Insecurity
Apr. 13th, 2024 02:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logsI’ve been feeling insecure about friendship recently. I am a neglectful friend. I don’t reach out a lot. I don’t consider myself good at ‘having fun’ with people. I am quiet and introspective until I’m not and then almost all of my energy is surrounded around myself and expressing my ideas.
I do consider myself a good listener and like to think that I give good advice but I operate pretty much all of my empathy and understanding from a basis of my own experiences. Even my writing is mostly myself expressing different versions of myself. I’m obsessed with the way I come up with thoughts and ideas.
I don’t know how to trust or rely on other people. I don’t know how to relax around other people. I’m always scanning myself for something that I might be doing wrong. I think a problem that I have with offline friendships (maybe? Lord knows I haven’t had many!) is that I operate them from a position of future wrongdoing. I feel like a bad person in progress.
Some of the reading that I’ve been doing is that mistakes are a part of life, and mistakes mean you’re alive and you’re learning, etc.
I guess I might try to think about what an ideal friendship would look like to me? And yet that’s very self-centered isn’t it? I want friendship because I’d like to know someone who likes me and is willing to support me.
I have an offline friend that I’ve been feeling insecure about recently. She’s a really awesome person but we don’t seem to have a lot of “having fun together” similarities? I like reading, she doesn’t. She likes watching movies and shows, I don’t.
She’s a successful adult who will be having a baby soon and I feel like I’m in arrested development and the only thing that ties me to adulthood is the fact that I’m paying bills and taxes. I’m also not sure how to be friends with someone who has a child and might interact with that child. It’s not that I don’t want to be friends with someone who has a kid, it’s that friendship at all is a new dynamic for me let alone friendship with a new parent!
I also feel as if I’m the only one reaching out recently. At the same time I’m bad at reaching out to do “things” together, and I don’t want to always be complaining about my life, etc. At the same time she hasn’t ghosted me yet? So I guess as long as she continues to respond I still have a friendship?
…
I have been in semi-regular contact with my godparents, we actually went the other weekend to a cake store for me and my sis’ birthday and they got me a book called “Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar… Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes” which is really sweet of them because I like to pretend that I’m a philosopher lmao. My godmum is being really good about my love language too, I told her I think it’s gifts. If someone gives me a gift it’s proof both that I exist as an entity in the world and that I exist as an entity in this world that someone likes enough to think of a gift for.
I also have a hole in my finger from where the dermatologist I finally got to see cut a flap of skin off to get it looked at in a lab. I’m terrified of infection because someone I follow on twitter got sepsis from a cat bite. I think ever since my dad died I’ve been a little bit of a hypochondriac.
Recently I went through like two weeks of pretty bad jaw pain and it’s only now calming down. I was worried it was an abscess but the dentist I saw looked at the tooth I indicated and xrayed it and didn’t find anything which good I don’t want an abscess cuz I’d probably have to have the tooth removed. My doc is indulging me, I’ve got a chest x-ray scheduled for my potential breathing problems (probably anxiety and habitual shallow breathing) and a pulmonary test for the same thing.
I’ve been really wanting to go to the coast recently. I want to actually look at hotels and maybe spend like a week over there. Find dog-friendly hotels and beaches (and maybe smuggle the dog into beaches where she’s not allowed in a little bag or a scarf-harness-on-my-chest…) and just… enjoy the ocean air and slather sun screen on and just hang out on the beach all the time… and maybe grieve the fact that the last time I was there was with my dad for his last trip to the beach.
God, ever since he died I’ve realized that there was so much I didn’t know about him. I don’t know why he liked the squid in varnish that he got from the fossil shop. I wish I’d wandered around with him and held his hand and asked him about what he was thinking. This regret makes me wonder more about the people around me. At the same time i feel as if I don’t have the memory space to remember everything that I want to so I feel almost compelled to create little dossiers on my friends and family lmao. I can see interviewing my loved ones to get to know them haha!
The thing that keeps me the most in check when I’m irritated with my sis is the knowledge that I love her and I don’t want to fight with her. Any angry words I would speak would just make me feel worse in the long run.
Next time I get frustrated or irritated I might just want to realize that I’m probably feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated and I might even state such with her the next time I’m feeling the way I’ve been feeling with her several times now. :/ and like my sis really isn’t doing anything that’s bad or logically irritating, it just feels like my body is… triggering me a little. “I’m sorry, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and I just want to focus on watching with without any interruption thank you.” Something like that…
<3 Anyone reading this is awesome <3
I do consider myself a good listener and like to think that I give good advice but I operate pretty much all of my empathy and understanding from a basis of my own experiences. Even my writing is mostly myself expressing different versions of myself. I’m obsessed with the way I come up with thoughts and ideas.
I don’t know how to trust or rely on other people. I don’t know how to relax around other people. I’m always scanning myself for something that I might be doing wrong. I think a problem that I have with offline friendships (maybe? Lord knows I haven’t had many!) is that I operate them from a position of future wrongdoing. I feel like a bad person in progress.
Some of the reading that I’ve been doing is that mistakes are a part of life, and mistakes mean you’re alive and you’re learning, etc.
I guess I might try to think about what an ideal friendship would look like to me? And yet that’s very self-centered isn’t it? I want friendship because I’d like to know someone who likes me and is willing to support me.
I have an offline friend that I’ve been feeling insecure about recently. She’s a really awesome person but we don’t seem to have a lot of “having fun together” similarities? I like reading, she doesn’t. She likes watching movies and shows, I don’t.
She’s a successful adult who will be having a baby soon and I feel like I’m in arrested development and the only thing that ties me to adulthood is the fact that I’m paying bills and taxes. I’m also not sure how to be friends with someone who has a child and might interact with that child. It’s not that I don’t want to be friends with someone who has a kid, it’s that friendship at all is a new dynamic for me let alone friendship with a new parent!
I also feel as if I’m the only one reaching out recently. At the same time I’m bad at reaching out to do “things” together, and I don’t want to always be complaining about my life, etc. At the same time she hasn’t ghosted me yet? So I guess as long as she continues to respond I still have a friendship?
…
I have been in semi-regular contact with my godparents, we actually went the other weekend to a cake store for me and my sis’ birthday and they got me a book called “Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar… Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes” which is really sweet of them because I like to pretend that I’m a philosopher lmao. My godmum is being really good about my love language too, I told her I think it’s gifts. If someone gives me a gift it’s proof both that I exist as an entity in the world and that I exist as an entity in this world that someone likes enough to think of a gift for.
I also have a hole in my finger from where the dermatologist I finally got to see cut a flap of skin off to get it looked at in a lab. I’m terrified of infection because someone I follow on twitter got sepsis from a cat bite. I think ever since my dad died I’ve been a little bit of a hypochondriac.
Recently I went through like two weeks of pretty bad jaw pain and it’s only now calming down. I was worried it was an abscess but the dentist I saw looked at the tooth I indicated and xrayed it and didn’t find anything which good I don’t want an abscess cuz I’d probably have to have the tooth removed. My doc is indulging me, I’ve got a chest x-ray scheduled for my potential breathing problems (probably anxiety and habitual shallow breathing) and a pulmonary test for the same thing.
I’ve been really wanting to go to the coast recently. I want to actually look at hotels and maybe spend like a week over there. Find dog-friendly hotels and beaches (and maybe smuggle the dog into beaches where she’s not allowed in a little bag or a scarf-harness-on-my-chest…) and just… enjoy the ocean air and slather sun screen on and just hang out on the beach all the time… and maybe grieve the fact that the last time I was there was with my dad for his last trip to the beach.
God, ever since he died I’ve realized that there was so much I didn’t know about him. I don’t know why he liked the squid in varnish that he got from the fossil shop. I wish I’d wandered around with him and held his hand and asked him about what he was thinking. This regret makes me wonder more about the people around me. At the same time i feel as if I don’t have the memory space to remember everything that I want to so I feel almost compelled to create little dossiers on my friends and family lmao. I can see interviewing my loved ones to get to know them haha!
The thing that keeps me the most in check when I’m irritated with my sis is the knowledge that I love her and I don’t want to fight with her. Any angry words I would speak would just make me feel worse in the long run.
Next time I get frustrated or irritated I might just want to realize that I’m probably feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated and I might even state such with her the next time I’m feeling the way I’ve been feeling with her several times now. :/ and like my sis really isn’t doing anything that’s bad or logically irritating, it just feels like my body is… triggering me a little. “I’m sorry, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and I just want to focus on watching with without any interruption thank you.” Something like that…
<3 Anyone reading this is awesome <3
