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I hate it when they're in their room alone, talking... it makes me feel like (irrationally) they're talking about me, no, arguing. I hate it, it reminds me of my parents and when they used to argue. I hated that, I hate it when people argue with each other. I know it's a natural (healthy?) part of being in a relationship, and can even be fun in the right situation. That doesn't mean that I have to like it. Or that I won't irrationally think the argument is about me. I don't know how they normally act. I don't know if bedtime is their argue time. I don't know if they never argue when I'm around, and they only argue when I am around. It sucks. Not knowing. Being helpless, because I am helpless in these situations. FML.

Just once, I'd like to go on a trip, and not be a total angst-bucket. Not tear myself up inside for NO FUCKING REASON AT ALL. I hate what the radio said today. That the depression is my fault. That I am to blame for my own misery. And while part of that may be true, it's also victim-blaming of them. They don't understand that that kind of message just makes some people hate themselves even more.

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Alexander

June 2025

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