I feel like shit (TM)
Apr. 23rd, 2014 08:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logs I'm feeling lonely, and touchy and ignored. I don't know how to engage with a potential support network in the dorm because I tend to shy away from (willingly) showing emotion in front of people I am not absolutely close to (like family, my dad in particular) or someone that is not someone on the opposite end of a computer.
I get this curling ache in my chest, and my instinct is to curl in the fetal position or cry. Like I have a gaping wound and someone is constantly scratching at the scab. I feel like I'm hungry, I feel like I'm exhausted, I feel like (maybe) I'm highly energized. I drank a smoothie thing today that supposedly gives you vitamins and stuff and energizes you and whateves and I have to wonder, what if my body doesn't know what to DO with that energy? Like, I've been eating really badly recently, like, almost not at all. If you combined all that I ate in one day you could maybe call it one big meal. My appetite is waning a little bit, and then it gets like it did tonight, RAVENOUSLY, PAINFULLY hungry, like that gnawing feeling you get in your stomach when it wants food NOW dammit. Maybe the smoothie just woke up my stomach from hibernation.
I sometimes worry about developing a weird relationship to food, but I know that's probably like someone who thinks that they might be crazy, chances are, they aren't crazy and chances are I'll never develop a food disorder. It's really hard shit to balance everything on top of a depressed person's lack of motivation. I'll think "I need to eat more/healthier" or "I should work out" or "I should figure out what gives me pain" and then it ends up just not happening.
I feel like I'm in an in-between land. I want this term to be over NOW, but at the same time, when the term is over, chances are I won't be seeing some of my friends ever again because they'll be off to live their lives and be successful people (and sometimes I suspect I will never be one of them) and we'll lose touch because I'm crap at keeping touch with people. Though I hope I'll be getting better at it soon. UGH.
This is basically just a rant by me, you can ignore. Also I cried yesterday because I was dipping really bad on my shot and did I say this in the letter? I think I did, oh well. I'm gonna eat a subway sandwich now and hopefully find something to do that won't either make me mad or more sad or anxious. *sighs*
I get this curling ache in my chest, and my instinct is to curl in the fetal position or cry. Like I have a gaping wound and someone is constantly scratching at the scab. I feel like I'm hungry, I feel like I'm exhausted, I feel like (maybe) I'm highly energized. I drank a smoothie thing today that supposedly gives you vitamins and stuff and energizes you and whateves and I have to wonder, what if my body doesn't know what to DO with that energy? Like, I've been eating really badly recently, like, almost not at all. If you combined all that I ate in one day you could maybe call it one big meal. My appetite is waning a little bit, and then it gets like it did tonight, RAVENOUSLY, PAINFULLY hungry, like that gnawing feeling you get in your stomach when it wants food NOW dammit. Maybe the smoothie just woke up my stomach from hibernation.
I sometimes worry about developing a weird relationship to food, but I know that's probably like someone who thinks that they might be crazy, chances are, they aren't crazy and chances are I'll never develop a food disorder. It's really hard shit to balance everything on top of a depressed person's lack of motivation. I'll think "I need to eat more/healthier" or "I should work out" or "I should figure out what gives me pain" and then it ends up just not happening.
I feel like I'm in an in-between land. I want this term to be over NOW, but at the same time, when the term is over, chances are I won't be seeing some of my friends ever again because they'll be off to live their lives and be successful people (and sometimes I suspect I will never be one of them) and we'll lose touch because I'm crap at keeping touch with people. Though I hope I'll be getting better at it soon. UGH.
This is basically just a rant by me, you can ignore. Also I cried yesterday because I was dipping really bad on my shot and did I say this in the letter? I think I did, oh well. I'm gonna eat a subway sandwich now and hopefully find something to do that won't either make me mad or more sad or anxious. *sighs*
no subject
Date: 2014-04-24 07:12 am (UTC)Lately I've been feeling very tired, partly because I'm still not quite well and partly because I haven't been getting quite enough sleep. That's probably part of why I've been up and down emotionally somewhat, but I think partly it's also that emotions just really are tough to deal with -- especially when you bring other people into the mix.
no subject
Date: 2014-04-27 09:59 pm (UTC)Ugh, I know right? (about emotions + other people.) I've been really tired too lately. I think I've been oversleeping, but I'm just sleeping when I can because night-time is a trial right now with electrical noises in my room. I sleep better during the day because there's more noise to filter OUT the noise that happens at night (and during the day as well). Ugh. *sighs*
*high-fives for membership to the also-emotional club* :D