Scary

[catharsis_logs]

Triggery stuff below: discussion of fear-of-rape, vagina depression/anxiety, surgery and how the surgery will be done, lots of anxiety.

I cried a little bit last night thinking about the surgery. Not really crying, more like watery warm eyes aka: prelude to crying. I distracted myself by thinking of the tattoos that I want.

Oh, by the way, I have surgery in eight days and I haven't quite had the time to process it even though I've been planning this almost all year. It's just moving so fast and it's good, but also nerve-wracking.

It's a full hysterectomy. Takin' out the uterus and ovaries, but the surgery is gonna be performed in a way that will be extremely easy to recover from but that will also be incredibly triggering for me.

Psych tells me to focus on the good stuff, so I'll do that, but I think I also need to think a little bit about the bad stuff/process it.

Good stuff: NO MORE PERIODS EVAR. No having to worry about randomly starting my period, not having to worry as much about hormone upheaval. No worries about uterine or ovarian cancer (which I was already kinda at risk for because of my polycystic ovarian syndrom), my ovaries will stop HURTING because they won't be there anymore. (I've had pains that've doubled me over before) This surgery will be out of the way, I won't have to worry about it ever again. Less testosterone, plus less variability of hormone levels (hopefully)

Bad stuff: (really just fears and anxieties) Before I talk about my 'worries' I have to say how the surgery is gonna go and why it triggers me so bad. What my surgeon is basically gonna do is make a small incision inside my vagina and then putting in a scope and cutting and pulling stuff out that way. This is incredibly triggering to me because I don't trust doctors all that much, ESPECIALLY with that area. I have a fear of rape and being unconscious with someone digging around in my vagina sounds like rape (to my stupid psyche) no matter how many papers I sign.

I've been worried for a while before that I have suppressed memories around something that might or might not have happened in my past. I'm worried that the pain after the surgery and the knowledge of where the doctor has been will be enough to trigger memories I don't want to remember IF they're actually there.

- Worried about something going wrong and my clitoris being fucked up somehow.
- Worried about being triggered and feeling extremely vulnerable.
- Worried about my bladder getting fucked up somehow.
- Worried about staying in the hospital.
- Worried about recovery.
- Worried about hormones.

Ugh.

Comments

[enemyofperfect]

Oh my gosh, I agreed with your cut text and that was before I clicked. I never did go back and comment more on the post where you mentioned that this was in the future for you, did I?

Basically, lots of sympathy on the stress and worry, even though I 100% believe you that this is a good thing. Speaking as someone whose period started today, an end to all of that sounds beyond amazing, but I really empathize with your concerns both about your comfort level with the procedure and about unintended physical stuff that could conceivably happen.

And oh do I hear you about needing to process the bad stuff some before you can work on concentrating on the good.

I... haha yeah, you should let me know if it would help to hear about someone else's worries/feelings about vaguely related things, because otherwise my brain doesn't seem to feel like sharing. But hey, something else you should also totally do if it'd help: tell me about those tattoos you'd like! I'm always kind of admiring of people with tattoos, because I can't see myself ever committing to one, but they can be so awesome.

Also, here is a possibly entirely unuseful thought, which you should throw away and maybe stomp on if it doesn't help, but just in case it does: You could tell yourself that even if there is something to remember and even if you do remember it, your mind -- which in this hypothetical scenario has protected you from some awful memories for this long -- won't let that happen unless you're ready to handle it. It'd probably be completely and utterly shitty to deal with even so, don't get me wrong -- in no universe would it be fun. But maybe, if it did happen, it would be because you were tough enough to make it through by now.

And you know, you really are pretty strong in a lot of ways, so I think no matter how things go, you'll get through this.

[catharsis_logs]

Ugh, periods suck. I basically had my (almost)last major breakdown over my last period. Screaming and sobbing in the bathroom and everything. (I'd already had a bad day though, so this was the shit topping on an already shitty sundae.

I would actually really like to hear your 'worries/feelings about vaguely related things' if you're willing to share and it won't be too triggering. :)

I have a tattoo that I got winter 2012 when I was feeling suicidal and really depressed. It's a crappy tattoo(artistically), and I'm kinda mad that I allowed the tattooist to get away with doing the tattoo the way I didn't want it done. It's basically text down the underside of my left arm over the vein(tw: basically where I would cut if I wanted to attempt suicide with a knife) and at the top there is 'LIFE' underlined and below that are the words in descending order: 'courage, love, respect, kind, sweet, loyal, family, happy, energy, light, dream, peace'. Those are all the things that I already have in my life and cherish as well as good personal descriptors of me. It's both a reminder as well as a guilt trip because if I (trigger warning) tried to attempt suicide with a knife, I would have to cut through and destroy those words, in essence, destroying what good things I have in my life.

So yeah. The only tattoos I'm ever gonna have are ones that have a story behind them and mean something to me.

For example in the story/meaning department my next tattoo will be an anatomical heart outline with minimalistic details (not a lot of shading) and inked in red, on my left forearm. It's gonna have the words "IT'S OKAY" on the bottom of the heart facing me (the heart is gonna face me too, so the bottom is gonna be towards my upper arm) and on the top of the heart is gonna be "IT'S OKAY" too, to remind myself and others that IT'S OKAY to wear my/our heart/s on my/our sleeve/s.

Others that I've thought of are a tattoo of a spine down my back in the shape of my scoliosis and wing sleeves, where they're on my back and stretch over my upper arms where a teeshirt sleeve would lie. (because for some reason I feel ridiculously exposed when they're bare. It has a lot to do with 'hiding' myself in sweatshirts all the time, the more clothes I have on the safer I feel sometimes.) They would also be my favorite pastel colors, green, purple, and red. :)

And yeah, not stomping on your advice at all. It's a good thing/reminder to keep in mind. <3 Thanks.

Thanks!~ *hugs*

[enemyofperfect]

Oh wow, your tattoo. That is strong stuff. And I love the idea of the one you want to get next -- well, and of all of them, actually. <3

I kind of live in sweatshirts, honestly -- even in summer, if I possibly can. These days I'd almost like to show off my arms, if I could find the nerve, but since typically the most I've got flattening my chest is a sports bra, I'm pretty into layers.

But yeah, so, vaguely related things! It's a little taxing to talk about -- or to talk about it honestly; I used to be be pretty great about being glib about stuff that was secretly a pretty huge deal for me, but when I'm actually trying to get it right, it's harder -- but mostly I'm just going through a phase of worrying that I'm oversharing. I will reassure myself with the reminder that other people can skim and disregard my comments at will. And especially feel free to skip the rest of this comment entirely if you've moved on to a place where you'd rather not dwell on this stuff, but -- okay, so anyway!

On the topic of fear of rape and being triggered by sensations.

I used to use washable pads during my period, but for the past year I've mostly used a menstrual cup with just a liner for backup, and sometimes I almost wish I hadn't started, because the thing is, 97% of the time it's so much nicer than the pads (I honestly forget it's even there) that it's hard to imagine going back, but both insertion and removal are pretty up-close-and-personal experiences, so to speak, and I'm... really not the biggest fan of that. (I gather that tampons are easier in that regard, but given how much I used to drag my heels about changing pads and how often I do forget the cup, I've always figured I'd be at huge risk for toxic shock syndrome, so I've steered clear.) The thing that's been hardest for me is that sometimes it'll be tricky enough to get the cup properly in place that afterwards -- it isn't even that it particularly hurts, but I'm just kind of aware afterwards, on a physical level, that something happened in that area. And that isn't a comfortable awareness for me.

I don't know what your concern about suppressed memories might be based on (and you're under less than no obligation to say!), but from time to time I've wondered if maybe something happened to me at some point, based on nothing more than how strong my feelings are on some subjects. (I feel both less weird about wondering this and more generally self-conscious given that I've actually been asked if I was a survivor because of how emotional I get when I argue against victim-blaming.) In my case, I tend to figure that if anything did happen, I'll never know, and it's perfectly plausible that how I feel is nothing more than a reaction to growing up female-assigned and surrounded by rape culture, so I might as well go on assuming that. (At this point I will pause to emphasize that right now I am talking about myself, and only about myself.) But although I don't have a concrete explanation for why I sometimes end up feeling agitated and unsafe because of a little silicone cup and my own freely chosen actions, sometimes I do feel that way, and, you know, that's lousy.

Yesterday I ran across an article saying pelvic exams might not be worth it in many cases, because they're stressful enough while doing little enough good that it might work out better just to let people bring it up if they notice a problem. This made me laugh kind of hysterically, because I'm so super afraid of them that I have dodged doctors for years, even when I really should have gone, to avoid ever having one. I guess it's nice to know I'm not totally alone? But it would probably be nicer to feel a little less terrified, because I am trying very hard to convince myself to make an appointment sometime in the foreseeable future, and it is challenging.

So, that is my ramble about some sort of related things that I'm dealing with.

Also, and in conclusion: *hugs*

Trigger stuff: child abuse shit

[catharsis_logs]

For me, the stress of periods is really starting them at all. Each new period was a fresh reminder that my body is a betrayer. Every feeling of wetness in my underwear or abdominal cramps was a rush to the nearest bathroom while pleading under my breath. Every period was a betrayal.

(icky period tmi talk ahead) the bad parts of my actual periods was the pain and the amount of blood. The blood was sorta fascinating but my periods were so heavy that sometimes I could stand up and feel the blood seeping into my pad and that's just gross (to me) and it made me feel disgusting. Personally, I always stuck with pads, because there was no way I was gonna stick something up there and then walk around feeling it in there. That was just too much. The diaper sensation of the pads was already bad enough.

Plus every period was a constant reminder that I have(soon to be had!) these organs that I have absolutely no plans to use. To me, these organs are/were about as useful as I understand my appendix to be. (ie: useless)

!!! I don't know about pelvic exams, but I have been told by my nurse (who is a fertility specialist + a midwife + probably knows her shit) that I didn't have to have a pap smear until I was sexual active, and since I wasn't sexually active, I didn't need to have a pap smear. She did (I think?) say that nearing twenty-five (and I don't think I know how old your are?) years old I would need to have one. (which brings up whole new disturbing questions about why my mom thought it would be appropriate to take me to the hospital and make me get one when I had pain/itchiness 'down there'. It was a yeast infection, but they did some looking and probing that I don't THINK they needed to do. (I was ten, it was horrible)

Please don't read past this point if you don't want to. A repeat of your 'dwelling' comment.
TW: talk of child abuse, physical and mental
-


(about the memories/lack of) I sometimes worry that something happened when I was a kid (it might have been that pap smear I just told you about, but I worry.) I knew what rape was from a young age, I knew what could happen to a little girl alone with a strange man and I don't remember where I learned that. My mom might have just been psychologically abusing me beyond what I already thought (I doubt that she raped me, because though her mother was sexually abusive to her, I know that somewhere in a little corner of my mom's mind, she loved me, maybe. I think me and her are enough the same to at least resist abusing our children in the worst ways she/I was abused. It's one of those things that's too horrifying to even really comprehend or suspect.) she could be poisonous with her words and she had a good scapegoat reason to talk like that because I had self-soothing behaviors but she never hit me. She was just emotionally and psychologically abusive.)

The thing that worries me is that large swaths of my memories of childhood below age 7 or 8 are just gone and I don't know how much of that is normal. I have singular memories from those years, but it's all mashed up together in this non-linear mess.

And, I'm done talking about this because it's making me think about stuff I don't really want to think about and I don't think you want to read about.

mostly just periods and pap smears (and related feelings) in this comment

[enemyofperfect]

Yesss, I have had my share of hating the mere fact of periods, I think. Before I started on pads, I spent some four or five years making do with folded toilet paper, trying to pretend it wasn't happening at all. (Then I bled through my clothing -- and sheets -- and had to give up on that.) I am, possibly perforce, pretty philosophical about it now, and it did cheer me a lot to read that menstruation can be viewed more or less as the body's way of preserving for as long as possible the option of terminating any given pregnancy, but yeah, it's a bit worse than uselessness, when it's an entire organ system I would actively prefer to be without.

Oh my hollow laughter about preferring to stick to pads, though. I mean: I don't blame you. At all. My reasoning was, like, maybe ten percent having heard that they were super convenient, and then ninety percent hardcore desensitization therapy to try to get to a point where I could stand a chance of getting through a routine physical without intense psychological trauma. And at first it seemed like I was doing so well! And I actually genuinely cannot feel it at all when I'm going about my day, so in that respect it's great. But... let's just say it's kind of a rocky process.

Congratulations on your upcoming escape from all this, yeah? I mean it.

I'd heard that too about pap smears! But sadly, I'm a bit past my due date for one, sexual activity or no. (In my case, it's a no.) Hence the *gloomy handwave* general sense that it'd be good to get my shit together if I could manage it.

I am so sorry about your horrible experience when you were ten -- I mean, that's my nightmare now, let alone when I was that young.

I won't pursue the last part of your comment since you said it was leading you down a road you didn't want to follow, but you have my sympathy, and if you ever did want to talk -- sometimes I don't know what to say, but I'll pretty much always be willing to listen. (Like you say below, there's no pressure in that. Some things don't need talking about, and some listeners aren't what's needed for a certain thing. I just wanted you to know.)

Hey you,

[catharsis_logs]

About your unwillingness or fear of over-sharing. And this isn't an insistence at all, you can ignore my comments here completely if it doesn't help you.

I consider us friends at this point. You're probably the closest friend I have right now who I can share heavy shit with. And I'm at this point where I feel that I've been talking about myself too much and not hearing about you as much as I would like.

I feel really honored to read what you have to share in your previous comment it makes me feel like there's an actual back-and-forth where we're learning about each other and it isn't too one-sided.

I guess, I wanna be able to reassure you sometimes. To let you know that I am willing to listen at all times to you. To try to help or even to just listen. To help you the ways you have helped me, simply by interacting with me. Honestly it's amazing to me that you comment most of the time on my stuff when I post it and it makes me feel really happy, and not alone, and like someone out there cares and kinda shows concretely that they care. (by commenting)

I guess what I wanna say is that I really appreciate you a lot, and like you and that I'm willing to hear stuff from you and it would never be over-sharing. (And at the same time, you shouldn't feel pressured to share, this is just me saying that I'm willing to hear anything. And I want to learn more about you and what you think and like and dislike and stuff. :) )

Sorry if awkward. And please ask me questions about this if you have questions. Sometimes I realize that I can say stuff that can be interpreted weird and so if anything I say here bothers you at all, please feel free to let me know.

*hugs* Thank you so much for sharing and for being here with me.

not awkward but AWESOME

[enemyofperfect]

*HUGS YOU* See, the way I reason this out from my point of view -- to the extent that I'm reasoning at all; expect a PM from me about a less reasonable thing that's been chewing on my brain -- is that most of our conversations take place in your space, on your journal, you know? Which, okay, is because you post more than I do and post about personal stuff a lot more, because you're brave like that, but that's where some of my thinking is coming from -- that because of the context we're usually in, it makes sense for our conversations to stay a little more about you. It is not that I don't trust you or don't want to talk to you, not at allll. Although maybe it is slightly that to me my life is more boring. :P

But I will try to remember what you say here. I feel like possibly I've said that before; I guess sometimes learning is hard? But what you said about just interacting with you being a help -- that goes both ways. Already, I mean. That really goes both ways. And oh my gosh we are so friends, I feel honored that you see me that way and you are possibly soon going to regret the offer to listen when I send you the longest PM in the history of PMs, but I hope not too much, because I <3 you.

Also, one of the things I really really heart? Is that you can, I don't know, you can say stuff like this -- that it's okay if we can't just magically intuit everything about what kinds of conversations we want to have, because we can actually talk about it. Or... at least you can; right now I'm feeling pretty flailyhands about... I don't know, most of human interaction. HOW DOES IT WORK.

But like -- you've got the surgery coming up, right? So it's okay if now turns out not to be the best time for me to experiment with talking your ear off. But thank you so much just for caring and reminding me that you are, in general, willing to listen. I was already valuing this conversation -- and, I mean, our conversation the other week about cookie spread, and -- I value our conversations, plural -- but thank you for this comment. Among many other things.