Demian's Random... What?

Tue, 24 Mar 2026 06:41:27 GMT

( let's see if I can get this out without losing steam, I just took a shower so I'm extra tired, and I have a doctor's appt tomorrow that I had a... not great first appointment with, which is what this entry is about )

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This really is my vent journal

Fri, 02 Jan 2026 04:20:47 GMT

( struggling with internalized ableism and negative self talk that you've read about over and over if you've read this journal. )

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Bad mental health day(s) TW's for negative thinking

Sun, 21 Dec 2025 00:41:46 GMT

Mouthguard is helping a lil with my TMJ but I'm also attempting to be good about relaxing my jaw during the day and keeping it that way. I tend to scrunch when I'm stressed or anxious or focusing really hard on a game so I'm trying to be mindful about that.

I'm having a bit of a rough mental health day starting yesterday. Sometimes hopeless gets ahold of me like a terrier with a rat (I'm the rat if it wasn't clear) and I feel more... tender? To bad things happening. I'm also having a rough time wanting to do things but not feeling able to do them. It's my usual angst when it comes to this feeling: everything's bad, the world's dying because of humans, I suck in particular, nothing will get better and in fact will only get worse, and me and my sister won't die of old age.

I'm stressed about the internet bill, I did participate in a phone town hall, and tried to ask a question about the internet stuff but I asked my question too late and didn't get a chance to actually 'go on the air' so to speak which was both frustrating and a relief.

I'm trying to stay in the present moment, that I'm safe and have everything I need, that I have people who love me. I just have to boot the 'for now' off the end of each statement. When I get like this it's like all I can see is the ending of all the good things I have right now.

I'm trying to stay present and mindful. Life is change, change is a part of life, all good things will pass, all bad things will pass, attachment causes fear and suffering but I don't have to let go of everything, I don't have to be Buddha or Jesus, I can't solve the world's problems, I can take what I like and leave the rest, I can do what I can and not feel bad about what I can't, I am more resilient than I know.

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Thu, 18 Dec 2025 02:08:32 GMT

( Sister's Boyfriend's Dad is being a butt about paying him and BF's rent, so there is contemplation going on about him moving out/in and I'm having somewhat complicated thoughts about that... )

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Sun, 14 Dec 2025 09:59:02 GMT

my TMJ is acting up like a motherfucker. It's never hurt like this before and I'm mad that it's starting now. I'm already popping and crunching more and more when I eat so the pain is just the icing on top. It's also making everything else tense so I'm been having really bad tension headaches with it too. And the muscle relaxant makes me incredibly sleepy and I want to play Caves of Qud, not be in enough pain and/or too sleepy to be awake!

The game awards had a really phenomenal amount of gore, it was incredible in an 'wow that happened' and not quite an 'that's awesome!' because the Larian Divinity ad was both over the top and the body horror at the end was actually kind of cool (I like me some good body horror/eldritch flesh-melding, the Diablo 4 ad was also kinda cool in that way) but I could have done without pigs eating puke, and watching a man burn alive from waaaaay too close.

I'm also trying to reckon with what I would be okay with my government random people potentially in my life discovering about the private things I like on the internet because of that fucking bill/repeal they're trying to sneak through. One of my fanfic accounts'll go down, my X and Bluesky accounts'll go down(/private them all), I'm a private person goddamit! Being implicitly observed is my worst nightmare! Like I already know surveillance is happening to all Statesians but at least they're coy about it! This is pretty much plain-and-simply a censorship bill.

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Feeling rather whiny today (but what's new)

Tue, 09 Dec 2025 01:03:34 GMT

Love cyclic depression and anxiety. I'll have a period of time where I'm doing fairly well, and then I'll have a period of time where I'll think I'm a piece of shit and the world is ending and it's all my/our(humans) fault.

Almost done with the Foreigners series by C. J. Cherry. On the second book of the last trilogy (I don't own the most recent book yet) and having it be about building a rail through some different territory is feeling rather anti-climactic after everything that preceded it lmao.

I've been playing a lot of Caves of Qud and having quite a bit of fun with it. I think literally the only reason I've gotten as far as I have is the optional 'roleplay' setting which means you can check-point in settlements.

Tomorrow I need to go a lot of places. I need to pick up dog food (if they haven't sold it yet, I didn't get a call saying it was ready just that 'it would be in on Fri' and that was last month loool), get my T shot, drop off some library books, pick up some games, and pick up some of my sis' drugs.

I'm so tired. I think it's partly because my sleep schedule has been screwy. I've been going to bed around 5am every night, 4am if I'm lucky and coordinated, and the last couple days been waking around 3:30pm and today around 4pm. I don't like waking up just as the sun is going down. So I'm going to try to get to sleep 'early' tonight or at least before 5am. I've got to get it at least under enough control that waking up at 8am on Sat for the library book sale won't absolutely wreck me.

And I'm partly as tired as I am because I took what's become my monthly shower on Sat. I'm hoping to drag myself into the shower this Sat as well, so that it might not poop me as much as it has. The water heater betrayed me and ran out of hot water quite a bit before I wanted it to and needed it to, as I wasn't quite as clean as I would like. :/

Every so often I doubt being disabled but then remember that taking showers exhausts me enough that I don't do them more than once a month and it takes me like three days to recover. That I'll fall asleep on the couch like an old man if I've done too much. Grocery trips tire me out, watching TV/movies tires me out, interacting with people tires me out, almost everything exhausts me besides reading and (sometimes) playing (certain) games, or if it doesn't then I've had a month of not doing much of anything and everything else is balanced.

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Wed, 03 Dec 2025 04:04:39 GMT

Random: It kinda sucks to be an introvert's Introvert and also have energy problems on top. Because it means that hanging out with people takes up a lot of energy and more relevantly for me right now: it means I get lonely at very inconvenient times. So, I'm a little sad right now. I've also been missing my dad pretty bad the last couple days and that's contributing to the sadness.

Me and my sis were gonna do Thanksgiving this week. And she brought over food to her friends house so we can use their oven (ours doesn't work and I didn't know how I felt about using the air fryer lol) but I had to go to Costco to pick up some rotisserie chicken for my sis since turkey makes her sick and she had to go over to the friend's house to help with the friend's kitty who --TRIGGER WARNING GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF PET WOUND-- has an abscess (or did?) and now has a gigantic hole in her leg that you can see into --END TRIGGER WARNING.-- and also she's helping pay for the kitty's vet bills.

But now they're all over there, her two best friends and her boyfriend, probably eating since it's pretty late (for them) and having fun (and probably using too much energy, I'll have to watch her tonight/tomorrow) and I assumed (which we all know what that means lol) that she was gonna be home earlier and we'd eat something. I texted her and asked if we're gonna eat tonight and she hasn't responded yet. Which doesn't really mean anything, it's probably super chaotic over there with four adults and two pretty-young children and the poor wounded kitty, or she texted back and my phone didn't get it.

But it still makes me sad.

EDIT: they came home, they just came home late. They'd cooked everything and they served it up then and there even though they were pretty tired. We watched The Green Knight.

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Almost died lol

Mon, 01 Dec 2025 07:47:32 GMT

The title is a little facetious but last night I had (with my sister) my first encounter close call with a deer in the car (while I was driving). We'd gone to a different city to get a new internet deal at Xfinity. While we were at Xfinity we started asking about food option recommendations. One of the ladies described a fusion pizza place, where it's indian and italian. She talked about how 'it's at the end of a super dark highway but you'll come across a corner all lit up with light. And sure enough that was true. We pulled in, we got our pizza and fries (very good but I'm getting my sis' pizza next time), ate a tiny bit in the parking lot (I was very hungry) and we left.

As we drove back towards the city I noticed that someone had pulled over to the side of the road (in the rearview mirror it had its emergency lights on, don't know why they pulled over) then we drove for like two minutes before my sis said "deer!" and I watched as this deer almost leisurely walking out in front of my car, turning her head to stare me down as she continued walking and I hit the brakes but I also knew if I tried to go for a full stop I'd hit her anyway so I let off the brakes (I'd already let off the acelerator) and I swerved my car like a motherfucker around that damn deer and kept driving.

My sis described it as "some fucking fast and the furious type driving" and admitted that she was almost positive we were gonna hit the deer or go into the ditch/brush/couldn'tseewhatitwas.

So an Xfinity employee was responsible for me almost dying (lmao) and me and my sis saved each others lives: her by warning me which gave me just enough time to 'think' about what to do ('think' in parenthesis because it was part thinking part total instinct) to use my driving skillz to save us both.

It's funny, cuz driving to the pizza place on the highway I was thinking, 'gotta be careful on this road'.

I'm just glad no one was behind us, might've changed a lot.

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what's the word for 'settling into something with resignation but also good grace'?

Sun, 26 Oct 2025 05:37:16 GMT

( Things have been... okay?? )

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Sun, 13 Jul 2025 23:41:36 GMT

( I should really call this my angst journal. It's what I'm using to articulate (to myself) my negative thoughts and feelings. Sorry for whining, but at least my soap opera of a life might be interesting to read? This entry is going to be about loneliness. )

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Sun, 15 Jun 2025 00:17:32 GMT

( trying to come to vague terms with the potential fact that I am not really a good or extraordinary person )

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2025 bad things come in threes?

Sun, 12 Jan 2025 05:05:19 GMT

( a bunch of whining )

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Election night

Wed, 06 Nov 2024 09:13:14 GMT

Welp. Watched Hasan_Abi on twitch and he said that if Kamala loses Pennsylvania then Trump basically loses the election. Well, Kamala lost Pennsylvania. Trump got the requisite 270 and (of course) did his rambling (but a little tiny bit clearer than usual) acceptance speech.

Now I’m reading books about activism and community building, harm reduction, and a Buddhist book on radical acceptance. Basically I am trying to figure out how to survive as a “hunted” person that might be targeted by an authoritarian/facist.

Before January I need to have changed my birth certificate, gotten a passport, and maybe learned how to safely shoot a gun. My dad left behind two pistols when he passed. I def need to learn about the gun laws in my state to see if that’s even legal lol

There is also this: https://verfassungsblog.de/the-authoritarian-regime-survival-guide/

More later probably

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Wed, 06 Nov 2024 07:03:48 GMT

Can’t cut-text since for some reason my iPad doesn’t like putting down the correct font of the quotation marks dreamwidth prefers haha.

So. Grief. I think the 1st year my dad was gone I was either numb or overwhelmed. I think I spent a lot of it recovering from the amount of stress and pain (both physical and mental) of that last year and a half of taking care of him.

This year I miss him more, it’s a little like a constant ache now. Pretty much every day I say some variation of “I miss you”.

Day before last was pretty upsetting. My sis made a new guy friend and for some reason I have an almost phobia of men which I don’t know why, more women than men in my life have hurt me and the most supportive pillar of my life was my dad. She asked me if he could come over and I kind of squirmed and was vague about how much I did not want him to come over. We finally agreed (me with reluctance) that he could come over on Sunday.

So on TUESDAY I wake up in my room, and I hear a man’s voice in my sister’s room. And my heart sank. I did not want to meet him when I’d just woken up. It was lucky that I had PANTS I could wear in my room so I didn’t have to sneak by in my underwear. Went downstairs PRAYING that they would stay in my sis’s room. Managed to go to the bathroom (and cry a little, feeling that my sis had violated my trust) and took my morning meds. I gathered up some entertainment from my room and went back upstairs to my room, unfortunately my sis’s door was more open than it had been and she said “Hey Damien!” And I said “HEY.” And went into my room.

I texted my friend the whole situation. And then I called the pharmacy to make sure I was gonna get my meds that day. Then I called my therapist, talking to her right there and then, and she helped me to come up with a script that would work for me to make clearer my boundaries.

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Thu, 24 Oct 2024 23:19:58 GMT

ughhhh, existential problems

Sun, 26 May 2024 21:55:47 GMT

Last couple of days I've been feeling really anxious, vaguely melancholy. I dunno if I mentioned this but I feel like I've reached the "I miss him" stage of grief which if my dad is any example with his mother, will be what I'm in for probably the rest of my life.

My stomach has been upset recently as well. I've been feeling bloated and sensitive.

I've also been feeling rejected recently. Don't know why, my sis is good to me (and in fact I don't appreciate her enough) but my godparents have been busy and I've wanted to talk for a couple weeks now but they were on vacation, then busy, and now (which my selfish brain understands a little better) a good friend of theirs and my dad's has been diagnosed with cancer herself, and she's been going through treatment.

I feel a little sad, and frustrated, because Daddy was holding distance from them (the last time we were there was when we were momentary climate refugees) me and my sis didn't get to interact with them as much as I would like, and now I feel like I don't know then (but I want to) and they don't know me (which I'm afraid of).

I've just been magnifying my negative qualities recently, it's been extra hard to see my good qualities and instead focused on how I feel like I would like to be a good person, but that I'm not, not really. I talk a good talk about ethics and doing good things but I can't seem to find the energy to be a good person. Then I'm lonely because my one friend is pregnant and works and is renovating a house and doesn't have time for me and I understand and I should reach out more because she responds when I do but I also have the same problem I did with Sammy and she didn't reach out first so I felt ignored.

Then I'm reading a book called the No-Self Help Book by Kate Gustin which is kind of breaking my brain but also seems pretty relevant to me. It's like a different book where one of the things said "every time you see yourself going down the spiral of dramatic tell yourself somewhat humorously 'oh no here's my soap opera again' and hopefully make your problems feel smaller and make yourself aware of any overreactions.'"

I'm so frustrated with myself but it's like I don't have the will or energy to get out of my own way. I need to think of what might be holding myself back, maybe figure out what it is and then hopefully interact with it in such a way that I can convince myself that it's safe to do things.

I'm also running on seven hours of sleep right now and my head has been hurting. Life is hard *whines*

But really, I'm extremely fortunate. I don't have to work (which I'm vaguely terrified of doing) I have shelter, food, water, plenty of entertainment, a loving sister and godparents, and a doggie, and a safe neighborhood to live in, and good neighbors (except for the lady that screams for her free-roaming dog at all hours of the day it seems).

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If wishes were horses…

Sun, 28 Apr 2024 22:19:38 GMT

I wish I could watch TV. But it stresses me the fuck out. My sis just put on the Fallout TV show and I couldn’t watch past the first five minutes. I feel like I’m on the verge of an anxiety attack. I over identify with the characters, the colors are too bright, and for this show, the subject matter is too scary. Not to mention that I didn’t start out the day wanting to watch Fallout, and in fact, I didn’t think I wanted to watch Fallout at all (except on my own selfish terms).

I’m not mad at my sister, I’m glad that she can watch and enjoy TV shows and movies. But I feel bad, I feel like TV/movies are almost universally enjoyed and I’m finding that I don’t really enjoy it at all except for a very few shows (usually cartoons or anime, where I can more easily separate myself out from the characters and the subject matter). I just feel slightly lonely and disconnected since it feels like my dad and sister are big movie buffs. I enjoyed them too, but I found that they gave me what I called movie hangovers especially if we watched them in theaters. I would have a headache, feel slightly sick to my stomach, and extremely tired and eventually it didn’t become worth the cost, and then Covid happened and then my dad never got to watch another movie in theaters.

When he was fighting cancer, a lot of times the only thing he had energy for was watching movies in his room. The problem with this is he liked to watch loud action-type movies, and the only comfortable place in his room to sit down in was his chair. I hope he wasn’t too lonely at the end. I really wish we had thought to hire someone sooner so we could spend quality time with him not as his caretakers but as his kids.

I used to love apocalyptic movies. I felt safe with them because I felt like my life was falling apart around me almost constantly. But I guess as I grow older I can’t take it. I would prefer an apocalyptic show that’s about the flora and fauna that survive if humans manage to take each other out. That’s about the only comfort I feel right now, that if something happens, nature will find a way.

I hope that the afterlife is a place of comfort, and that selfishness is eradicated if we continue to have selves. I’m trying to do the best I can while I’m alive. Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, just struggling a little with hopelessness.

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On a separate medical note. I had a biopsy done on the hive-things that pop up mostly on my hands during really stressful times of my life. For example: they pop up during finals week, and they practically covered my entire hands when my dad was dying. So they took a big flap of skin and sent it off to be tested.

They called me back later to tell me they had found signs of “connectivity disease” and that they recommended my PCP refer me to rheumatology. Which is… kind of scary. I looked it up and the scariest things for connectivity disease show up as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus. I dunno, I feel like my PCP has tested my blood before for rheumatoid signs and didn’t find anything but I guess a rheumatoidologist (??? [google tell me what to call a doctor of rheumatology Answer: a rheumatologist]) will be able to hopefully say more about the symptoms I’ve been having.

I’ve been struggling a bit with being a grown-up. I’m only 32 and I feel older. I feel like my body is finally telling me: man, you gotta change some shit. I’m gonna make you feel like shit if you don’t start eating right and stretch and take care of me! So I’m trying to do better.

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Also this week has been shit. On Monday-ish stretching off the side of the couch to reach my dog I twisted a muscle or pinched a nerve or some shit because it hurt really bad. Later that night my back hurt but my leg hurt worse. Bad enough that I went straight to my heavy-duty meds (which is what they’re there for me, don’t feel bad about it and when I started feeling better I stopped taking them!). I was in pain for like 3 days but thankfully each day I started feeling a little better.

Then a couple days ago I had really bad acid reflux like I hadn’t had in years. Waking up to acid in my mouth bad. Eventually at like 7am I got up and just made myself puke to get it over with sooner since the TUMs weren’t doing anything it felt like.

My sister has been a demon cleaning up the house while I’m stuck slug-like on the couch and feeling bad about it and telling myself it’s okay that I haven’t been doing as many things as I should because I’ve been feeling like shit this week

It’s a work in progress. Life is a work in progress. I have to accept that I will be a work in progress until I die and hopefully things will be better there (or I won’t be aware enough to care).

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Insecurity

Sat, 13 Apr 2024 10:19:29 GMT

I’ve been feeling insecure about friendship recently. I am a neglectful friend. I don’t reach out a lot. I don’t consider myself good at ‘having fun’ with people. I am quiet and introspective until I’m not and then almost all of my energy is surrounded around myself and expressing my ideas.

I do consider myself a good listener and like to think that I give good advice but I operate pretty much all of my empathy and understanding from a basis of my own experiences. Even my writing is mostly myself expressing different versions of myself. I’m obsessed with the way I come up with thoughts and ideas.

I don’t know how to trust or rely on other people. I don’t know how to relax around other people. I’m always scanning myself for something that I might be doing wrong. I think a problem that I have with offline friendships (maybe? Lord knows I haven’t had many!) is that I operate them from a position of future wrongdoing. I feel like a bad person in progress.

Some of the reading that I’ve been doing is that mistakes are a part of life, and mistakes mean you’re alive and you’re learning, etc.

I guess I might try to think about what an ideal friendship would look like to me? And yet that’s very self-centered isn’t it? I want friendship because I’d like to know someone who likes me and is willing to support me.

I have an offline friend that I’ve been feeling insecure about recently. She’s a really awesome person but we don’t seem to have a lot of “having fun together” similarities? I like reading, she doesn’t. She likes watching movies and shows, I don’t.

She’s a successful adult who will be having a baby soon and I feel like I’m in arrested development and the only thing that ties me to adulthood is the fact that I’m paying bills and taxes. I’m also not sure how to be friends with someone who has a child and might interact with that child. It’s not that I don’t want to be friends with someone who has a kid, it’s that friendship at all is a new dynamic for me let alone friendship with a new parent!

I also feel as if I’m the only one reaching out recently. At the same time I’m bad at reaching out to do “things” together, and I don’t want to always be complaining about my life, etc. At the same time she hasn’t ghosted me yet? So I guess as long as she continues to respond I still have a friendship?

…

I have been in semi-regular contact with my godparents, we actually went the other weekend to a cake store for me and my sis’ birthday and they got me a book called “Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar… Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes” which is really sweet of them because I like to pretend that I’m a philosopher lmao. My godmum is being really good about my love language too, I told her I think it’s gifts. If someone gives me a gift it’s proof both that I exist as an entity in the world and that I exist as an entity in this world that someone likes enough to think of a gift for.

I also have a hole in my finger from where the dermatologist I finally got to see cut a flap of skin off to get it looked at in a lab. I’m terrified of infection because someone I follow on twitter got sepsis from a cat bite. I think ever since my dad died I’ve been a little bit of a hypochondriac.

Recently I went through like two weeks of pretty bad jaw pain and it’s only now calming down. I was worried it was an abscess but the dentist I saw looked at the tooth I indicated and xrayed it and didn’t find anything which good I don’t want an abscess cuz I’d probably have to have the tooth removed. My doc is indulging me, I’ve got a chest x-ray scheduled for my potential breathing problems (probably anxiety and habitual shallow breathing) and a pulmonary test for the same thing.

I’ve been really wanting to go to the coast recently. I want to actually look at hotels and maybe spend like a week over there. Find dog-friendly hotels and beaches (and maybe smuggle the dog into beaches where she’s not allowed in a little bag or a scarf-harness-on-my-chest…) and just… enjoy the ocean air and slather sun screen on and just hang out on the beach all the time… and maybe grieve the fact that the last time I was there was with my dad for his last trip to the beach.

God, ever since he died I’ve realized that there was so much I didn’t know about him. I don’t know why he liked the squid in varnish that he got from the fossil shop. I wish I’d wandered around with him and held his hand and asked him about what he was thinking. This regret makes me wonder more about the people around me. At the same time i feel as if I don’t have the memory space to remember everything that I want to so I feel almost compelled to create little dossiers on my friends and family lmao. I can see interviewing my loved ones to get to know them haha!

The thing that keeps me the most in check when I’m irritated with my sis is the knowledge that I love her and I don’t want to fight with her. Any angry words I would speak would just make me feel worse in the long run.

Next time I get frustrated or irritated I might just want to realize that I’m probably feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated and I might even state such with her the next time I’m feeling the way I’ve been feeling with her several times now. :/ and like my sis really isn’t doing anything that’s bad or logically irritating, it just feels like my body is… triggering me a little. “I’m sorry, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and I just want to focus on watching with without any interruption thank you.” Something like that…

<3 Anyone reading this is awesome <3

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Thu, 21 Mar 2024 10:13:51 GMT

( Update on my life. Good news and eh I’m living news )

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update

Mon, 21 Aug 2023 20:54:01 GMT

Lots of things have been happening... and not happening. I saw my therapist and she brought up some uncomfortable thoughts, so uncomfy that I might not talk about them even here. But! There was a moment of serendipity.

To get to my therapist's office from the parking garage that is 'free'(my therapist has like an 'up to two hours free' voucher for her office) I had to go through an alleyway, which slightly sketched me out because I'm a scardy-cat. When going back to the parking garage I went through the same alley-way (I was a bit turned around lmao) and at the end of the first alley there was a nondescript building in like a sort of half-basement and I noticed on the window it said something like '[the county] Geneological [place, I can't remember the whole name lmao] and I stepped forward and saw if it was a place I could actually go into, and there was a little red sign on the window that said "come in!"(or something like that) and so I went in.

There was an elderly lady at a welcome/information desk with an older desktop computer down a small carpeted flight of stairs, and then there was a middle-aged lady at a four-seat desk further in the back on a laptop. They both looked up at me, and the elderly lady (kindly) said "Can we help you?" and I gathered my thoughts and cleared my throat and sheepishly asked "I don't know if you can help me with this, but I'd like to find a grave?" and when they said sure I explained "My dad died a couple weeks ago, and I'm trying to find his mother's grave, to see if maybe we can intern some of his ashes with her." and they gave me their condolences and looked stuff up on their computer. The elderly lady found an old picture of my grandma and I gave her the party-fact that we talk about sometimes, which is that as a young woman my grandmother was almost the spitting image of the queen as a younger woman, and the woman looked more closely at the picture and said (with some surprise) "your dad was right!".

The middle-aged lady in the back (I'm realizing sheepishly now that I should have asked their names) said "I think I found her obituary!" and I went over to her computer and there it was! I'd been looking and looking and made a (free) membership on familysearch but I was reluctant to sign up for ancestry dot com because I didn't want to pay for it lmao and ancestry was what they had (obviously as they were a geneological group). And there she was. I took a picture thanked them profusely and then went on my way. I might go by this week on Thurs (which is when my next therapy appointment is) and give them some money and maybe ask a few more questions.

I also called the number my sister gave me of a woman who is a part of a family (that I don't want to name even though apparently I have like a(n almost literal lmao) million relatives) on the East coast that we are connected to by my grandmother (my mom's side of the family can fade into the distance as far as I'm concerned lmao). She's the 'historian' of the family and I wanted to ask her where my grandmother was buried, but she explained over the phone that she couldn't do that but that she would look up our potential connection to that family and then get back in contact with me. It was only after we'd hung up that I realized that I'd just finished talking with a relative...

...I'd also come out to her to explain any incongruousness with my records while before stepping out of the closet leading with "I hope this doesn't change your opinion of me" but I used to be [old name] and am now [my name]" and somewhat vaguely referenced that I'm a man now. And she said that of course she didn't mind and that she'd treat me just the same, and then when I thanked her for that while saying that some other people might have reacted badly she said "Well, it's between you and our lord Jesus Christ. I don't have to like it- I don't, but it's between you and god." And like... thanks? relative that lives in (oh god) Florida? And like, I'd gone into the phone call itself with a zen attitude, and listened to her talk about her life (she's got an interesting life) and hearing that I was like (in my head) 'oh, that's slightly disappointing, but at least she's gonna treat me like a human being?????????' LMAO.

SO. I'm going to look up the funeral home that apparently arranged my grandma's funeral and hope that they have a record of where she's buried (and hope that it's not in fucking UTAH with grandpa).

We're still waiting on my dad's ashes, and the death certificate(s). So we're in kind of a legal limbo right now regarding bills and money and other stuff. Which is SUCH a fun feeling.

I'm feeling more sureality. It's like daddy's just in the other room. I keep wanting to go to him and share things and having a little 'oh.' every time. Everything that reminds me of him makes me go 'oh.' right now. I'm reading fanfic and going 'oh' at freaking random points. I feel also that my grief is hiding in another room as well, and some of it leaks out from time to time, and I want to open the door to it, so that it doesn't build and maybe explode out of the room. It's like letting off pressure every once in a while. I'm trying to cry when I feel like crying, and feel the grief when it comes to the surface.

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Fri, 11 Aug 2023 08:57:16 GMT

A feeling I had early on in the Afterwards was a somewhat similar feeling to what I had the first (and only so far) experience moving into an apartment. I wasn't working at the time, and it was before the time where I felt fairly comfortable using my GPS on my phone, so I was trapped. The apartment did not have wifi, the person I was living with worked, and I knew no one around me. I was living in a sparsely furnished bedroom, utterly alone with the only company being my friend's cat. I could not handle it psychologically. I was watching Twitch on my phone all the time to feel at least somewhat connected to other people. I called my dad to make sure my cell had unlimited data because I was going to be using it a lot.

I think I'm feeling a similar sort of loneliness right now. I've been watching Twitch streams a lot when previously I'd kind of been pulling back from watching a lot of it. I think that now that my dad is not in the background of my life anymore as a person I can ask advice from, and hug, and just hang out with, that I'm learning how precarious human relationships can be and how much I've kind of let things slide. It also kind of sucks how I... preferred spending time with my Dad over my Sister and now my Sister is all I have lmao.......

I want to create little 'moments' that I can remember later as good times. So I'm actually thinking of attempting to get together with my godparents more often, maybe at least once a year (at least) because they aren't getting any younger either. And getting many more pictures taken together. I want a picture of me hugging my godfather, and me hugging my godmother, and like, those images would be moments that would be slightly manufactured, but they might help me to look back with fondness and with less regret when they pass. Like I regret not having more pictures of my dad and me together. I regret not doing more things with him. One of the best things I did recently was take him to the Coast in April and he did really express his gratitude and that he got to hang out with me like that. So that's something to hold onto, but also I don't have more pictures of it! (I made sure to at least take a few so there's that)

I worked out tonight (didn't last night) and learned that I prefer to take showers at home (silly me thinking it'd be easier at the gym lmao). I'm going to physical therapy tomorrow and my friend Rachel is my PT. I want to have information on strengthening stuff, getting my energy levels up.

I want friends, I want community. I'm not a huge party person but I could see having a weekly board-game night or something, going to a music festival or going on a short hike.

I'm trying to be less scared and more confident. At the same time there are all these feelings like: "when a bad thing happens I won't be able to call my dad and get his help/comfort beyond looking at the sky and praying"

anyway, good night <3

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Tue, 08 Aug 2023 23:20:52 GMT

CW descriptive talk of panic attacks and bereavement

Saturday night I had the first severe panic attack I've had in what feels like years. I was strangely cold, I've been turning off the air conditioner in my room and the night before last I literally put on a sweatshirt and pants. My lips were tingling and turning numbish and I had a really bad headache (crying too much).

Started crying really hard when the funeral people got there to take the body away, seeing them wrap him in plastic, then cover him with the body bag was really really hard. It was also incredibly hard to watch them load him up in the (white lol) van and drive away.

I feel like there's been a long period in my life, where whenever he drives away in his car or goes somewhere I like to wave... liked, to wave before he turned the corner and was out of sight, always with the mild fear that he won't come back. And this was the last time. He's not coming back this time, he's not gonna wave out the window with the sign language for I love you as he drives away.

So far the nights have been the absolute hardest to get through. My whole body likes to start screaming at me the most during that time. The absolute worst part is that what feels like a gigantic rock likes to sit in the top of my stomach and just roll around painfully. It like literally hurts. My apetite has been absolute garbage because of it but I'm trying to force myself to eat.

One of my sister's friends says that grief is like a rock that gets smaller over a period of time. Something that I read recently is that grief is like a cycle, it comes and goes. The better periods get longer and longer, but that total absence- like, no one in my life is ever going to be able to fit into that space in my life.

He was in my life for 31 years. He was one of my greatest protectors. He was pretty much my best friend. He loved me unconditionally and in the past days before he died he told me several times that the English word "love" was inadequate for what he felt towards me.

Last few nights have been tearsworthy. Saturday night was panic attack, I took a xanax (which I have for panic attacks), and took tramadol for my head pain.

The next day was better, I didn't have as much panic attack symptoms and did not have as hard a cry but I DID have some pretty bad insomnia and some pretty bad pain in my stomach. Got like an hour sleep then got up at 5am. Slept later that day for a few hours. Went out and picked up some drugs. Gave myself my T shot which started off the intense tears which had been building for a while.

Last night was... okay. I talked with my godmother during the day which helped me to cry a lot again later that night, I took another Xanax after the big cry later since during the phone call my godmom said that "that's practically what it was invented for" lol. I've been taking my other anxiety medication but it's not really touching it which sucks.

I also read that moving the body can help since the body is really going through a crisis in this particular moment. So I decided to get my stuff together and go work out for the first time in YEARS. Luckily a dude let me in when both of my keycards didn't work (I later realized that the one that might have worked was in my wallet lmao) and I worked out for about an hour, switching machines as needed. I did a machine that was like stepping but not which was uncomfortable after a while, I walked on a treadmill for a while, and then when my back started hurting I switched over to a bike and pedaled for the rest of the time. I want to talk to my PT about stretching properly before I go anywhere near weights however.

Anyway, like I told my godmother, it's early days yet. Shit sucks.

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CW death, description of dying

Sat, 05 Aug 2023 17:30:28 GMT

My dad passed today.

There's going to be a lot of processing after this, but my sis came in this morning in tears to tell me. He'd already started to change colors. Still warm, so I got to give him a hug and a kiss on the forehead.

Last night was slightly cathartic. The last day or so has been immensely hard. But the night before last, when I was going to bed, I bent down and just hugged him for a long time. He hugged me tight and said "I could do this forever."

I told him I loved him at the door to his room. He told me he loved me back. (I'm already having trouble remembering the sound of his voice) I felt... hesitant to say that I would see him tomorrow. I usually do a 'see you in the morning' and it felt strange to say it this time so I stuttered for a second and he said "See you later alligator." and I said "After a while crocodile." And I shut the door. That was the last time he was conscious and aware of his surroundings.

My godparents are here now. They came down last night. I'm having a little bit of trouble, processing. But I wanted to write this here now, so I could have a record to look at for later.

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Long rambling post

Fri, 21 Jul 2023 23:50:41 GMT

( this time I will cut text just for length )

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Cancer updates

Sun, 09 Jul 2023 00:46:18 GMT

Dad is... still here. He has pretty frankly told me that if something happens to him at all that we should just let him go. This is hard to contemplate for obvious reasons. He's even talked with me about my state's death with dignity act which I am... uncertain about(1) and not for just the obvious reasons. I hate that he's in that much pain and discomfort.

I am extremely hesitant to talk with my dad about it because I don't want him to... include me or my sister in that decision in either direction. I don't want him to feel that he should do it for us, or should not do it for us, and I think his platonic soulmate coming down tomorrow might help with decision making in that respect. Actually I'm hoping that her coming down (with her husband and their adorable but rambunctious doggie) will help with a lot of decision making.

We're going to be meeting with our financial advisor and she'll hopefully make it clear just how much money we have to take care of him while he's on his way out (I'm not too worried, which is a blessing in this day and age) and that might make him feel better.

Me and my dad have had frank(-ish) talks in the past about how if he can't take care of himself that we need to get him somewhere else that's not the house. If we're helping him with wiping, and lifting, etc. The problem is that we're pretty much there. He can kinda still get around. He can at least lift himself out of his recliner enough to get stand on a walker to inch over to the wheelchair so I (or my sis when it's her 'shift') can wheel him to the bathroom.

I have seen more of my dad's penis in the last couple weeks than I ever wanted in my life, but it's strangely not disturbing. If anything about this is positive it's just finally that bodies are bodies. Seeing my dad's junk is not traumatizing or gross, it's just a penis. I guess part of the point I'm making here is that things are bordering upon too much. I do not want to help him wipe, I do not want to touch parts of his body. I do not want to have to deal with many bodily fluids. It's bad enough that the other night he stood to use the little handheld urinal and missed.

My back is also feeling like it's starting to disintegrate a little bit and that's not even with me really lifting him! Just maneuvering the wheelchair is hard!

Yesterday my sister's friends came in and got rid of the two defunct chairs in my dad's room. The day before a new recliner got delivered to him that I'd bought a couple days before. This whole damn week has been crazy.

Worrying about the house or neighborhood burning the fuck down because some asshole neighbors were setting off mortar fireworks practically above our fucking house. Frantically setting up a new hose so I could spray down our trees and at least half of the house (but not our tinderbox back yard because the hose wouldn't reach 😂 ) while my sister stood there as mortar pieces came through the treetops of the trees at our house. My sis just finally called 911 and then a small bit later I think I heard an officer giving a "okay, okay, your neighbors have ruined the fun" scolding in the back alley.

The day before I went to a furniture store I'd never been in before and called my dad and took pictures to give a show-and-tell when my dad can't get to the store. Then I said I'd be back the next day after I'd looked at the other furniture store but could he hold the chair and he held the chair. Then went to the other furniture store, tried out cushions for the chairs there, none of them were really up to the standards of the chair I'd found at the other store. So I went back and bought the chair the next day and had it delivered on thursday.

I know I'm extremely stressed when I start sleeping like 11 hours AND falling asleep while doing things in bed. I'm not bathing/showering either because I just don't have the fucking energy. I think I'm holding a new record of length-without now. My hands are starting to break into painful hives (that we don't know are actual hives, I have an appointment with a dermatologist in 2024) which is problematic when I want to do things with my hands like getting my dad his meds, using a can opener, etc. I'm thinking about getting my sis to cut my hair because I just can't take care of it at the length it's at right now. I might get it to just below my shoulderblades. Right now it's to just above my asscrack if I pull the curls down a little. Also it's harder to talk(2) and communicate which doesn't help much in this kind of situation.

Here's what I'm hoping for Monday
- talk to our financial lady and she'll lay out how much money we have for daddy's care, how much money we'll have when he passes, what we need to do to continue paying the bills while also not draining our accounts
- talk to my godmom(3), have my godmom talk to my dad, help him out spiritually and mentally. Maybe talk him into going somewhere other than the house where he can be taken care of better and where me and sis can go visit him and actually spend time with him as a person instead of him as a patient. I don't want him to go and yet at the same time I don't see us really being able to help him in the long run.
- he'll make the decision to go on hospice (on Wednesday, after we've seen the Occupational Therapist who might have suggestions for the house...) and we'll at least start getting that support in place.

Anyway, I think that's it for now. I'm glad to have somewhere to dump all that I've been thinking about recently. I'll hopefully have another update at the end of this week after decisions have been made. I'm gonna go call my godmother now.

(1) I'm cool with death with dignity acts as long as a person does not feel pressured one way or another. Euthenasia laws in general are... yeah. I strongly feel that people should have the choice. But I also feel that we fail people if they feel as if that is their only way out of pain or discomfort or looming medical bills for their children or other people in their lives.

(2) My sister told me one time that whenever she was on a trip with me somewhere, that she knew I was tired when I stopped really participating in conversation and that on the way home in the car I turned the music up 😂

(3) It'll just be hard because while I know she won't be judgemental I'm still ashamed of the house. I feel like I should have been doing more to keep things clean and organized but then, the house has always somewhat been like this since my mom died. I think my dad is(might be) clinically depressed and has been for a long time.

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