catharsis_logs | Attack of the random depression!

I don't know if this is a negative but- the negative of working on your self-esteem and inner-self hating, is that when you get depressed, you just get depressed, and there's no way to get it out. Also, it makes a lot less sense when you DO get depressed. (Though thinking about it, it isn't all that surprising, considering my body is literally falling apart around my bones. Or it at least feels that way.)

Also, I think I might be the only person assigned female at birth who worries about losing weight. Even though I'm overweight. I think what worries me is that the weightloss isn't intended.

It's just one pound below my 'healthy' weight which hovers between 129-131 pounds and it shouldn't worry me, but I've been feeling like shit lately, bad headaches, muscle aches, constantly hungry even after I eat. My poor paranoid brain is trying to convince me that I have a tapeworm. (lol) I'm getting back on T tomorrow (the shot) which might help a little in regulating my hormones(with any luck I won't go batshit insane) and I feel like I've been PMSing all day even though my STUPID FUCKING PERIOD JUST ENDED. GAH.

On the other end, I've been super productive, moving back home and stuff, unpacking and organizing and actually doing some writing and worrying about completing my incomplete in personal finance and I have a bigbang to write by september-ish. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm just incompatible with home. I'm thinking about finding a houseshare or something on the beach but that's just a side-thought and really vague. I've been feeling a need to go to ocean lately. It hasn't been helped by the fact that I'm generally happier near the ocean AND I've been using the coast as my place-to-go-to-in-my-head-when-I-get-anxious.

It's funny, but I miss the dorm. I miss the people. I like being home but... I'm not as alive here anymore. I don't think I've really been all that alive here, and that thought depresses me.

Angst out.