Doing a (little) bit better.

[catharsis_logs]

It's funny, this month has been so bad so far that it's almost hilarious. Last week was quite a bit better but I still had some crappy self-esteem problems. I don't think I had a day last week were I didn't cry and it still managed to be better than the week preceding.

On Tuesday I managed to trip down four steps onto my hands and knees while crying. (but trying to keep the tears in and avoid being seen in the face by anyone. So I'm walking down these stairs because they're the fastest way out of the building and I'm staring down at the steps and when I get about to the bottom I can't see shit because of said tears gathering in my eyes so I overstep and fall. I screwed up my joints a little bit and also got to call myself stupid because I fell on my wrists and a former Judo student should fall properly dammit. It's also always interesting to see the ways that my body can bend without breaking.) At least where I fell had carpeting and it wasn't solid concrete so it didn't hurt (me) as much as it could have.

This weekend so far has been nice, if totally unproductive and I find that I really don't want to go back to school for some reason. It's not even that it's that bad, it's just my threshold for emotional pain and what triggers me seems to have taken a gigantic nosedive. :/

Comments

[enemyofperfect]

I'm glad things have been a little better, but wow, I'm sorry they're still so hard.

I'm going to say this again, not at all to pressure you, but in case you need to hear it again: if there's ever any way I can help, drop me a line, okay? It's fine if you don't. But it's also fine if you do. It wouldn't be a bother. Promise.

[catharsis_logs]

Thank you for the extremely kind offer! However, I am notoriously shy about asking for help from people on the internet. If I feel supremely shitty (ex: suicidal-ish) I usually go to/call my dad, call my counselor, go to the QRC at my college or the suicide hotline. This isn't me saying I'll never contact you when I'm feeling supremely shitty or, even just to chat with a little more regularity than our comments here on DW. :)

Another reason is my poor self-esteem/guilt over everything. I'm usually at my worst after 10:00pm PST and that's usually when I assume everyone is asleep/it's quiet hours in my dorm.

[enemyofperfect]

I totally get it, and I'm really glad you have so much of a support system in meatspace. <3

About sleep, though, ahahaha. Given that I'm on Eastern time, wish I could say I'm usually in bed by 10 your time? In practice, though... yeah, it hardly even happens.

I would probably make a terrible vampire, given how squeamish I am, but I've pretty much got the hours down.