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Jun. 14th, 2025 04:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logsMy sister is awesome. She made a huge poster, and she went to a protest in our town today, one of the 'no kings' one. I was asleep the entire time comfortably in my bed. Then there's a second protest going on right now in front of our town hall, and here I am at home typing this out instead of standing with my sister in the blazing sun. That's the part where I'm a bad person btw. I don't even feel too guilty about not going beyond the fact that my godparents will (appropriately) be openly proud and praiseworthy (they also went to a protest today I think).
I feel like a failure but I'm also feeling rather cynical. I'm glad my sis is getting out there, we need people out there, but I'm finding more and more that I'm a by-stander at best and a run-awayer at worst. I'm a talker, a discusser, I like to talk about doing things and then not doing them. My sister has a name for this because her best friend does this too: we're Ideas People. I have a list of things in my head that are things I should be doing to be a good and ethical person and then I don't do them. The only real 'good' that I'm currently doing is that I'm not purposefully contributing to bad things.
It's been an extremely rough few weeks. I've been depressed, my anxiety has shot through the roof, and I'm stressed enough that I've got painful hives once again blooming on my hands. I've been taking more anti-anxiety meds than I have been (with prior approval from my psych) but the meds that I was prescribed for the hives make me extremely tired, and I think suppress my breathing. I can know I've had a bad sleep apnea night when I can actually remember my dreams.
In a little funny story, I asked my doc about the med that makes me sleepy, and the nurse called me back at 8am which is basically when I'm getting into REM sleep lmao. The only reason I know this happened is my call logs, and the fact that they wrote an 'after appointment' summary because otherwise I have literally NO memory of that phone call LMAO.
I've realized a little bit more about how terrified I actually am almost all the time. We had a little drama with a dude who we gave a car (that we were going to sell anyway) who then chose to do a ton of our yardwork as payment. The only problem is that he was taking things and then not coming back with them (we loaned them). So we're missing an electric scooter, and a battery charger (I think).
So we've finally got locks for the garage door(s). And my sister asked me to come out with her to tell him that we don't really want him around anymore. I'm a little proud of that one, because when my sis started getting confrontational I managed to calm things down and make clear what we were trying to say. I feel kind of bad, because he's obviously down on his luck, but we learned the other day from the police that the car (that we'd thankfully got the titles switched just in time) crashed into a ditch outside our town so we've kind of wiped our hands of him.
His (ex?)girlfriend might have been the one to crash it, because she likes to drive the car around when she 1. doesn't have a license and 2. the car doesn't have tags OR insurance and the guy didn't ever really managed to stand up to her and maybe not let her do that. She also tried to lean on my sis's charity and almost literally started to move into our garage, she was even setting up an airconditioner in the window! My sis told me this, again with the air of, do something, so I went out there and said no no, we're not doing this, I don't know you, and I don't want you living in my garage, and to her slight credit she listened to me and took down the air-conditioner without me having to ask her to.
I feel like a failure but I'm also feeling rather cynical. I'm glad my sis is getting out there, we need people out there, but I'm finding more and more that I'm a by-stander at best and a run-awayer at worst. I'm a talker, a discusser, I like to talk about doing things and then not doing them. My sister has a name for this because her best friend does this too: we're Ideas People. I have a list of things in my head that are things I should be doing to be a good and ethical person and then I don't do them. The only real 'good' that I'm currently doing is that I'm not purposefully contributing to bad things.
It's been an extremely rough few weeks. I've been depressed, my anxiety has shot through the roof, and I'm stressed enough that I've got painful hives once again blooming on my hands. I've been taking more anti-anxiety meds than I have been (with prior approval from my psych) but the meds that I was prescribed for the hives make me extremely tired, and I think suppress my breathing. I can know I've had a bad sleep apnea night when I can actually remember my dreams.
In a little funny story, I asked my doc about the med that makes me sleepy, and the nurse called me back at 8am which is basically when I'm getting into REM sleep lmao. The only reason I know this happened is my call logs, and the fact that they wrote an 'after appointment' summary because otherwise I have literally NO memory of that phone call LMAO.
I've realized a little bit more about how terrified I actually am almost all the time. We had a little drama with a dude who we gave a car (that we were going to sell anyway) who then chose to do a ton of our yardwork as payment. The only problem is that he was taking things and then not coming back with them (we loaned them). So we're missing an electric scooter, and a battery charger (I think).
So we've finally got locks for the garage door(s). And my sister asked me to come out with her to tell him that we don't really want him around anymore. I'm a little proud of that one, because when my sis started getting confrontational I managed to calm things down and make clear what we were trying to say. I feel kind of bad, because he's obviously down on his luck, but we learned the other day from the police that the car (that we'd thankfully got the titles switched just in time) crashed into a ditch outside our town so we've kind of wiped our hands of him.
His (ex?)girlfriend might have been the one to crash it, because she likes to drive the car around when she 1. doesn't have a license and 2. the car doesn't have tags OR insurance and the guy didn't ever really managed to stand up to her and maybe not let her do that. She also tried to lean on my sis's charity and almost literally started to move into our garage, she was even setting up an airconditioner in the window! My sis told me this, again with the air of, do something, so I went out there and said no no, we're not doing this, I don't know you, and I don't want you living in my garage, and to her slight credit she listened to me and took down the air-conditioner without me having to ask her to.
