(no subject)

[catharsis_logs]

Plans for the present: Write a Sherlock Bigbang. 15,000 words or longer. Actually work on the fucking thing, because it started in February and I started in February and haven't worked on it since. I don't think I even have a thousand words in yet. *gags*

And then maybe I should work on some original writing. Poetry maybe, or even some actual writing if I can manage to squeeze it into my oh-so-busy life. *sarcasm* (all I've been doing lately, is surfing Tumblr, watching justin.tv, and watching awesome music videos and listening to music on Youtube.)

Plans for the future: Go to admissions for PSU and register for classes to start next year. Get my driver's license so I can actually drive up there and back down by myself. Reserve a dorm room, try to get special treatment for my sex(or lack there of), meet (hopefully) friendly people.

Things I've been doing lately: Started T(estosterone). Was awkward getting it, because it was like I was advertising my 'condition' (fuck that) to everyone there. I don't know if I have enough for tomorrow (my next shot day is tomorrow if you haven't guessed) but I can't refill it today because it's Sunday and NOBODY EVER DOES THINGS ON A SUNDAY.

My voice has dropped a little bit, and I'm getting a little bit hairier. It's been fun so far even if I haven't told my dad to use neutral pronouns in relation to me yet. Oh, and zits, and fucking periods. WHY when I start T, do my periods finally decide to regulate themselves?! Makes no damn sense.

My best friend, Sammy, is sick, like almost seriously so. The doctors can't figure out what's wrong with her and why she isn't getting any better. Of course it isn't like the doctors are going to work very hard at finding out what's wrong if they (Sammy and her husband) can't fucking pay the hospital/test bills. Fucking assholes. (The doctors, not Sammy) So I'm seriously worried about her and trying to regulate my jealousy in relation to Sammy and her husband.

Okay, so I should try to work this out in words and not just in my head, and do it semi-coherently as well. Just spell out the story of me and Sammy and why the fuck I'm jealous of her husband. I'm not going to get too wordy, because at this point I've thought about it too much, and a little brevity will do me good.

Once upon a time. I kissed Samantha. And then we were kind of dating, for about two weeks (to a month, I can't remember really how long it was, just that it was one of the happiest times of my life) before she tried to move to the 'next step' (which was kissing and was apparently a big step for little ol' asexual me.) and I panicked and broke up with her.

My counselor tries to comfort me in the fact that Sammy moved away after that and long-distance relationships never develop well. But I'm still fucking bitter and regretful. It didn't matter so much after we broke up because we had a long period of silence between each other (about one/two/three years) that I was pretty much fine with. (Or I was so heartbroken I just didn't feel anything. I don't remember much of that period right after we broke up.)

I think the bitterness and jealousy and heartbrokenness comes from a lost chance and unanswered questions.

Sammy kissed me after her and Joseph were just starting to date. When she came over and then left, she was leaving and she gave me a really quick kiss on the lips. Then the next time she came over I demanded a kiss and -looking kind of hesitant- she gave me another quick kiss. I think the second kiss was when her and Joseph were further along in their dating.

Still, I wonder what those kisses meant. It hurts my heart to think about it. But, the next eighteen years and possibly the rest of her life, are not mine to cherish, mine to keep. Those years are for her husband and child. Yes, she had a kid with Joseph. It's over. I need to move on and somehow stay friends with her. I need to sever the ties that bind my mind romantically with her. I can't date someone else and long for Samantha. I need to let my love for her go into hibernation, anything more would be betrayal to my future significant 'others'.

But the longer I don't have my drivers license, the longer I'm trapped in this house, with no way to search for a new loved one. I need to get into college, get my driver's license, so that I can start searching for someone else.