(no subject)

[catharsis_logs]

WOO yall, I am SCARED. I’m hoping that it’s mostly just my anxiety creating noise but one of the trickier parts of being transgender is that I have doctors that I have seen when I ID’d differently and LOOKED pretty damn different too. And now I’m coming in with a different name and a beard and I’m having some intrusive thoughts about transphobic behavior and being under the knife. (Getting a tooth removed! If any fuckery happens (WHICH IT WON’T BY GOD-) I hope it’ll happen before the painful part.)

Anyway, I'm gonna be waking up at a god awful early time tomorrow to pay someone lots of money to remove a tooth and just before I go in (after I'm done driving) I'm gonna take my full daily dose of xanax (a pill and a half) before I even go in.

I need to center myself and just hope for the best. A video game I've kind of been looking forward to is coming out tomorrow too, so I can reward myself with that. Off to take a shower and then go to bed. <3 WIsh me luck.

Edit: freaked out in the shower. Then went downstairs to see if my dad would be okay with just, coming in the room while I'm getting the tooth removed because that helps a little with the intrusive thoughts. He also reassured me that the doctor we're going to is a really cool guy and that me being trans wouldn't be a problem (Or he would be incredibly surprised if it were) and I took have a Xanax and now I'm feeling a little better. I'm also gonna take a half a pain pill because that'll help with my current cough that I"ve had for like two WEEKS now (also terrified of needing to cough when they have pliers in my mouth) and also will help to knock me out so I can sleep. Waking up tomorrow at seven in the MORNING is going to be a whole other journey, and then driving forty-five minutes to the dentist's office. Tomorrow is going to be fun.

Comments

[enemyofperfect]

Aww, all the sympathy and good wishes! I'm glad you've got meds and your dad to help, and a video game to look forward to afterwards. ♥

[catharsis_logs]

I'm okay! everything went fairly well. I had to have another x-ray just because apparently that tooth had REALLY deep roots and they wanted to get a clearer picture of where the nerve was in that area. My root was so deep that it was practically nestled up against the nerve itself.

Oh and it was also infected, again, and had deteriorated so much that when they yanked it it shattered and I think a giant piece came out. which was dissapointing because I was hoping to keep the tooth, and the nurse told me that if the tooth ended up in pieces then I wouldn't be able to keep it.

What was gross was the sound of the tooth breaking/splintering whatever. That and the drill when they had to get what was left. But all-in-all it was over and done with very quickly. It's kind of amazing (and disturbing) how apparently easy it is to remove a tooth.

It was stressful and scary, but I think it would have been worse with the laughing gas, so I didn't do that. It would have been an extra $99 that I don't have.

The good news is that the surgeon said that it was a good thing that I got the tooth removed. The effort that would have gone into saving the tooth would have been long, and expensive, and painful, and not even guaranteed to work. So I just got rid of it.

Also, perhaps not surprisingly, ever since I learned that I would have to lose a tooth I've been brushing AND flossing every night. I'm hoping to maybe do it at night AND in the morning, but we'll see.

Realized that I was pretty triggered last night. Mostly because giving up that kind of control is very uncomfortable for me and especially so with a doctor or medical professional that I don't know very well. I knew my surgeon, but we hadn't seen each other in eight years.

What IS funny though and amused the nurse when she noticed is that in 2010 the last time I was there, to get rid of my wisdom teeth, it was August 25th! And today is August 24th! I thought there was a vague sense of deja vu even beyond the obvious lol

Anyway, I'm all doped up on anxiety meds and painkillers and antibiotics and I'm kind of fading out, so I think I'll attempt to play some more video games but more realistically... take a nap.

[enemyofperfect]

Aww, I'm glad the extraction went well -- and definitely I'm glad that you're now free of that infected tooth! I totally know what you mean about getting really good about brushing and flossing after a run in with the dentist, too, ahaha.

But yeah, I hope you enjoy your video games and/or nap. Sounds like you definitely earned them. <3