I got my penis in the mail yesterday
Jul. 9th, 2018 01:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logsSo I finally buckled down and bought a packer. It took FOREVER to find one I wanted on @mazon (because I didn't want to buy one on a different possibly (even) more untrustworthy site) but I impulse bought one that I thought would work and it came in the mail this last Sunday. So yesterday.
I tried it on by which I mean I got my lower half naked at positioned it approximately where it would be if it were real and... yeah, I'm trans. There was a feeling of all encompassing not-quite relief but not-quite-NOT relief either, just a settling in my bones of "oh." I've always had a little bit of a phantom limb thing going on every once in a while, where I can almost feel it (even if it's not there) and while it's not real, with the packer there's a actual physical representation of that phantom limb which maybe weirdly enough makes me feel better.
I still don't want bottom surgery. I might get the clitoral release some day but until they can fuckin' grow a penis in a petri dish and graft it 100% successfully I'm not getting the other bottom surgery. There's too much of a chance of lost sensation and I like orgasms thank you very much. Plus my clit is big enough that it almost counts as a very-tiny micropenis anyway (It's still tiny, but I can see it in a mirror from across a room if I lift some flesh *coughs* so.) and also with the packer resting against it actually enforces the idea that the packer is an extension of myself even if it doesn't rest against my skin. I've been wearing my usual boxer briefs and then put on a second pair of boxer briefs and then tucking the packer in the right spot between the two. (I'm probably going to buy a speedo or a pack of my underwear only in one size larger because with two boxer briefs on at the same time stuff gets *tight* and my gut doesn't appreciate it lol)
The only problem with all of this? When I wear the packer even for just a moment, and then I take it off again, the phantom limb sensation is so much worse. It's like now that I've worn it and had that space filled in even partially taking it away makes that missing feeling so much more obvious. And it is like that, it's like I'm missing something. There's also a heightened feeling of vulnerability.
In a really interesting way taking my packer off is almost like the feeling I used to get when I wasn't wearing a sports bra (I never wore regular bras) in public. That feeling of being exposed. This is different in the sense that instead of feeling exposed in a way that I don't want to be by a body part that I don't want to have instead there's a space that feels more exposed now that I've worn a packer for like five minutes. Again, now that I own a packer- wearing it fills a spot that I have been ignoring pretty successfully for a long time and when I don't wear it after having that spot filled even once is almost like ripping off a bandaid from a wound that hasn't stopped bleeding yet.
Interesting stuff.
OH, in addition. Whenever I used a sock as a packer I always felt super awkward and uncomfortable whenever I went out in public. And while I haven't been out in public with the packer yet the semi-realism again makes it feel much better than a rolled-up sock and I wasn't taking it off because I felt super uncomfortable but instead because I didn't want to have to clean it so soon lol.
I tried it on by which I mean I got my lower half naked at positioned it approximately where it would be if it were real and... yeah, I'm trans. There was a feeling of all encompassing not-quite relief but not-quite-NOT relief either, just a settling in my bones of "oh." I've always had a little bit of a phantom limb thing going on every once in a while, where I can almost feel it (even if it's not there) and while it's not real, with the packer there's a actual physical representation of that phantom limb which maybe weirdly enough makes me feel better.
I still don't want bottom surgery. I might get the clitoral release some day but until they can fuckin' grow a penis in a petri dish and graft it 100% successfully I'm not getting the other bottom surgery. There's too much of a chance of lost sensation and I like orgasms thank you very much. Plus my clit is big enough that it almost counts as a very-tiny micropenis anyway (It's still tiny, but I can see it in a mirror from across a room if I lift some flesh *coughs* so.) and also with the packer resting against it actually enforces the idea that the packer is an extension of myself even if it doesn't rest against my skin. I've been wearing my usual boxer briefs and then put on a second pair of boxer briefs and then tucking the packer in the right spot between the two. (I'm probably going to buy a speedo or a pack of my underwear only in one size larger because with two boxer briefs on at the same time stuff gets *tight* and my gut doesn't appreciate it lol)
The only problem with all of this? When I wear the packer even for just a moment, and then I take it off again, the phantom limb sensation is so much worse. It's like now that I've worn it and had that space filled in even partially taking it away makes that missing feeling so much more obvious. And it is like that, it's like I'm missing something. There's also a heightened feeling of vulnerability.
In a really interesting way taking my packer off is almost like the feeling I used to get when I wasn't wearing a sports bra (I never wore regular bras) in public. That feeling of being exposed. This is different in the sense that instead of feeling exposed in a way that I don't want to be by a body part that I don't want to have instead there's a space that feels more exposed now that I've worn a packer for like five minutes. Again, now that I own a packer- wearing it fills a spot that I have been ignoring pretty successfully for a long time and when I don't wear it after having that spot filled even once is almost like ripping off a bandaid from a wound that hasn't stopped bleeding yet.
Interesting stuff.
OH, in addition. Whenever I used a sock as a packer I always felt super awkward and uncomfortable whenever I went out in public. And while I haven't been out in public with the packer yet the semi-realism again makes it feel much better than a rolled-up sock and I wasn't taking it off because I felt super uncomfortable but instead because I didn't want to have to clean it so soon lol.
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Date: 2018-07-10 04:54 am (UTC)