catharsis_logs | Passive Suicidality

My life has been the best it's been since I've started taking my anti-depressants. Maybe even better than. Now that I'm on T, I feel kind of like my life is moving forward and yet at the same time I feel just as stuck.

I don't see my life going anywhere. Which is kind of a big problem. I don't know how to move on from this present state, and my brain translates that urge into wanting to die. Because that's what my mind perceives as the 'next step'. I feel kind of like I've lived all the life I'm supposed to live and it's time for it to end now.

I don't feel like I'm strong enough for what's coming for me. I don't think I'm strong enough to live beyond my father, to see my sister move on with her life and beyond me, still stuck in neutral. Same for Samantha. Everyone's moving on with their lives and I'm just sitting here, left behind, not knowing how to get up off my ass and get on with my life.

I have to fight the urge to go downstairs right now, and taking all of the pills I own, choke on my own vomit, and die. Or to open my window and just dive headfirst off the edge.

I feel like, my life's so good right now, why not end it before it gets worse, before my father dies, or loses his memory, before Samantha forgets about me completely, before mama Fran and Bill die, before I lose the house, before I can't pay my bills, before I run out of money?

So yeah, passive suicidality. Sucks. Balls.