Alexander (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
catharsis_logs) wrote2024-05-26 02:25 pm
catharsis_logs) wrote2024-05-26 02:25 pm
ughhhh, existential problems
Last couple of days I've been feeling really anxious, vaguely melancholy. I dunno if I mentioned this but I feel like I've reached the "I miss him" stage of grief which if my dad is any example with his mother, will be what I'm in for probably the rest of my life.
My stomach has been upset recently as well. I've been feeling bloated and sensitive.
I've also been feeling rejected recently. Don't know why, my sis is good to me (and in fact I don't appreciate her enough) but my godparents have been busy and I've wanted to talk for a couple weeks now but they were on vacation, then busy, and now (which my selfish brain understands a little better) a good friend of theirs and my dad's has been diagnosed with cancer herself, and she's been going through treatment.
I feel a little sad, and frustrated, because Daddy was holding distance from them (the last time we were there was when we were momentary climate refugees) me and my sis didn't get to interact with them as much as I would like, and now I feel like I don't know then (but I want to) and they don't know me (which I'm afraid of).
I've just been magnifying my negative qualities recently, it's been extra hard to see my good qualities and instead focused on how I feel like I would like to be a good person, but that I'm not, not really. I talk a good talk about ethics and doing good things but I can't seem to find the energy to be a good person. Then I'm lonely because my one friend is pregnant and works and is renovating a house and doesn't have time for me and I understand and I should reach out more because she responds when I do but I also have the same problem I did with Sammy and she didn't reach out first so I felt ignored.
Then I'm reading a book called the No-Self Help Book by Kate Gustin which is kind of breaking my brain but also seems pretty relevant to me. It's like a different book where one of the things said "every time you see yourself going down the spiral of dramatic tell yourself somewhat humorously 'oh no here's my soap opera again' and hopefully make your problems feel smaller and make yourself aware of any overreactions.'"
I'm so frustrated with myself but it's like I don't have the will or energy to get out of my own way. I need to think of what might be holding myself back, maybe figure out what it is and then hopefully interact with it in such a way that I can convince myself that it's safe to do things.
I'm also running on seven hours of sleep right now and my head has been hurting. Life is hard *whines*
But really, I'm extremely fortunate. I don't have to work (which I'm vaguely terrified of doing) I have shelter, food, water, plenty of entertainment, a loving sister and godparents, and a doggie, and a safe neighborhood to live in, and good neighbors (except for the lady that screams for her free-roaming dog at all hours of the day it seems).
My stomach has been upset recently as well. I've been feeling bloated and sensitive.
I've also been feeling rejected recently. Don't know why, my sis is good to me (and in fact I don't appreciate her enough) but my godparents have been busy and I've wanted to talk for a couple weeks now but they were on vacation, then busy, and now (which my selfish brain understands a little better) a good friend of theirs and my dad's has been diagnosed with cancer herself, and she's been going through treatment.
I feel a little sad, and frustrated, because Daddy was holding distance from them (the last time we were there was when we were momentary climate refugees) me and my sis didn't get to interact with them as much as I would like, and now I feel like I don't know then (but I want to) and they don't know me (which I'm afraid of).
I've just been magnifying my negative qualities recently, it's been extra hard to see my good qualities and instead focused on how I feel like I would like to be a good person, but that I'm not, not really. I talk a good talk about ethics and doing good things but I can't seem to find the energy to be a good person. Then I'm lonely because my one friend is pregnant and works and is renovating a house and doesn't have time for me and I understand and I should reach out more because she responds when I do but I also have the same problem I did with Sammy and she didn't reach out first so I felt ignored.
Then I'm reading a book called the No-Self Help Book by Kate Gustin which is kind of breaking my brain but also seems pretty relevant to me. It's like a different book where one of the things said "every time you see yourself going down the spiral of dramatic tell yourself somewhat humorously 'oh no here's my soap opera again' and hopefully make your problems feel smaller and make yourself aware of any overreactions.'"
I'm so frustrated with myself but it's like I don't have the will or energy to get out of my own way. I need to think of what might be holding myself back, maybe figure out what it is and then hopefully interact with it in such a way that I can convince myself that it's safe to do things.
I'm also running on seven hours of sleep right now and my head has been hurting. Life is hard *whines*
But really, I'm extremely fortunate. I don't have to work (which I'm vaguely terrified of doing) I have shelter, food, water, plenty of entertainment, a loving sister and godparents, and a doggie, and a safe neighborhood to live in, and good neighbors (except for the lady that screams for her free-roaming dog at all hours of the day it seems).