the feels!~
Mar. 28th, 2012 10:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logsI am slowly falling out of love/into hate with Samantha. It's kind of a weird understanding now, I want to hate, but I don't seem able to. Not her anyways. We've had too many good times for me to hate her completely and honestly, she's too sweet of a person to hate. I can understand why she isn't the person she used to be, she's changed, we've all changed over the years. She's got a fucking baby and a fucking husband and yes, that's changed her, probably for the better in her view, but not in her attitude towards me. Hell, I've turned into a fucking (dramatic) man.
I think it's time for me to stop trying. It's time to let this friendship slowly die, like what Samantha probably wants. I've become 'inconvenient', my company is measure of convenience and what they can handle today/for a week. I understand, I'm a pretty complicated dramatic person, but I can't have a friend that's only halfway there for me. I need to get some distance so that I can purge her out of my system. (to put it dramatically) She's become a poison to my body. I just can't live with the love I have for her that she doesn't return. I need to focus my attentions on Kris, who IS there for me, so that I can stop thinking about Samantha. It's sort of like a bad breakup. I'm tired of being disappointed. We've lost what we used to be, what used to be comfortable silence (at least for me) has become stifled and full of regret and sadness.
I'll be the Sleeping Prince. I'll 'sleep' for eighteen years, only responding when Samantha wants to communicate, I'll try to be there for her when she needs me (if she ever needs me again.) but I can't keep reaching out and being shoved forcibly back. My heart can't take that kind of disappointment and hurt. So I'll wait until Noah is eighteen, and then I might just reach out. Maybe. If our friendship hasn't completely died by then due to my lack of communication. I won't push anymore, I'll be the 'convenient' friend, silent and only be there when Samantha wants me there. Fuck her, fuck me, I can't do this anymore. I think I'm going to try and write her a letter. I think I need to do that, just get this waiting over with. Kill this friendship if it needs killing, absorbing the pain that comes from an abrupt loss, rather than dying by portions over the years. I need to move on, start MY life, and I don't think Samantha fits into that life.
I think it's time for me to stop trying. It's time to let this friendship slowly die, like what Samantha probably wants. I've become 'inconvenient', my company is measure of convenience and what they can handle today/for a week. I understand, I'm a pretty complicated dramatic person, but I can't have a friend that's only halfway there for me. I need to get some distance so that I can purge her out of my system. (to put it dramatically) She's become a poison to my body. I just can't live with the love I have for her that she doesn't return. I need to focus my attentions on Kris, who IS there for me, so that I can stop thinking about Samantha. It's sort of like a bad breakup. I'm tired of being disappointed. We've lost what we used to be, what used to be comfortable silence (at least for me) has become stifled and full of regret and sadness.
I'll be the Sleeping Prince. I'll 'sleep' for eighteen years, only responding when Samantha wants to communicate, I'll try to be there for her when she needs me (if she ever needs me again.) but I can't keep reaching out and being shoved forcibly back. My heart can't take that kind of disappointment and hurt. So I'll wait until Noah is eighteen, and then I might just reach out. Maybe. If our friendship hasn't completely died by then due to my lack of communication. I won't push anymore, I'll be the 'convenient' friend, silent and only be there when Samantha wants me there. Fuck her, fuck me, I can't do this anymore. I think I'm going to try and write her a letter. I think I need to do that, just get this waiting over with. Kill this friendship if it needs killing, absorbing the pain that comes from an abrupt loss, rather than dying by portions over the years. I need to move on, start MY life, and I don't think Samantha fits into that life.
