Hm. More musings.

[catharsis_logs]

I kind of wish I could still sing, I am definitely no longer a soprano, or even an alto. I am making my way from tenor to a more comfortable light bass. I dunno, I didn't take choir long enough or music theory to know what the word is that is 'between tenor and bass'. My voice disappears when I try to hit the higher ranges, and it cracks embarrassingly when I try to sing like I used to. I literally have to relearn how to sing. That either sucks, or is kind of cool, whichever way I look at it.

I guess I'm a pretty musical person. I'm looking forward to practicing my keyboard (piano) when I get to PSU. I'm going to be bringing it along with me, because I could see that as being a kind of nice hobby for when I get bored or particularly sad. Maybe when I get better at playing, I could even start writing my own music. (Sad stuff, of course. There is nothing more beautiful than sad ambient piano music.)

Surprisingly I am suffering from money troubles. It's not that I don't have enough, it's that it's a pain in the ass to rearrange it every day. I'm going to have to get used to it though, with college, and insurance payments, and surgery, and groceries. Bleah. *sticks out tongue*

*BORING MONEY STUFF AHEAD* So I need to put about 200 into my debit card, to pay for the Loki figurine I have pre-ordered so that I can pay for it and it doesn't go to someone else. Then I need 350 for insurance. And 6,000 for surgery. I think I'm going to transfer about 10,000 into my account to pay for surgery, hotel stay, and plane tickets. Then I should settle into normality by september with the 900 going into my account every month. *siiiiiighs* *END BORING MONEY STUFF*

And of course, there's my depression. It's always there, lurking in the shadows, right next to anxiety. They're both ready to pounce on me at any time. It's almost like the two of them are tigers. One day, they don't give a flying fuck about me and they leave me alone, and another day, I'm food. To be chewed up and spit out, I'm so worthless I don't even get to become part of something else. I'm not healthy for them, and they're not healthy for me. It's a lose-lose situation. Even if my counselor is trying to tell me that they're trying their best to protect me, in their own way.

Well, according to everyone else, I'm doing a lot better. And I suppose I am, my periods of deep depression are getting shorter and my lucidity is lasting a lot longer. But at the same time, my periods of depression are almost always more intense in feeling and accompanied by the urge to commit suicide. Guh. It sucks.

Good night. Time to sleep. 3:00 in the morning. :/

Comments

[enemyofperfect]

I think it's cool that you can look at having to relearn how to sing as a possibly good thing. :) I think baritone comes between tenor and bass, by the way. (I never really studied music theory either, I just have a mental file of random trivia that sometimes comes in handy.)

Playing the piano is definitely awesome, too! Do you already know how to, or is this more something you'll be starting? I tried to teach myself from a book, once; it didn't last very long, sadly. But maybe someday.

Depression and anxiety are no fun, and feeling suicidal definitely isn't, either. :/ What your counselor says about the "tigers" trying to protect you in their way is really interesting, though. Does it ring true for you?

[catharsis_logs]

I've always wanted to play the piano. I finally took a class at my local community college and discovered that I actually liked to play as well. (If only my depression/laziness didn't get in the way of me practicing.) I'm not so great, but I can passably play. And I can read music as well. (Which is a byproduct of my choir and clarinet days.)

Well, in the description of the depression 'protecting' me I find that the description of the two sides of my depression are better described as a zombie horde, and the Borg. (Yes, the Borg from Star Trek) The zombie horde wants me to stay where I am (As in, not transition, not go to college, just stagnate forever in my house), and the Borg just want me to kill myself.

My counselor has told me (and I've also realized for myself) that the Zombie horde is a protection against other people, and the harm that people could eventually do to me. They want me to stay and become one of the horde, or they want to eat me and assimilate me with them. (Which is interesting, I just realized that the Zombies would be better described as the Borg and vice versa but I'm going to keep it the way it is.) They want me to stay numb to everything/be hostile to everything else, because in the past, people have hurt me socially and personally and who's to say that they won't do so again? If I don't try, I don't get hurt. (of course, there's the possibility of soul-death, but the zombies don't really have souls so it doesn't matter too much to them.)

WARNING FOR SUICIDAL IDEATION
The Borg are the more intense version of the Zombies, in the sense that living hurts, so why not end it? If life has done nothing but disappoint and hurt me, why not go to another plane of existence and start fresh? Presumably the people in this alternate reality would also be different/nicer than people here have been to me.
END SUICIDAL IDEATION

In a tamer description, the Borg want me to kill myself to put me out of my misery.

So yes, the fact that parts of my personality that are the most negative, ARE trying to protect me in their own twisted way, does ring true for me. :) (If you want me to explain further I'm sure I can try.)

[enemyofperfect]

Oh, it's awesome that you can read music! I played clarinet for a couple of years, and I had a pretty decent ear, but reading music was never my strong suit. (Come to think of it, I might have kept playing, if it hadn't been for my own depression. Sigh.)

Your explanation about how the depressed side of you is -- in its own way -- trying to protect you makes sense, and is very interesting, thank you. :)

[catharsis_logs]

You're welcome. :)