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catharsis_logsI've decided to pretend that I'm gonna die at any moment, or like I have a terminal illness or something and I only have a certain amount of time to live.
I've decided to do this so that I can focus more on what I would like to do or become before I die. (as well as figuring out who I am at a perhaps greater speed then I have been.)
I like to think that this will work on helping with my depression and insecurity because if I'm gonna die then I have no time for caring about what other people think about me and my choices (especially surrounding fashion). I want to get certain things done in a certain amount of time.
I'm hoping that this will help with my procrastination as well. And helping me to take better care of my body because the better the care I take with myself, my diet, my exercise, my body, the longer my date to die will be prolonged.
I'm hoping (weirdly) that this will help with my anxiety too. So I can go outside at night, because if I get mugged or attacked (and let's be real here, those things probably won't happen, because I'm willing to fight and fight dirty to survive any attack) then I'll defend myself because I don't want to be cheated out of the time I have left.
But now I'm exhausted.
Oh, and driving back to my school I get the feeling that lightning hit really close to my car, and either hit my car, because I heard the lightning strike. I didn't hear thunder, but I heard the *pop* of the lightning.
I've decided to do this so that I can focus more on what I would like to do or become before I die. (as well as figuring out who I am at a perhaps greater speed then I have been.)
I like to think that this will work on helping with my depression and insecurity because if I'm gonna die then I have no time for caring about what other people think about me and my choices (especially surrounding fashion). I want to get certain things done in a certain amount of time.
I'm hoping that this will help with my procrastination as well. And helping me to take better care of my body because the better the care I take with myself, my diet, my exercise, my body, the longer my date to die will be prolonged.
I'm hoping (weirdly) that this will help with my anxiety too. So I can go outside at night, because if I get mugged or attacked (and let's be real here, those things probably won't happen, because I'm willing to fight and fight dirty to survive any attack) then I'll defend myself because I don't want to be cheated out of the time I have left.
But now I'm exhausted.
Oh, and driving back to my school I get the feeling that lightning hit really close to my car, and either hit my car, because I heard the lightning strike. I didn't hear thunder, but I heard the *pop* of the lightning.
no subject
Date: 2014-11-25 01:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-11-26 09:14 am (UTC)My new therapist-person has told me that she's pretty sure I have PTSD and major depressive disorder (I don't know about major) But it's interesting because she's had me lay out goals and also told me about the treatment plan that we're going to be going to do (which is more and farther than any of my others had done) which is a good sign. And I might or might not be doing a self-esteem diary.
I'm also getting really pretty close to this person AD at my school, they're pretty awesome, and it makes me realize (kinda sadly) that (besides internet people aka: you) I haven't really had a 'real' friend for a while. Or at least someone (again, who was excited to hang out with me and who talks to me about stuff and who listens when I have to say something as well.
How have you been recently? You gonna be doing anything for Thanksgiving? how was your Halloween?
*hugs enthusiastically back*
no subject
Date: 2014-11-28 09:37 am (UTC)*HUGS you* I'm glad you're getting close to somebody in person. The internet is an awesome place, but for most people there are at least a few needs it can't meet, I think.
*flops* OMG, how I've been doing, though. I keep thinking vaguely that I should post and then not actually doing it. The biggest news is that as of two weeks ago, I'm on my first-ever antidepressant, which is awesome, although so far my mood is still decidedly non-awesome. It's escitalopram aka generic lexapro, which is supposed to be good for anxiety as well as depression, and it's really interesting: I think maybe it's already helping with the anxiety while leaving the depression mostly untouched, which is making me realize both that I basically have never felt depression without anxiety -- and that I was kind of using my anxiety to help counter the depression in some ways. At least, that's my best interpretation of where my head has been this past week. With any luck, it'll end up helping with the depression too, but until then, it's kind of weird.
My Thanksgiving this year was very quiet, it was so nice! I could have accepted an invitation from some relatives, but since my immediate family is scattered over a few different cities this week, I decided to stay home for festivities consisting mostly of shoveling a little snow, eating leftovers, and watching Elementary. It's been pretty great, in all honesty. My Halloween was similarly low-key -- but I know you had some potential plans for the day, how was yours? And your Thanksgiving? (Apologies if you've said on Tumblr and I missed it, I am the worst at keeping up with that site.)