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catharsis_logs I have to constantly suppress feelings of loneliness when I am at home and people I know are having fun with each other. 'People I know' because I'm not necessarily friends with them. (My sister's boyfriend's friends are staying over at our house and have been over for more than a month now. It's not very fun and I have the sneaking suspicion that I'm going to be moving out before they do and that kinda pisses me off a little tiny bit.)
I went to college freshman orientation yesterday which was fun but exhausting. Everyone was very nice even though I did get a sidelong look/sinking feeling when my dad referred to me as 'she'.
I think I'm more anxious about my dad being there during my surgery than I am about the surgery. We're going to be staying at this resort specifically for trans people recovering from surgery and I'm terrified that my dad is going to be impolite and/or misgender someone there. Although if he does gender them correctly I'll be peeved for an entirely different reason. That thing being jealousy. "Why can't he gender me correctly when he's perfectly fine with someone else." I suppose it'll be fine in the sense that he's known me as female my entire life up until now, and the people he'll be meeting at the resort (unless I lock him in our room) he'll only have known as male.
Something I also did recently was sign up to be an author on a LGBTQ tumblr blog for college freshmen. I hope I get accepted but I'm not getting my hopes up.
I went to college freshman orientation yesterday which was fun but exhausting. Everyone was very nice even though I did get a sidelong look/sinking feeling when my dad referred to me as 'she'.
I think I'm more anxious about my dad being there during my surgery than I am about the surgery. We're going to be staying at this resort specifically for trans people recovering from surgery and I'm terrified that my dad is going to be impolite and/or misgender someone there. Although if he does gender them correctly I'll be peeved for an entirely different reason. That thing being jealousy. "Why can't he gender me correctly when he's perfectly fine with someone else." I suppose it'll be fine in the sense that he's known me as female my entire life up until now, and the people he'll be meeting at the resort (unless I lock him in our room) he'll only have known as male.
Something I also did recently was sign up to be an author on a LGBTQ tumblr blog for college freshmen. I hope I get accepted but I'm not getting my hopes up.
no subject
Date: 2012-07-28 11:47 am (UTC)Anyway, though. *cough* You have my sympathies on the loneliness and anxiety. :/ Even if something is understandable, that doesn't mean it can't hurt. (Says the person who is currently taking a break from talking to their mother about trans stuff, because even when she's trying to understand, it's still just too painful.) And I can get feeling... I don't know, a little territorial, maybe, at the thought of other people making themselves at home in your home, not only while you're there, but after you've left for college, too.
I'm glad the orientation was fun as well as tiring, though! And somehow I failed to know that resorts like that existed -- that's so completely cool, that they do. (Or at least that one does.)
Congratulations on 100 entries, too! :D And luck on the tumblr thing?
no subject
Date: 2012-07-30 07:33 pm (UTC)I've actually been pretty okay lately. I think I'm on the 'good' part of the cycle of my cyclical depression so I'm bracing a little for impact against the 'bad' part, because it's probably just around the corner. :/ And yeah, territorial works.
Yeah, if I do get a position on the tumblr blog I might be either MORE active here, or LESS. If I think it's going to be less I'll give you a link to it? Either that or I'll double-post there and here. :)
How have you been lately?
no subject
Date: 2012-08-01 10:20 am (UTC)I'm glad you've been pretty okay in general! That's definitely better than being not-okay. Does your depression seem to follow any kind of predictable schedule, or is it more of an exciting, see-what-your-brain-chemistry-has-in-store-this-week kind of thing? :/
I've... been pretty okay too, lately, I guess! Thank you for asking! I mean, on the one hand, I've been having some pretty epically disordered sleep, which has a predictably detrimental effect on my emotional stability, and I'm approximately as overwhelmed by life as I ever am -- but on the other hand, I think maybe I am actually making strides when it comes to dealing with my emotions and interacting with other human beings. I still spend a lot of time feeling like I'm stuck on some kind of stomach-turning roller coaster, but that's an improvement over... I don't know, feeling like I'm in a moving vehicle that isn't going to swerve aside just in time to avoid crashing into the ground or any other hard, unyielding object? It's all still significantly more hair-raising than I would really like, but -- people do ride roller coasters voluntarily, sometimes. And I'm almost starting to feel like maybe I can handle this. Even if I'm not sure I could define what precisely I mean by "this".
I would love a link to the tumblr blog, if you do get in! Speaking of which -- I have barely dipped my toe into the ocean that is tumblr, but I hope I'm right in guessing that you don't mind if I follow you? I have a weird (?) hatred of reading things on my dashboard, so I'm not sure how much practical difference it's likely to make, but since I have started using my account a tiny (tiny) bit, it seemed like maybe I ought to make it official. :)
About the Surgery
Date: 2012-08-04 11:59 pm (UTC)I'm going to be losing something. Even if it's something I want to lose it's still going to leave a kind of hole in my life until I can get used to it. It's going to be really weird resting my hands on my chest (I sleep with my hands resting on my breasts) and have my hands sink down further on my chest than they have in ten years.
I also have this vision (I get these a lot and they're almost always worst-case scenarios that I go over again and again and again.) of the week after the surgery, when the surgeon takes off my bandages and unlike every video I've ever watched on the 'unveiling' of the new chest, instead of smiling widely and thanking my surgeon I worry that I'm just going to burst into tears and feel a sense of loss. (and hopefully a sense of a new part of my life beginning as well, but for a new part of life to begin, something has to end as well...)
I'm also worried about my dad being there as well. I'm worried that instead of being supportive and happy for me, he'll be as sad as I might be. I need someone to be happy for me and I don't think I'll get that from my dad, or my sister. I might get it from my best friend but not when I 'really' need it. I want someone to look at my new chest and smile widely for me, knowing that this is supposed to mean something good for me. I want someone to look at my chest and have hope for me, because I don't have a whole lot of hope and having someone hope for me might just cultivate some confidence for me.
I think the thing that hurts the most for me right now (going on a little tangent) is the fact that my dad doesn't believe that I'll ever 'find' someone that loves me. He worries for me in that regard but I wish that he'd never told me that that was what he thought and worried about. Because it makes me hurt on the inside, that my father is worried for my future happiness. (not just finding a significant other because to him, finding a significant other is part of life's happiness'. Which is actually kind of ironic because all of the significant others he's found have been abusive or neglectful in some way) Aren't fathers/parents (in an ideal world) supposed to believe that their child will have happiness? Aren't they supposed to believe in their children's ability to find happiness? I suppose I can't ask someone else to have faith in me, when I don't have faith in anything anymore. :/
So in going back to the surgery topic, I believe that my dad won't believe that this will be a new beginning for me. I'm worried that he thinks that this is just my next step to loneliness instead of a healthy life. In essence, I can't believe in myself because my father doesn't believe in me. That's kind of fucked up, and I need to get out of that way of thinking but it's kind of hard. I think I'm going through a second adolescence right now (in starting/having been on T for several months) and adolescents need people to be positive about them in order for the adolescent to have a healthy view of themselves. I never really got that as a girl adolescent and I don't think I'm getting that right now as a boy adolescent either. :(((
Re: About the Surgery
Date: 2012-08-06 10:44 am (UTC)What you've written here about how you're feeling and how you think things might go and how you wish they'd go... I'm sorry about all the ways this is hard for you, but I think even more than sympathy, my main reaction here is one of respect. With depression and anxiety, it can be pretty hard -- no, make that extremely hard -- to see past the very worst possibilities, and it sounds like you're dealing with some of that, but it also sounds like you're doing such a good job of not letting that be the whole story. All the reassurances and reality checks that I might want to give -- and that I know from experience can be so hard to think of when they're most needed -- you've already brought up yourself, basically. It sounds like, as painful as some of this is, you're in a really good place as far as taking care of yourself goes. I'm so happy about that!
And I'm so sorry about what your dad said about whether you'll "find someone". It's bad enough to worry about that personally, but to have somebody else say it--! Let alone your parent! It's good that he wants you to be happy, but ow. ._. Why would he even-- I'm sorry, I know he's your dad and probably he's doing his best and maybe you don't want to hear me criticize him, but just... I'm sorry.
I don't know, maybe he worries about it more because he's had trouble with relationships himself -- like, since his own experience suggests that finding the right person can be really hard? And it sounds like even though he wants to be supportive, he might not know a huge amount about trans issues (which I take it he's thinking of as part of the "problem", given your worries about how he'll see your top surgery, or am I wrong?), so maybe he doesn't know that trans people absolutely can and do find wonderful relationships? This is without even getting into the question of whether not having a romantic relationship necessarily makes someone's life an unhappy one...!
Anyway, it's really good that you're so clear on the support you'd like to be getting right now, but I'm still sorry if you aren't. :/ Part of adolescence (which does seem like a completely valid concept to apply here) is that things are changing and that can be scary just on its own, but another part is that it's maybe the busiest time in terms of identity creation -- in terms of deciding who you are -- that most people will experience in their lifetime, and it makes absolute sense that positive feedback from other people would be really important then. And not just in terms of affection and caring, but in terms of hope and belief, too. I think you're absolutely right about that.
For whatever it's worth, and in case it isn't already clear by now, I believe in you. When I first stumbled across your journal, I thought you seemed like somebody worth getting to know, and I was so completely not wrong about that. You are a very thoughtful and creative and intelligent and caring person, and I'm glad of those things, not just because they make you pretty awesome to talk to, but because those are all resources that are going to help you through whatever difficulties come your way. And I'm incredibly glad that you're fighting for yourself and what you need.
Re: About the Surgery
Date: 2012-08-09 03:30 am (UTC)I have to say, I actually teared up a little reading that you believed in me. I've been having a hard time believing in the good things people have to say about me, but as my counselor pointed out to me the other day, I was able to believe you. :) I dunno, I guess it helps to have someone who isn't family (or might as well be family) say those things. Because you're not required to say those things. Even telling myself about how much I 'rock' is hard for me because of the fact that people are supposed to think well of themselves. (Or at least think of themselves in a healthy way which I haven't really been doing in a long time, but have slowly started to get better at.)
More good news too, my depressive periods have been getting shorter and shorter. Which is kind of interesting to me because my counselor actually had to point it out. But just because she pointed it out didn't make it not true. I still have depressive thoughts, and shit like that, but I'm able to step away from them a little more easily these days. Now I just have to hope that going away to college doesn't tear down all of this hard work. (Which it shouldn't.) But I still have worries. I still worry about going out into the world. But I'm slowly building confidence. (really really slowly, but it's there) I actually think I saw my childhood bully the other day, and I was more indifferent than anything which was pretty damn amazing. There was a part of my brain that was screaming 'attack! Attttaaaaack!' but thankfully it was a small part as I didn't know for sure that the person I saw actually was my childhood bully. 0-0
I just have to say also (and I'm not required to say it either!) that you're a damn amazing person as well. :) Just the very fact that you're able to reach out to another person(me) and reassure them and make them feel better about themselves and just caring is really cool. I know part of my depression is shutting myself off from other people, and finding it hard to interact, much less make someone feel better. Kudos and respect to you for doing both of those things. <3 And it may seem like I'm regurgitating your compliments to me back at you, but the thing is they're true about you too. :D
Re: About the Surgery
Date: 2012-08-12 10:27 am (UTC)It's awesome that your periods of depression are getting shorter! My therapist has to point things like that out to me sometimes, too. (There's maybe a little more to point out, these days. Which is fun. :) It isn't, yeah, it definitely isn't like a magic switch, where one day everything's awful and the next day life is simple and carefree -- but that doesn't make the progress any less real. To the contrary, really.
I think probably college will present some challenges -- which it's supposed to, right? So you can grow? -- but I think there's every reason to believe that the progress you've made (and continue to make) will help you face those challenges with increasing awesomeness. And it's so cool that you handled (maybe) seeing your old bully so well!
Thank you, seriously, for the return compliments -- which, no, you didn't have to make, any more than I had to say anything nice about you, but which I do really appreciate. <3 This interacting thing really can be hard, can't it? But it turns out it's worth it sometimes.
about tumblr and you
Date: 2012-08-05 12:04 am (UTC)Yes! Handling 'this'! That's always good. :) And the whole sleeping thing, I can definitely understand. It's the reason I've been on sleeping pills for over five years now, lol. And yeah, roller coaster is definitely a good description of life for the chronically anxious. XD
Re: about tumblr and you
Date: 2012-08-06 10:52 am (UTC)And thank you for understanding about stress and sleep and everything. Somehow, I thought you might. :) My relationship to sleep is so much better than it used to be, but, well -- it's a work in progress, shall we say. Ahem.