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Sep. 11th, 2018 02:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logsI don't know if I managed to tell you about this, but I got my tooth removed mostly painlessly. The doctor was... kind of weird, but I don't know if it was 'I treated this person as a different gender' kind of weird, or an 'I haven't seen this doctor in almost a decade weird'. I was expecting it to be a LOT like my wisdom tooth extraction and... to my (perhaps silly) surprise... it wasn't. !!GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF TOOTH EXTRACTION!! I was expecting there to be cutting and shit and there wasn't. Instead, he recommended that I chew my anti-anxiety meds (of which I was having a full dose) which I did. And then I got shot full of some really good painkillers and they went after me with the pliers. My tooth had been so badly infected that it shattered in my mouth, which was a disappointment because I'd asked the nurse earlier if I could keep my tooth and she said sure: as long as it didn't break. The crunching sound was the worst part and so was the *grip* they had on my head when they were getting the biggest piece(s) out. !!END GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF TOOTH EXTRACTION!! All in all it maybe took like ten minutes at most, the actual extraction and was a around $500 cheaper than I thought it was going to be at, well, $500... I also seem to have triggers that pop up right after something 'bad' happens to my teeth. For my wisdom teeth it was the music that I was listening to during the extraction, for this time around it's any graphic depiction of tooth extraction. I watched a crime movie about a woman who was forced to stay in a pressure chamber for five years and at one point had to extract an infected tooth herself and I... could not watch that scene. If I'd had balls they would have shriveled.
Speaking of being trans I'm become more accepting of my genderfluditity though recently I have been coming down as male more often than not. My 'new' way of looking at my current gender(s) is this: I'm mostly agender as in, it doesn't matter to me much and sometimes confuses me that it matters so much to other people. The other more common gender for me is male. Recently I've been having a little more dysphoria when it comes to my clothing choices and... *coughs* genitalia. Also with my recent legal gender and name change I'm being forced by necessity to try to understand and think about what I'm going to do as a transgender man in a country which is/isn't supportive of people like me. It's not illegal, but it's not 'normal' either and it definitely falls into the category of 'makes people uncomfortable and inappropriately angry about personal things they have no actual say in and should never have any actual say in' and seems to drive some cis people to extremely inappropriate and illogical violence (not that violence is ever appropriate or even logical, just that it's strange to me that people get so *angry* about things that aren't any of their goddamn business).
I've also had an increase in one of my medications. The one for insomnia and anxiety that I take every night before bed. I've also been off of my CPAP for about two and a half weeks now and the term is starting soon and so driving me battier than usual (more on that later). I've been having a bit more anxiety, and jumpiness than normal. I've started not really seeing things out of the corner of my eyes and more I'm just very hypervigilant. A strange pattern in the corner of my eye could read to me as movement and I would jump. A strange sound would put me on high alert. I've been more easily triggered too, recently having a panic attack that I was able to head off the pass (but not without some tears and some medication, I call it a success because I wasn't in my room at any point cry-screaming into my mattress. I was able to take my meds, take deep breaths and talk about it relatively calmly.) I'm hoping that this increase in anxiety is simply sleep deprivation and some stress and not my increase in does fucking me up, and my pharmacist tells me it shouldn't because it's an anti-anxiety med. I'll call my prescriber tomorrow anyway and ask about it. But I used my CPAP last night and got a hell of a lot of sleep. It's interesting how my sleep apnea affects my head more than my body, or maybe it's just that my body takes longer to catch up on sleep than my head. I woke up pretty clear-headed today which was nice and has been pretty rare lately, but my body was so tired that once I came home from running some errands I went to my room and took a three hour nap. My brain was awake but my body was like "Sleep!" I'm hoping with continued use it'll start picking back up again and that my anxiety will go back down to my 'usual' somewhat-manageable rate.
Anyway, what I've been basically spending this entry entry getting to is that I have a room on campus! It's not the room that I wanted, which is disappointing but not unexpected. The building has hardwood and I'm on the first floor so there's a pretty good chance I'll hear my upstairs neighbors and the dorm isn't furnished so I'll have to find some furniture (or just use the shit in my room) but beyond that, I have a private bathroom! Which I didn't realize fully until last night when I thought about what I would do when I needed to leave my room and take my keys and then realized that a lot of why I got locked out my last few years was because I needed to run to the bathroom, or pick something up from the lounge or the kitchen and I shouldn't need to do that anymore because I've got a PERSONAL BATHROOM, with a toilet and a bathtub. I've also (and this wouldn't have come with the room I originally requested) a FULL KITCHEN (though I'll have to buy a microwave... *sigh*) with a FULL fridge which is going to be a GREAT boon because I could barely put ANYTHING into my tiny-ass mini-fridge at my old dorm.
Also I've bought a parking pass to a residential parking garage that I'm pretty sure no one but students who live on campus can use and which is right across the street from my new dorm and is better policed and observed I'm pretty sure The other one is near the highway and where some homeless like to stay, etc. The other one is actually almost the same distance away from my new one (literally across the street lol) but I'm pretty sure unauthorized people aren't allowed into this particular parking garage which helps me feel marginally safer. So I just have a quick walk across the street to my car which means that I have a little bit easier access to good groceries (I don't want to buy stuff at the safeway down the street which basically tortured my best friend) AND to my close friend who now lives just across the river in Washington. Going out at night outside of my car in the city is one of my biggest bugaboos and it's nice that my car is pretty much right there.
OH. And I can't believe I forgot to mention! One of the perks (apparently) of having an unfurnished unit is that I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A ROOMMATE. And because I'm with the Disability Resource Center and labeled with the accommodation "no roommate" they're going to charge me the double rate (which is the lower price I would be paying if I were to have a roommate... which they legally have to do but YES.) So this will kind of be like my first real experience with my own apartment. I've never had my own bathroom before, or my own kitchen, or my own space that I need to furnish myself. So it'll be a real learning experience and I hope it'll be a good one! <3 <3 <3
Thanks for listening/reading! And now I'm gonna go to bed. (I need to do more typing because my wrist hurts in a weird way while writing this... hmm)
Speaking of being trans I'm become more accepting of my genderfluditity though recently I have been coming down as male more often than not. My 'new' way of looking at my current gender(s) is this: I'm mostly agender as in, it doesn't matter to me much and sometimes confuses me that it matters so much to other people. The other more common gender for me is male. Recently I've been having a little more dysphoria when it comes to my clothing choices and... *coughs* genitalia. Also with my recent legal gender and name change I'm being forced by necessity to try to understand and think about what I'm going to do as a transgender man in a country which is/isn't supportive of people like me. It's not illegal, but it's not 'normal' either and it definitely falls into the category of 'makes people uncomfortable and inappropriately angry about personal things they have no actual say in and should never have any actual say in' and seems to drive some cis people to extremely inappropriate and illogical violence (not that violence is ever appropriate or even logical, just that it's strange to me that people get so *angry* about things that aren't any of their goddamn business).
I've also had an increase in one of my medications. The one for insomnia and anxiety that I take every night before bed. I've also been off of my CPAP for about two and a half weeks now and the term is starting soon and so driving me battier than usual (more on that later). I've been having a bit more anxiety, and jumpiness than normal. I've started not really seeing things out of the corner of my eyes and more I'm just very hypervigilant. A strange pattern in the corner of my eye could read to me as movement and I would jump. A strange sound would put me on high alert. I've been more easily triggered too, recently having a panic attack that I was able to head off the pass (but not without some tears and some medication, I call it a success because I wasn't in my room at any point cry-screaming into my mattress. I was able to take my meds, take deep breaths and talk about it relatively calmly.) I'm hoping that this increase in anxiety is simply sleep deprivation and some stress and not my increase in does fucking me up, and my pharmacist tells me it shouldn't because it's an anti-anxiety med. I'll call my prescriber tomorrow anyway and ask about it. But I used my CPAP last night and got a hell of a lot of sleep. It's interesting how my sleep apnea affects my head more than my body, or maybe it's just that my body takes longer to catch up on sleep than my head. I woke up pretty clear-headed today which was nice and has been pretty rare lately, but my body was so tired that once I came home from running some errands I went to my room and took a three hour nap. My brain was awake but my body was like "Sleep!" I'm hoping with continued use it'll start picking back up again and that my anxiety will go back down to my 'usual' somewhat-manageable rate.
Anyway, what I've been basically spending this entry entry getting to is that I have a room on campus! It's not the room that I wanted, which is disappointing but not unexpected. The building has hardwood and I'm on the first floor so there's a pretty good chance I'll hear my upstairs neighbors and the dorm isn't furnished so I'll have to find some furniture (or just use the shit in my room) but beyond that, I have a private bathroom! Which I didn't realize fully until last night when I thought about what I would do when I needed to leave my room and take my keys and then realized that a lot of why I got locked out my last few years was because I needed to run to the bathroom, or pick something up from the lounge or the kitchen and I shouldn't need to do that anymore because I've got a PERSONAL BATHROOM, with a toilet and a bathtub. I've also (and this wouldn't have come with the room I originally requested) a FULL KITCHEN (though I'll have to buy a microwave... *sigh*) with a FULL fridge which is going to be a GREAT boon because I could barely put ANYTHING into my tiny-ass mini-fridge at my old dorm.
Also I've bought a parking pass to a residential parking garage that I'm pretty sure no one but students who live on campus can use and which is right across the street from my new dorm and is better policed and observed I'm pretty sure The other one is near the highway and where some homeless like to stay, etc. The other one is actually almost the same distance away from my new one (literally across the street lol) but I'm pretty sure unauthorized people aren't allowed into this particular parking garage which helps me feel marginally safer. So I just have a quick walk across the street to my car which means that I have a little bit easier access to good groceries (I don't want to buy stuff at the safeway down the street which basically tortured my best friend) AND to my close friend who now lives just across the river in Washington. Going out at night outside of my car in the city is one of my biggest bugaboos and it's nice that my car is pretty much right there.
OH. And I can't believe I forgot to mention! One of the perks (apparently) of having an unfurnished unit is that I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A ROOMMATE. And because I'm with the Disability Resource Center and labeled with the accommodation "no roommate" they're going to charge me the double rate (which is the lower price I would be paying if I were to have a roommate... which they legally have to do but YES.) So this will kind of be like my first real experience with my own apartment. I've never had my own bathroom before, or my own kitchen, or my own space that I need to furnish myself. So it'll be a real learning experience and I hope it'll be a good one! <3 <3 <3
Thanks for listening/reading! And now I'm gonna go to bed. (I need to do more typing because my wrist hurts in a weird way while writing this... hmm)
no subject
Date: 2018-09-12 06:52 pm (UTC)I'm so glad the tooth extraction went mostly well! It does sound significantly disturbing, though, so no wonder you're a little sensitive on that topic now.
That's pretty awesome about getting comfortable with your genderfluidity, too. And obviously I agree 100% that society should be more supportive and less terrible towards trans folks in general. Sometimes I wonder why everyone can't just calm down and try being nice for a change.
I'm also glad that you're taking care of your mental health and that going back to the CPAP seems to help! Sleep deprivation is seriously the worst -- I can always feel myself backsliding towards the bad old days when I don't get enough sleep. So fingers crossed that things do continue to improve for you!
But last and most certainly not least: congratulations on getting a room to yourself!!! I know that was such a huge deal for you, and I'm so happy that's worked out! *\o/*
no subject
Date: 2018-09-20 07:45 am (UTC)Yeah, it was rough. I'm just planning on hopefully not having to do that ever again. Nothing to get me to brush (and floss!) my teeth like losing one of them. *sweats*
And yeah! I've been kind of feeling out the ever-shifting boundaries. Right now I'm a portion of my life that feels more male (especially more male-bodied) but for the most part, I wish that gender wasn't such a big deal and that I (and everyone else!) could wear whatever the fuck I want and not be bothered about it. (This is not considering clothes with hate-speech that come along with them. The clothes worn shouldn't hurt anyone else, or those wearing them should be willing to actually listen to people who have legitimate complaints. For instance, I wear a black sweatshirt with bloodshot and bloody eyeballs all the time, and I try to be open to the fact that someone might be uncomfortable with that. I also don't wear that sweatshirt when I'm in an "Official" capacity like volunteering at the front desk of the QRC.)
Haha yeah, and then I had to go off the CPAP again because I got super sick (and am still sick) with a cold. A stuffy nose and coughing up my lungs is not condusive to wearing a mask, especially one that goes over my nose. I'm gonna try the mostly-full-face one tonight maybe and turn the humidity of the humidifier up pretty high. :/
And then I move into my new dorm on Friday. And having a cold makes it hard to pack and prepare to go live in a difference space. So I'm crossing my fingers that I feel 100% better tomorrow and the day after.
<3
no subject
Date: 2018-09-21 02:45 am (UTC)And of course I absolutely agree that people should be able to wear what they want as long as it isn't actually hurting other people somehow. That's so thoughtful of you to leave off the bloody eyeball shirt when you're in an official position of some kind, I love that you thought of that! <3