catharsis_logs | 2025 bad things come in threes? (Reply)

So. I've been in a bit of a depression for a while. I attempted some new meds to potentially help with energy stuff, and they worked, but one made me stupid and the other caused real bad muscle pain. So I went off both of them and went into a mini depression hole, which sometimes happens anyway during the winter ugh. I think I'm just now coming back to 'normal', which means I have enough energy to call myself names in my head again.

I've got a bit of insecurity too. It's hard to come from a place of unconditional love like my dad, to the 'real' world where I feel like I need to 'do' things in order to 'get love'. And then I just feel so inadequate. I don't keep in touch well, I'm uncomfy going out, and I feel like of like my real-life friendships after we've become friends is all just me reaching out to initialize interactions and I feel like no one else likes doing that.

It's def my insecurity cuz I remember friends who reached out multiple times (at school, to go drinking, which I was not fond of) and other times. I have such a low meter of energy for anything, that for a long time in my life (and still) it feels like friendships are just kind of bonuses? Like they're luxuries instead of things I actually need. I know that most people won't wait around for me esp if it seems like I'm just going to say no all the time.

So that's one thing. The only real-life friend I actually have is my old PT, but she just had a baby, and has problems of her own. I reach out about once a month when I've crawled out of whatever hole I landed in, and we text for a little bit, and then I crawl away. Last time she texted me it was like a week after last time I texted, and then I received that text right in the middle of the pretty bad depression hole so it took me almost a month to respond to that. Haven't heard a response.

Couple days ago I texted her again, wishing her a happy new year, and still haven't heard a response. When I get another text from her (if I get another text from her) I'm going to respond quickly, then ask if she wants to do like a phone call once a week to like catch up? I'm letting my social anxiety kind of control me, and I'm trying to be a better friend. But also that 'wanting to be a better friend' is also keeping me from reaching out, makes me overthink everything I say, and worry about only talking about myself.

THEN, to make things even better, I think the alternator on my car is going out. I've had flickering and dim lights for a while, then when I was in the wait lane to pick up some prescriptions my car's electrical system kind of stuttered? My bluetooth disconnected, the lights flickered, and everything sort of... hiccuped? It's very hard to describe what happened. So I turned my car off (just to make sure I could turn it back on again) and it turned on again thankfully, but this time the green key light was on and flashing and it didn't go out, and my check engine light was also on. I went to the parking lot and turned the car off and on again, and it turned back on and those lights were gone thankfully, tho as I got in line again, picked up my meds, and drove back home my car felt... less responsive? Like it feel like it was a little harder to move the wheel.

I called a nice guy at the parks store in town and he said it either sounded like my alternator or my key locking/detection/immobilization system. The next day I called the mechanics I go to (Honda dealership lmao) and they couldn't get me in until Fri next week... which means I need to cancel my therapy for Monday because I didn't manage to call my rideshare place until after closing time. I also have meds to pick up (again), my hair loss med is all the way in a different city's costco so now I'm prob gonna start losing my hair faster, esp tonight after I take a shower (my having-become-once-a-month monthly shower)

Then icing on top of the shit cake, my doctor is leaving. I just started trusting her enough to show her my ass/genitals (after like 6 years). She knows I'm trans, she knows I have chronic pain. She's really good about both. she listens to what I have to say, and respects what I have to say, and I worry about getting a doctor that is less understanding especially when it comes to my chronic pain and how to deal with it and I'm worried that I'll have to change clinics, which sucks because it's literally down the street from my house and they give me my T shots, and I don't want to go somewhere else to start over!!!

So. I'm kind of stressed.

On the brighter side I have a new obsession and that's Jayce/Viktor from Arcane/League. I've been working through the tag backwards methodically and saving a truly rediculous amount of fanart to my phone. I also recently got a new laptop computer and I didn't realize how much I missed having one until I got another one. I'm even thinking about making a video edit for Arcane, and that's something I never actually managed to get into. I also wrote some fanfic, and that's been rare for a while now! So things aren't horrible. But still, climate change is happening, we elected a corrupted oligarch that might fuck up absolutely everything, and I don't know how much faith I have in people with the slightest bit of power. :/

Love ya if you read this far. <3