down (with her husband and their adorable but rambunctious doggie) will help with a lot of decision making.
We're going to be meeting with our financial advisor and she'll hopefully make it clear just how much money we have to take care of him while he's on his way out (I'm not too worried, which is a blessing in this day and age) and that might make him feel better.
Me and my dad have had frank(-ish) talks in the past about how if he can't take care of himself that we need to get him somewhere else that's not the house. If we're helping him with wiping, and lifting, etc. The problem is that we're pretty much there. He can kinda still get around. He can at least lift himself out of his recliner enough to get stand on a walker to inch over to the wheelchair so I (or my sis when it's her 'shift') can wheel him to the bathroom.
I have seen more of my dad's penis in the last couple weeks than I ever wanted in my life, but it's strangely not disturbing. If anything about this is positive it's just finally that bodies are bodies. Seeing my dad's junk is not traumatizing or gross, it's just a penis. I guess part of the point I'm making here is that things are bordering upon too much. I do not want to help him wipe, I do not want to touch parts of his body. I do not want to have to deal with many bodily fluids. It's bad enough that the other night he stood to use the little handheld urinal and missed.
My back is also feeling like it's starting to disintegrate a little bit and that's not even with me really lifting him! Just maneuvering the wheelchair is hard!
Yesterday my sister's friends came in and got rid of the two defunct chairs in my dad's room. The day before a new recliner got delivered to him that I'd bought a couple days before. This whole damn week has been crazy.
Worrying about the house or neighborhood burning the fuck down because some asshole neighbors were setting off mortar fireworks practically above our fucking house. Frantically setting up a new hose so I could spray down our trees and at least half of the house (but not our tinderbox back yard because the hose wouldn't reach 😂 ) while my sister stood there as mortar pieces came through the treetops of the trees at our house. My sis just finally called 911 and then a small bit later I think I heard an officer giving a "okay, okay, your neighbors have ruined the fun" scolding in the back alley.
The day before I went to a furniture store I'd never been in before and called my dad and took pictures to give a show-and-tell when my dad can't get to the store. Then I said I'd be back the next day after I'd looked at the other furniture store but could he hold the chair and he held the chair. Then went to the other furniture store, tried out cushions for the chairs there, none of them were really up to the standards of the chair I'd found at the other store. So I went back and bought the chair the next day and had it delivered on thursday.
I know I'm extremely stressed when I start sleeping like 11 hours AND falling asleep while doing things in bed. I'm not bathing/showering either because I just don't have the fucking energy. I think I'm holding a new record of length-without now. My hands are starting to break into painful hives (that we don't know are actual hives, I have an appointment with a dermatologist in 2024) which is problematic when I want to do things with my hands like getting my dad his meds, using a can opener, etc. I'm thinking about getting my sis to cut my hair because I just can't take care of it at the length it's at right now. I might get it to just below my shoulderblades. Right now it's to just above my asscrack if I pull the curls down a little. Also it's harder to talk(2) and communicate which doesn't help much in this kind of situation.
Here's what I'm hoping for Monday
- talk to our financial lady and she'll lay out how much money we have for daddy's care, how much money we'll have when he passes, what we need to do to continue paying the bills while also not draining our accounts
- talk to my godmom(3), have my godmom talk to my dad, help him out spiritually and mentally. Maybe talk him into going somewhere other than the house where he can be taken care of better and where me and sis can go visit him and actually spend time with him as a person instead of him as a patient. I don't want him to go and yet at the same time I don't see us really being able to help him in the long run.
- he'll make the decision to go on hospice (on Wednesday, after we've seen the Occupational Therapist who might have suggestions for the house...) and we'll at least start getting that support in place.
Anyway, I think that's it for now. I'm glad to have somewhere to dump all that I've been thinking about recently. I'll hopefully have another update at the end of this week after decisions have been made. I'm gonna go call my godmother now.
(1) I'm cool with death with dignity acts as long as a person does not feel pressured one way or another. Euthenasia laws in general are... yeah. I strongly feel that people should have the choice. But I also feel that we fail people if they feel as if that is their only way out of pain or discomfort or looming medical bills for their children or other people in their lives.
(2) My sister told me one time that whenever she was on a trip with me somewhere, that she knew I was tired when I stopped really participating in conversation and that on the way home in the car I turned the music up 😂
(3) It'll just be hard because while I know she won't be judgemental I'm still ashamed of the house. I feel like I should have been doing more to keep things clean and organized but then, the house has always somewhat been like this since my mom died. I think my dad is(might be) clinically depressed and has been for a long time.
I am extremely hesitant to talk with my dad about it because I don't want him to... include me or my sister in that decision in either direction. I don't want him to feel that he should do it for us, or should not do it for us, and I think his platonic soulmate coming down tomorrow might help with decision making in that respect. Actually I'm hoping that her coming down (with her husband and their adorable but rambunctious doggie) will help with a lot of decision making.
We're going to be meeting with our financial advisor and she'll hopefully make it clear just how much money we have to take care of him while he's on his way out (I'm not too worried, which is a blessing in this day and age) and that might make him feel better.
Me and my dad have had frank(-ish) talks in the past about how if he can't take care of himself that we need to get him somewhere else that's not the house. If we're helping him with wiping, and lifting, etc. The problem is that we're pretty much there. He can kinda still get around. He can at least lift himself out of his recliner enough to get stand on a walker to inch over to the wheelchair so I (or my sis when it's her 'shift') can wheel him to the bathroom.
I have seen more of my dad's penis in the last couple weeks than I ever wanted in my life, but it's strangely not disturbing. If anything about this is positive it's just finally that bodies are bodies. Seeing my dad's junk is not traumatizing or gross, it's just a penis. I guess part of the point I'm making here is that things are bordering upon too much. I do not want to help him wipe, I do not want to touch parts of his body. I do not want to have to deal with many bodily fluids. It's bad enough that the other night he stood to use the little handheld urinal and missed.
My back is also feeling like it's starting to disintegrate a little bit and that's not even with me really lifting him! Just maneuvering the wheelchair is hard!
Yesterday my sister's friends came in and got rid of the two defunct chairs in my dad's room. The day before a new recliner got delivered to him that I'd bought a couple days before. This whole damn week has been crazy.
Worrying about the house or neighborhood burning the fuck down because some asshole neighbors were setting off mortar fireworks practically above our fucking house. Frantically setting up a new hose so I could spray down our trees and at least half of the house (but not our tinderbox back yard because the hose wouldn't reach 😂 ) while my sister stood there as mortar pieces came through the treetops of the trees at our house. My sis just finally called 911 and then a small bit later I think I heard an officer giving a "okay, okay, your neighbors have ruined the fun" scolding in the back alley.
The day before I went to a furniture store I'd never been in before and called my dad and took pictures to give a show-and-tell when my dad can't get to the store. Then I said I'd be back the next day after I'd looked at the other furniture store but could he hold the chair and he held the chair. Then went to the other furniture store, tried out cushions for the chairs there, none of them were really up to the standards of the chair I'd found at the other store. So I went back and bought the chair the next day and had it delivered on thursday.
I know I'm extremely stressed when I start sleeping like 11 hours AND falling asleep while doing things in bed. I'm not bathing/showering either because I just don't have the fucking energy. I think I'm holding a new record of length-without now. My hands are starting to break into painful hives (that we don't know are actual hives, I have an appointment with a dermatologist in 2024) which is problematic when I want to do things with my hands like getting my dad his meds, using a can opener, etc. I'm thinking about getting my sis to cut my hair because I just can't take care of it at the length it's at right now. I might get it to just below my shoulderblades. Right now it's to just above my asscrack if I pull the curls down a little. Also it's harder to talk(2) and communicate which doesn't help much in this kind of situation.
Here's what I'm hoping for Monday
- talk to our financial lady and she'll lay out how much money we have for daddy's care, how much money we'll have when he passes, what we need to do to continue paying the bills while also not draining our accounts
- talk to my godmom(3), have my godmom talk to my dad, help him out spiritually and mentally. Maybe talk him into going somewhere other than the house where he can be taken care of better and where me and sis can go visit him and actually spend time with him as a person instead of him as a patient. I don't want him to go and yet at the same time I don't see us really being able to help him in the long run.
- he'll make the decision to go on hospice (on Wednesday, after we've seen the Occupational Therapist who might have suggestions for the house...) and we'll at least start getting that support in place.
Anyway, I think that's it for now. I'm glad to have somewhere to dump all that I've been thinking about recently. I'll hopefully have another update at the end of this week after decisions have been made. I'm gonna go call my godmother now.
(1) I'm cool with death with dignity acts as long as a person does not feel pressured one way or another. Euthenasia laws in general are... yeah. I strongly feel that people should have the choice. But I also feel that we fail people if they feel as if that is their only way out of pain or discomfort or looming medical bills for their children or other people in their lives.
(2) My sister told me one time that whenever she was on a trip with me somewhere, that she knew I was tired when I stopped really participating in conversation and that on the way home in the car I turned the music up 😂
(3) It'll just be hard because while I know she won't be judgemental I'm still ashamed of the house. I feel like I should have been doing more to keep things clean and organized but then, the house has always somewhat been like this since my mom died. I think my dad is(might be) clinically depressed and has been for a long time.
