I hope I find someone soon, because all of this waiting is making me sick

[catharsis_logs]

Dreams
I had a dream last night about a certain actor. It's funny, I'm not obsessed with Tom Hiddleston, I even skip over pictures of him on Tumblr. Sure I find him sorta attractive, but I'm not fantasizing about him all the time. I know full well what's out of my reach. Even though I have a habit of wanting what I can't have, I know when something just isn't to be. (This is about my best friend a little bit more than it is about Tom Hiddleston. I'm just having some weird comparisons.)

This was my first dream ever about 'obtaining' a celebrity. And as per my psyche's norm, it was full of drama. Tom Hiddleston isn't only the type of guy I'd like to have as a significant other (if he weren't an actor) but he's also the type of guy I'd like to be. So there were parallels of myself in my vision of Mr. Hiddleston.

What I think I found the most interesting about this dream, is that I got the distinct impression that Mr. Hiddleston was reading me as female, and my psyche was kind of not okay with that. When something seemed to be bothering the actor I asked and I quote: "I know you think I'm a girl, and that's why this question is okay to ask; what's wrong?" Or at least that's a very close approximation of what I said. The gratifying thing in this dream is that, while being read as female, I didn't just sink into femaleness. Even when it could have gotten me something I wanted badly (more best friend parallels) I refused to be who I wasn't. At least in my head. I might not have outwardly or forcibly insisted that I was not female, but my unconscious mind knew that I wasn't female. And that is so gratifying.

And yet at the same time as I knew I wasn't female, I was perfectly fine being put in the 'role' of the girl. I was fine with his arms around my shoulders, I was fine cuddling into him. (Note: This dream was not sexual, but I did have some downstairs movement going on. I think part of it was the not-being-able-to-have thing, and part omygoshthisisactuallyhappening kind of turned on, rather than sexual turned-on-ness. And as my body has continually proved despite all wishes otherwise, it takes control of when I'm turned on out of my hands. (As in, I get turned on when I don't want to be turned on and vice versa.)

So I think part of this dream was my unconscious realizing that I'm not a 'girl' anymore (if I ever was) and at the same time, becoming more comfortable with my 'female' side. (And really, being 5'1'' kind of excludes me from being the big spoon very comfortably with someone taller than I am. (And I haven't met very many people shorter than I am, that I'm actively attracted to, that's not really a conscious choice of mine, it's more that there aren't all that many people shorter than I am. This is especially true of guys, and when I see a guy shorter than I am I don't spend all that much time thinking about how hot or cute they are, and more time thinking, "That's a guy who's shorter than I am!!!1!" Sad, I know. )

Best Friend
It's interesting, knowing that your best friend is going to be there when you really really really need it, but exert nothing more. I thought we'd reached the point in our friendship where we were just comfortable with each other, and really, knew almost everything there is to know about each other. I'm finding that this no longer seems true. I feel like I'm in a stationary earthquake, where the earth isn't really shaking, it's just splitting into two and I'm watching her on the other side getting further and further away from me. Now, I could turn around and walk the length of the earth to reach her, but I can't make it all the way across, I need her to meet me halfway. I'm becoming more and more sure that if I make that trek and stand waiting at the center of the world that she'll never come.

Edit/Continued:
I dunno, I guess, I just feel like our friendship is dying. There's my regret that I didn't know what was going on with her kissing me and of COURSE there's the wish that she had never been on vicodin/had sex with her hubby(then underage not-hubby). But hey, what's done is done, I need to move on and I don't know why doing so is so hard when I've already accepted that fact. I don't know why, but I think that maybe it's partly me that's edging out of our friendship. Granted she isn't exactly helping with the moving-away part but still. I don't like the way I am when I'm around her/thinking of her. I get overly emotional (which normally isn't a problem, but I don't get to be around her for long enough to be able to be a weeping mess all of the time. Plus I don't want her thinking that I'm too high-maintentence.) And I get jealous and focus too much on past mistakes. That's a big problem that I have, moving on from dwelling on past events.

Comments

[enemyofperfect]

I don't know on a personal level what you're going through, with your friend -- not so much because I've never drifted away from anyone, as because I haven't really tended to get that close in the first place -- but I'm familiar with things not being easier just because you understand the necessity of them. :/ Part of me wants to ask if maybe your friendship could actually become healthier (rather than dying) as a result of your not being closer than is right for the two of you right now, but... I guess even if you did wind up with a happier and more stable relationship, that wouldn't keep it from hurting that it wasn't the way it once was, would it? I guess in a way, something is dying -- whether it's your entire friendship, or just one way of relating to her -- and it makes sense that there's a grieving process there. Or that's how my thoughts are going, anyway.

It's awesome that you were so solidly, comfortably yourself in your dream. <3