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catharsis_logsMedical stuff first I guess. I have a learning disability in math. My IQ score is uninterpretable because I'm too far beyond the mean? Basically I'm so high in one area (verbal stuff, no surprise) over everything else that they cannot get an accurate score. Also I have some difficulties with that, because I'm so high in one area I tend to think that everything else is actually lower than it is. So for instance, if I'm 'average' in an area, I tend to think that I'm 'below average' in that area just because I'm used to performing at a certain level especially if it has anything to do with language. I'm also a little bit slow at processing new information and retaining that information.
I have sleep apnea. It's better when I'm on my side because I only stop breathing 14 times per hour but when I'm on my back I stop breathing anywhere between 35 and 45 times per hour. So I have a CPAP now and it's been honestly working miracles so far... even if sometimes I don't use it when I should *cough*last night*cough*.
I have osteoarthritis starting up in the base of my spine... which is something to look forward to I guess, but I definitely feel it when the weather changes, especially if it gets cold suddenly, or if there's a storm of some kind.
I also have myofascial pain syndrome... which also sucks. But at least I can legitimately say that I have chronic pain now (I say legitimately slightly sarcastically because now I have a DOCTOR(tm) saying that I do).
I'm getting a widow's peak that I'm praying doesn't go any further and recently I had a cis dude (rude asshole but still) tell me that he was jealous of my beard growth and complained about how he couldn't grow a beard (this dude is enough of a weird sexist asshole that I was cynically wondering in my head 'what would you think if you knew I had a vagina?'). So I have a full beard too.
My therapist also kind of thinks that I'm in partial remission depression wise, which, I can kinda see. I'm more motivated to do things, yeah I have feelings of hopelessness and sadness but not nearly as often as I used to, I am more consistently happy than I used to be and I also have more energy (thanks in big part to the treatment of my sleep apnea). My last super depressive episode was December 2016 where I basically spent the whole month in my bed sleeping and reading fanfiction and not doing anything else with extreme anhedonia.
Lately though (I think because I don't have school to distract me as much) I've been having some depressive feelings rearing their heads as well as fears surrounding connections to other people. Sometimes I get the repetitive thought in my head that other people are other people and spend their lives in their heads just like I do and that can be either good or bad depending on my mental chemistry at the moment. I never think other people aren't people, I rationally know that others are others and they live lives just like mine, but occasionally there is a jarring feeling. Sometimes it's super cool to have that realization, like when I'm driving on the highway at night and I know all the headlights I see have at least one person behind them and sometimes it's super unsettling, like seeing unfriendly looking people walking around walmart. Also the news lately is... really dire, and there's not a whole lot I can do about it which sends feelings of helplessness and frustration down the line too.
Also in a true sense of irony, I was recently thinking of my childhood friend and how much more successful of an adult she is(was) than me and then today I hear from her sister that she has had a mental break, possible schizophrenia rearing its head, gotten into two bad car crashes, given up custody of her two children, moved alone to a studio apartment(I think she's alone, I don't know what happened to her girlfriend) and now burlesque dances, all of which I heard through her sister, who heard it herself from my friend's ex. Neither me nor her sister have hear from her in around a year and all of this seems to have happened in the last three months. Her family has been completely out of the loop (which, understandable), so they hadn't even known she'd been broken up with her ex for three years, that she came out as a lesbian, etc. So a part of me that is truly and incredibly petty is like "I'm not the only one struggling!" And at the same time I am also extremely worried about her, but I also don't feel like it's my place anymore. I reached out once and never got a reply and now how am I supposed to reach out to help if the only reason I know any of this has happened is through family gossip. I might say something like: hey, I've heard you've been having a rough time, and I'm a good listener if you want to unload but also like, she's not a part of my life anymore and I'm not a part of her life anymore. Also I'm slightly scared, because her giving up custody of her children probably means that she doesn't think her children are safe around her. She loves those kids, that's what she's always expressed to me and what I got from her, but I also don't really feel like I know her that well anymore.
All of this is just reinforcing my stay-at-home away-from-the-world tendencies or at least doing that for as long as I can get away with it because both of my closest real-life friends have had some truly horrible things happen to them and I feel like the only reason I haven't had more shitty things happening to me is that I stay pretty close to home base and keep mostly to myself. I don't shit-talk people in my community, I try not to stir up drama (though I will snitch on innapropriate behavior, like I did to jealous-of-my-beard dude who did something unrelated that I felt needed some kind of precedent set just in case something really bad happened). I'm a good listener, mostly friendly and I keep my head down. I've also gotten pretty good at getting help when I feel that I need it, and not staying in an uncomfortable situation (which is harder to do with my family, but still). *sigh*
Thanks for reading! <3
I have sleep apnea. It's better when I'm on my side because I only stop breathing 14 times per hour but when I'm on my back I stop breathing anywhere between 35 and 45 times per hour. So I have a CPAP now and it's been honestly working miracles so far... even if sometimes I don't use it when I should *cough*last night*cough*.
I have osteoarthritis starting up in the base of my spine... which is something to look forward to I guess, but I definitely feel it when the weather changes, especially if it gets cold suddenly, or if there's a storm of some kind.
I also have myofascial pain syndrome... which also sucks. But at least I can legitimately say that I have chronic pain now (I say legitimately slightly sarcastically because now I have a DOCTOR(tm) saying that I do).
I'm getting a widow's peak that I'm praying doesn't go any further and recently I had a cis dude (rude asshole but still) tell me that he was jealous of my beard growth and complained about how he couldn't grow a beard (this dude is enough of a weird sexist asshole that I was cynically wondering in my head 'what would you think if you knew I had a vagina?'). So I have a full beard too.
My therapist also kind of thinks that I'm in partial remission depression wise, which, I can kinda see. I'm more motivated to do things, yeah I have feelings of hopelessness and sadness but not nearly as often as I used to, I am more consistently happy than I used to be and I also have more energy (thanks in big part to the treatment of my sleep apnea). My last super depressive episode was December 2016 where I basically spent the whole month in my bed sleeping and reading fanfiction and not doing anything else with extreme anhedonia.
Lately though (I think because I don't have school to distract me as much) I've been having some depressive feelings rearing their heads as well as fears surrounding connections to other people. Sometimes I get the repetitive thought in my head that other people are other people and spend their lives in their heads just like I do and that can be either good or bad depending on my mental chemistry at the moment. I never think other people aren't people, I rationally know that others are others and they live lives just like mine, but occasionally there is a jarring feeling. Sometimes it's super cool to have that realization, like when I'm driving on the highway at night and I know all the headlights I see have at least one person behind them and sometimes it's super unsettling, like seeing unfriendly looking people walking around walmart. Also the news lately is... really dire, and there's not a whole lot I can do about it which sends feelings of helplessness and frustration down the line too.
Also in a true sense of irony, I was recently thinking of my childhood friend and how much more successful of an adult she is(was) than me and then today I hear from her sister that she has had a mental break, possible schizophrenia rearing its head, gotten into two bad car crashes, given up custody of her two children, moved alone to a studio apartment(I think she's alone, I don't know what happened to her girlfriend) and now burlesque dances, all of which I heard through her sister, who heard it herself from my friend's ex. Neither me nor her sister have hear from her in around a year and all of this seems to have happened in the last three months. Her family has been completely out of the loop (which, understandable), so they hadn't even known she'd been broken up with her ex for three years, that she came out as a lesbian, etc. So a part of me that is truly and incredibly petty is like "I'm not the only one struggling!" And at the same time I am also extremely worried about her, but I also don't feel like it's my place anymore. I reached out once and never got a reply and now how am I supposed to reach out to help if the only reason I know any of this has happened is through family gossip. I might say something like: hey, I've heard you've been having a rough time, and I'm a good listener if you want to unload but also like, she's not a part of my life anymore and I'm not a part of her life anymore. Also I'm slightly scared, because her giving up custody of her children probably means that she doesn't think her children are safe around her. She loves those kids, that's what she's always expressed to me and what I got from her, but I also don't really feel like I know her that well anymore.
All of this is just reinforcing my stay-at-home away-from-the-world tendencies or at least doing that for as long as I can get away with it because both of my closest real-life friends have had some truly horrible things happen to them and I feel like the only reason I haven't had more shitty things happening to me is that I stay pretty close to home base and keep mostly to myself. I don't shit-talk people in my community, I try not to stir up drama (though I will snitch on innapropriate behavior, like I did to jealous-of-my-beard dude who did something unrelated that I felt needed some kind of precedent set just in case something really bad happened). I'm a good listener, mostly friendly and I keep my head down. I've also gotten pretty good at getting help when I feel that I need it, and not staying in an uncomfortable situation (which is harder to do with my family, but still). *sigh*
Thanks for reading! <3
no subject
Date: 2018-06-29 05:04 am (UTC)Meanwhile, I really empathize about feeling helpless in the wake of current events, mrr. Two years into the current cycle and I have yet to find my balance, emotionally speaking. :/ That also sounds understandably difficult to hear about so much upheaval in your childhood friend's life, wow. It's so hard to entirely let go of people you've cared about, even when you haven't really been close in a long time.
But going back to the start of your entry, that sounds really interesting to have such detailed feedback about your performance in different areas! And how are you liking your beard? :D
no subject
Date: 2018-06-30 04:56 am (UTC)I've actually never really had a problem with gatekeeping of my pain perhaps strangely enough, but on the other hand I also have very literal medical things wrong with my back with metal rods, screws, surgery scars and everything so... it's much more """"reasonable"""" that I would have chronic pain. Plus my body language is very clear when I am in pain. I typically have a period every six months where I go into urgent care because my pain gets so bad I worry about my ability to walk/function and then they prescribe me muscle relaxers and I sleep for two days.
What's weird is that none of my doctors actually *told* me that I have myofascial pain syndrome which, I mean, it makes sense that I do, but also I'm wondering who it was that gave me that diagnosis? It's kind of unsettling to not know everything that I've been diagnosed or labeled with.
The sleep apnea was so bad that I thought I was dissociating all the time. My therapist at the time, hearing my symptoms told me "that sounds like micro naps" and told me that I might want to get tested especially since I was tired all. the. time. I was also consistently distressed, having nightmares and vivid dreams in general and needing to take naps during the day to function. Lately how I know I had a hard time sleeping or less good sleeping in general is if I can remember my dreams and if those dreams are slightly unsettling.
and OOF, current events. I just reblogged your statement about how just living is an act of rebellion to some of the current people in power. That in other words, I am allowed to live my life and not overload myself with depression or anxiety about things that *I* have no control over. I'm voting, my senators and representatives are democrats and I'm living. <3
no subject
Date: 2018-07-01 03:29 am (UTC)Hah, sympathy on that! But at the same time, I'm glad you do have the option of keeping your hair long and wearing designs with flowers if you want to, and still be read the way you want to be. That's such an interesting idea about cutting off your hair and keeping it, too, though. I guess that's one way to have some of the fun parts of having long hair without the annoying upkeep!
That does seem super weird about your doctors not even telling you about your diagnosis, wow! Although I'm glad that at least they've always taken your pain seriously, although of course I'm also so sorry you've had so much in the first place. And omg, I'm so glad they caught your sleep apnea if it was that severe!
And aww, I'm glad that tumblr post helped you! It's definitely a reminder I need too these days.