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catharsis_logsa. my best friend has a new boyfriend
b. my best friend's cousin 'knows' that I'm not really my best friend's best friend anymore.
c. 'my best friend' had to be reminded by my DEAD ABUSIVE MOTHER to spend time with me. THAT is so incredibly ironic it's really really really unbelievable.
d. 'my best friend' was kidnapped (fucking LITERALLY) last weekend on Sunday and I had to learn about it from said previous cousin.
e. her phone is gone so I have perhaps been texting these fucktard kidnappers FOR A WEEK.
f. I texted my best friend's boyfriend -because she doesn't have a phone for the MILLIONTH time- a (hopefully) really nice text message that explains how I REALLY want to keep this friendship even though we have probably LITERALLY nothing in common anymore besides a love of comics. (Which she can look down on me for because SHE'S been into comic books LONG before I ever was. -The statement in parentheses is really just a sign of my own self-esteem/recently realized codependency-)
g. In the car ride back to college I convinced myself that jealousy is not productive AT ALL, and that I need to just fucking ignore it or DESTROY IT if it ever comes up. Jealousy for basic human rights I WILL keep however.
h. I was intensely thirsty today, I go to subway, get the biggest drink and promptly spill said drink ALL OVER the lobby of my dorm and spend about 30 minutes cleaning it up. Never let it be said that I don't clean up after myself. Then my iPod beeped at me that my laundry was done and my back promptly cried out in despair.
i. Oh and I started my period today. Which semi-explains the complete EMOTIONAL UPHEAVAL of yesterday. I cannot remember so badly wanting to die before, it's scary as fuck. I called BJ vomited some of the emotions (not literally ew) up, and crammed it all inside again/calmed down a little.
Sometimes I feel like my emotions are clothes, and my body is a suitcase, and slowly the emotions are just piling on top of each other and getting bigger and bigger, and I'm just frantically sitting and jumping on my suitcase to keep all of the damn clothes from EXPLODING EVERYWHERE all over my room/life.
It kinda sucks, I wanna get in contact with her, but I don't necessarily want to talk with her on the phone. At this point, texts feel the best. She'll be distracted if I'm talking to her on the phone, her boyfriend will just ignore my texts on his phone, Facebook is too trivial, I don't even know where she LIVES anymore and randomly showing up would be just awkward. Goddammit. I don't know how to do this friend thing anymore...
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Date: 2013-02-27 08:55 am (UTC)Meanwhile: *hugs*
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Date: 2013-02-28 05:25 pm (UTC)Then there's the whole self-esteem/codependence thing of mine, in thinking because she doesn't call me to let me know that she's been kidnapped and that she's SAFE that she doesn't think I care anymore, or that I'm too 'crazy' to deal with her when she needs to go crazy. Or god, even telling me about her new boyfriend, does she think I'd be stupid-jealous and/or mean about it? I'm pretty much over that by now, I've made a semi-resolution to NOT BE JEALOUS anymore. Or at least to not express it outwardly in snappish behavior and sourness, and to change that jealousy into happiness for her.
Fuckit, I'm going on Facebook and messaging her. That's pretty much the only means of communication I have with her anymore, which sucks, but I'm gonna take it. Because she's on Facebook a lot, and if (when) she doesn't respond (or responds with only one word/an evasion) I'll do my best not to be hurt or frustrated. I might have to take a Xanax afterwards, but I'm gonna be fine. *deep breath*
--Oh, and it's always disheartening to be reminded that I need Xanax now, because if I'm having a panic attack and thinking about dying/feeling hopeless about everything I calm down pretty quick when the drug kicks in. It's sad that I have to take an anti-anxiety med to feel normal now, but I'll take what relief I can get. :/--
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Date: 2013-03-01 08:38 am (UTC)Insecurities like to come swarming in at the slightest opportunity, and I'd imagine that finding out about something this major and scary could constitute more than a slight opportunity. Of course, she's probably feeling far from her best, too. I'll be thinking good thoughts for both of you. <3
TEXT WALL AHEAD and/or WORD VOMIT
Date: 2013-03-03 03:09 am (UTC)It's interesting to realize that I can sometimes be an 'accidental' asshole. Sometimes I say something that could be taken the wrong way (like by Sam) and then they'll be angry with me, or SOUND angry with me, but don't TELL ME that they're angry with me. Then I'm sitting there for a while, trying to figure out if they really ARE angry with me, and then to try and figure out what I did wrong.
Sometimes I guess I say something weirdly that I personally wouldn't find offensive(term used loosely) but that totally gets on their nerves and/or hurts their feelings.
For example: I also get pretty uselessly descriptive when I'm critiquing someone's work and sometimes wander into the territory of 'too harsh'.
I commented (rather harshly, I do admit, but I didn't know I was REALLY bad) on a guy's poetry in the short story that he'd written and I *gulp* said that it felt unnecessarily juvenile and that I would have been drawn a lot more into the story if the poetry had actually been good. ... Big mistake. Turns out the guy's poetry hadn't been written for the story, the story had been written for the poetry. (he did say though that the poetry had been written a couple years previously, so that explains the... roughness of the poems but I know that if I'd used some of my poetry in my story I would have chosen my favorites and the ones that meant the most to me. *sighs* )
Of course, my BIGGEST mistake was not actually reading the story. lol... I didn't have the energy to read his story because the story before that I'd had to give up on reading because it was about an abusive situation and the one being abused died at the end at the hands of the abuser and I had to back up quick and take a Xanax if I wanted to not throw myself out the nearest window.
I did get the 'basic' gist of the story from my classmates as they were critiquing it, and one thing that they all focused on was the poetry, so I waved at someone next to me and they gave me their copy and I skimmed the poetry and some of the story and it turns out I LIKED what all my classmates were dissing and DISliked the actual poetry. *snorts*
Then the author turns to me at the end of class and asks me accusingly if I had even read the story. I shrugged apologetically and said no and then he told me that I had no right to comment on a story that I hadn't even read. (which I understood, but his tone really got to me for some reason. (I'm also on my period and affected and annoyed by the RANDOMEST shit) ) I then left the classroom and another of the students came up to me and said his favorite part of the entire class was me demolishing the guy's poetry! I was kind of agape, I didn't realize that I had been THAT bad. So I was a little shocked.
Then I went and talked to Tim, and I went over how I felt with him and he told me that I was probably the most honest one out of the entire class that day and that the author -maybe shouldn't have been grateful- that I was so -bluntly- honest but that he should maybe(?) have appreciated it.
Now I'm kinda scared for this dude to tear me a new asshole when he's critiquing my own work.
haha, sorry for the word-vomit. :)
Hey, it's a very nice wall of text! I like it.
Date: 2013-03-03 10:15 am (UTC)I guess one way to look at this situation is that at least you got a lot of feedback, from multiple people. Which, well, in your place I would have been so stressed out, heh! Conflict can be hard. But at least you weren't in any doubt as to how the author felt, I guess. Ahaha.