Talking about (my) asexuality and (lack of) sexual attraction.

[catharsis_logs]

I just learned what sexual attraction is. Or at least the definition. And I finally finally have firmly established the fact that I am Asexual. (Though I am leaving it up in the air sorta, as possible to change. Though if I'm NOT sexually attracted to Chris Hemsworth, or Tom Hiddleston, or my (gorgeous) best friend Samantha, I kinda doubt that it'll be changing anytime soon.)

I'm definitely not aromantic though. I have romantic feelings, all the time. I can imagine kissing someone, and getting turned on by the kissing. (at least in my dreams when I've been kissed I've been able to be turned on) But I can't actually imagine any sexual act with anyone. I masturbate (quite a lot too) but I am never participating in any of my fantasies. (if I even have a fantasy when I masturbate.) (((TMI --> I watch porn when I masturbate, and I even get turned on by the thought of something being inside me, but I'm never a participant in the porn. And it's never someone else penetrating me. I'm almost like a scientist when I watch porn, it's just that I'm accidentally turned on while watching. Then after I climax anything else I watch afterwards (like if I finish before the porn ends) I immediately get grossed out/turned off. <--END TMI)))

I'm almost like a voyeur. I can watch two people getting it on (without them knowing about me), but I can not imagine myself getting involved. I can imagine being freaked out if I do participate. (Like fucking (not a pun) terrified.) I can even imagine pleasuring someone, but if I think about anyone pleasuring me I get turned off and freaked out. And if I don't get freaked out, I just can't imagine it, it's like when I try to fantasize about someone else with me and us getting it on I run into some kind of invisible wall. And even if I fantasize about having sex with someone else, It's never anyone I know, or even really a person (it IS human, just faceless/no personality/NOT a doll). It's hard to describe. I suppose you could call me a narcissist, because I can imagine having sex with myself, though that's not too far a step from masturbation and I've been doing that for such a long time you don't even want to know what age I was when I started. Let's put it this way, I didn't know what sex was when I accidentally (seriously) learned how to masturbate.

Maybe if I ever get bottom surgery I'll start having those kinds of feelings, but I kind of doubt it.
Sorry for TMI, I just need to work on these thoughts sometimes. If you're disturbed by this, you don't want to know what else I'm into. Anyway, if you ARE disturbed by this, I'll private-entry it. I might just do that anyway but I'll leave it open for now.

Comments

[enemyofperfect]

I might be a bad judge of TMI -- possibly it has to do with being a writer, but I basically think that human beings are fascinating, and levels of Information that other people might consider Too Much often just make me think, ooh, more data -- but for what it's worth, I'm completely undisturbed, and think you've done a good job of warning anybody who might be. So, definitely you should make this entry as private as you want to, but FWIW, I think you're a-okay.

[catharsis_logs]

This reply is enough for me to think that I don't really need to make this private. :) Besides, it's under a cut, and it's the damn internet.

[enemyofperfect]

and it's the damn internet.

Exactly. :)