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catharsis_logs1. Got through April alive
2. Started a Twitter account that I'm pretty much compulsively updating (it's actually pretty cool to see the directions my mind takes me sometimes. It's really more of a thought-flow diary than anything else)
3. Midterm. (bleh, though I think I did okay, at least there weren't any essay questions...)
4. Misgendering EVERYWHERE. Whoo! *intense sarcasm* (getting real tired of it.
5. Moodswings up the yingyang. (I think I'm temporarily hormonally bipolar, need to call my hormone doc on monday and maybe up my dose/switch back to the shots. *shudders*
6. Having good conversations with people (besides angry gay dude that made me have a preeetty intense panic-attack. Him pointing a finger at me and saying "I'm not angry and/or targeting you with my anger" really didn't help.) ((Pointing fingers at a person with a history of psychological abuse and spouting some passive aggressive bullshit really isn't cool turns out!)) ->I just realized what was so triggering about that event.
7. I come home to spend time with my family. At home. It really isn't nice (to my screwed up head) on the day when I have the most time to spend with people, my dad leaves to go shoot pool in the middle of the day (when he isn't usually AWAKE) to go shoot pool for EIGHT hours. I call, he asks me if I'm 'checking up' on him YES I'M CALLING TO CHECK UP ON YOU, and then he says 'you could've come with me.' and I don't really respond to that but in my head I'm going 'play pool in a pool hall presumably full of guys/manly-men-ish for EIGHT HOURS?!' With possibly no gender-nutral bathrooms? Sorry, that isn't my idea of fun, it's my idea of intense anxiety.
8. Oh look, now I made myself upset. Dammit.
9. It's been a really intense end-of-month(april) and beginning-of-month(may), not to mention that I'm going to have to avoid social media/interaction with people who have mothers who are still alive and non-abusive. So two triggering months in a row! April was sexual assault awareness month, and May is apparently important to a lot of people and did I mention mother's day where everyone encourages everyone else to 'cherish their mothers', 'pamper your mother!', 'treat her like she deserves to be treated everyday!'. I feel like maybe walking around campus if I have to go out with a sign on my chest saying, "NO I DON'T CELEBRATE MOTHER'S DAY. 1: SHE'S DEAD and 2: SHE WAS ABUSIVE , not every mother is perfect!" and/or "DO NOT ASK ME/TALK TO ME ABOUT MY MOTHER."
2. Started a Twitter account that I'm pretty much compulsively updating (it's actually pretty cool to see the directions my mind takes me sometimes. It's really more of a thought-flow diary than anything else)
3. Midterm. (bleh, though I think I did okay, at least there weren't any essay questions...)
4. Misgendering EVERYWHERE. Whoo! *intense sarcasm* (getting real tired of it.
5. Moodswings up the yingyang. (I think I'm temporarily hormonally bipolar, need to call my hormone doc on monday and maybe up my dose/switch back to the shots. *shudders*
6. Having good conversations with people (besides angry gay dude that made me have a preeetty intense panic-attack. Him pointing a finger at me and saying "I'm not angry and/or targeting you with my anger" really didn't help.) ((Pointing fingers at a person with a history of psychological abuse and spouting some passive aggressive bullshit really isn't cool turns out!)) ->I just realized what was so triggering about that event.
7. I come home to spend time with my family. At home. It really isn't nice (to my screwed up head) on the day when I have the most time to spend with people, my dad leaves to go shoot pool in the middle of the day (when he isn't usually AWAKE) to go shoot pool for EIGHT hours. I call, he asks me if I'm 'checking up' on him YES I'M CALLING TO CHECK UP ON YOU, and then he says 'you could've come with me.' and I don't really respond to that but in my head I'm going 'play pool in a pool hall presumably full of guys/manly-men-ish for EIGHT HOURS?!' With possibly no gender-nutral bathrooms? Sorry, that isn't my idea of fun, it's my idea of intense anxiety.
8. Oh look, now I made myself upset. Dammit.
9. It's been a really intense end-of-month(april) and beginning-of-month(may), not to mention that I'm going to have to avoid social media/interaction with people who have mothers who are still alive and non-abusive. So two triggering months in a row! April was sexual assault awareness month, and May is apparently important to a lot of people and did I mention mother's day where everyone encourages everyone else to 'cherish their mothers', 'pamper your mother!', 'treat her like she deserves to be treated everyday!'. I feel like maybe walking around campus if I have to go out with a sign on my chest saying, "NO I DON'T CELEBRATE MOTHER'S DAY. 1: SHE'S DEAD and 2: SHE WAS ABUSIVE , not every mother is perfect!" and/or "DO NOT ASK ME/TALK TO ME ABOUT MY MOTHER."
no subject
Date: 2013-05-08 03:19 am (UTC)So here's to your getting through May, too. I don't know what it's like personally, but I know that for a lot of people with a parent who was abusive, these times of year can be hard. I wish people could remember that not everyone's parents are worth celebrating.