catharsis_logs | I just keep moping over her

I wonder sometimes if I'm really in love with her. I was moping earlier today, offline, in my bed, and just staring at the wall and I was wondering the same damn thing. I felt a surge of love for Noah, earlier as well, because I'm his uncle, and thinking of him as my nephew isn't all that hard. Such a shame that something so wonderful happening also had to break my heart.

Sometimes I feel like I blame Noah, for taking Samantha away from me. But I think I've finally gotten over that illogical way of thinking. The people I should be blaming are Samantha herself and Joseph. But hey, they're both consenting adults and they should be able to do what they want. (even if Samantha was impaired by Vicodin and Joseph was underage.)

Let's see, not blaming Noah, having uncle-ly love for my nephew having romantic love for my best friend, being willing to include Joseph (and maybe even tolerate him) if I can just have some part of Samantha's romantic love.

Samantha herself has stated to me that she's in love with Joseph, but I can't help thinking what would have happened if she hadn't gotten pregnant. Then again, I'm a cynic when it comes to love, so I always think people who aren't married (and even some who are) are going to eventually break up. That's what caused me to break up with Samantha in the first place, was because I was afraid that we would break up. And I'm sure now, we would have broken up, she would have found Joseph realized that he was her true love, and broken up with me, and I couldn't handle that eventuality. So I broke up with her.

And then (I'm repeating myself here I know) just recently, when she was dating Joseph or right before she met him, she kissed me, just really quickly. And I'm dying to know what that kiss meant. Just a friendly kiss (which I'm all for friendly kisses, but I'm just wondering if it meant something more...) or something more?

I think if I ever work up the courage, I'll ask her, someday. But I don't want to hurt her, so I don't think I can ask. Which breaks my heart all over again, because I'll never know what could have been. God, I need to find an asexual girlfriend or boyfriend. I just hope I don't disappoint my future partner by pining like an idiot over Samantha.