It's been a long time, hey there, figured I'd update this here because it gave me some determination

[catharsis_logs]

I was psychoanalyzing myself in the shower tonight.
I had the thought that because of the abuse and neglect I experienced in childhood I have difficulty in adulthood (and childhood,, this has been a problem my entire life) keeping hold of relationships. Of knowing my way around friendship at all. Being bullied and betrayed so much by my peers and friends of course didn't help anything and my mom's abuse at home was kind of the predicator to everything else.

Because I didn't have a safe home environment my basic trust in the world around me was shattered. Because my home which was supposed to be the safest place, was not safe, nowhere else was safe either. Because no one outside of my family realized what was happening or made a move to stop it they were in unknowing collusion with my mom.

From an early age I gave up on my mom. I knew that she would never represent stability for me, that her good moods would never last, that her love was extremely conditional and so I decided to mostly just give up, shear myself from that relationship. Because I couldn't trust her good moods, any good times I had with her around was shadowed by her presence and the impending potential plot-twist that would have my mom screaming at us in the car.

I instead attempted to have a good relationship with my dad, which was hard to do because he was almost always at work and when he was around mom was also around which really put a damper on any building connection

--I think that because I 'gave up' on my mom that led me to a childhood, a teenagerhood and a young adulthood that all had the looming billboard sign above my head, facing only me, that whenever I ran into any kind of difficulty would flash the words "GIVE UP" in bright painful lights. A glowing sign following me everywhere, shadowing my every move, every rock in the road "GIVE UP" "GIVE UP" "GIVE UP". It's led me to difficulty in finding answers to situations other than soulcrushing defeat. And because of this nature of course this sign will lead (and has) to passive almost-constant suicidality.

---This is also why (I think) deeper friendships are so hard for me. Why friendships are so hard for me in general, to have and to hold on to. This basic betrayal in my childhood, by my mom, my sister, my friends, my peers, my teachers almost everyone, lead to me not trusting the world or good intentions. Now it didn't lead to resentment, or anger, or desperate clinging to connection (though I do have some separation anxiety and codependence with my dad) but instead led me to having a really hard time holding on to or seeing the worth in relationships with even a slight amount of difficulty attached. Which, sounds familiar doesn't it? Is also attached to the "GIVE UP" ringing like a bell inside of me. I don't see a life beyond my dad's death so "KILL YOURSELF AFTER" I don't see myself being able to happily hold onto a job "NEVER GET A JOB" I don't see myself having a loving relationship with another person "DON'T GET ROMANTICALLY CLOSE TO SOMEONE" I don't see a safe place for me, a transgender(genderfluid) man out in the world "BECOME A HERMIT". All of those options are ways to "GIVE UP".

AND. I. DON'T. WANT. TO.

I want to learn how to survive
I want to learn how to see a way forward when defeat seems certain
I want to build discipline as a skill
I want to learn how to have happy healthy relationships (romantic and platonic and familial)
I want to learn how to see value in myself
I want to learn how to make anyplace my home
I want to learn how to find meaning in my life

I want to learn how to not give up
(and all of these things seem like they're coming closer, like the sun rising behind the "GIVE UP" sign, blinding my eyes and making it impossible to read the words on the sign and instead focus my eyes towards the rising colors of dawn.)

Comments

[enemyofperfect]

I think that's a really, really good insight, and an even better resolution. ♥

[catharsis_logs]

Yeah!

(other realizations in therapy today: I have had like... two real life friends in my entire life. And that my standards are either too high, or too low.
Also I learned the fatal weakness of good listeners today, they tend to not attract other good listeners. And that the people I like the most have less of a chance of reaching out to me simply because I have trouble reaching out to other people... thanks anxiety lol.)

How have you been? It's been such a long time since I've been here and heard from you. I've been fairly active on tumblr but I haven't seen you a lot. Taking a break to focus on other things? I hope you've been having a good time! :D (if not good, then at least an ok time <3)

[enemyofperfect]

That's a really interesting thought about standards that are either too high or too low! I don't know if this is what you meant, but it makes me think about... sort of pinning all your hopes (and that's the general you, I think I have some of this tendency!) on someone you happen to connect with, before you even know them very well, and then later struggling with disappointment if they aren't everything you wanted them to be. And maybe being too afraid of rejection or disaster to seek out new people who might be good for you in different ways, so you end up trying to make do with not enough.

But aww, thank you for asking about me -- I'm actually kind of touched that you noticed my tumblr absence! ^_^ I spent a month doing a lot of travel -- two weddings in the family, and a long visit with my youngest sibling -- and tumblr just fell by the wayside. I don't regret any of the trips, but it's pretty amazing to be home again and get a chance to catch my breath, I have to admit! So I think I'd say I've been having an okay time for sure, and often a pretty good one too. :)

[catharsis_logs]

Yeah! Also the only close friendship I have right now I brainwashed myself into. Like, it's a good friendship, and I like them, but the majority of my good feeling comes from TELLING myself "wow I really liked that, I really like them, they're so awesome" over and over so I believed it. Not really a realization of the fun of an experience, more of a convincing myself that the experience was fun.

When my therapist asked me if I ever had anyone in my life that I was really excited to see I frowned and paused for... a long time. I can only think of like... maybe three people and that's taking away my godparents. But that framing helped me realize that that's something I should be searching out and looking to preserve. If I'm excited or looking forward to seeing a person, then I probably do want to be friends with them and the friendship will (probably) be worth it.

This is also framed within the fact that it takes me a bit more energy to do things than some people, even hanging out with friends and so meeting up with them has to be worth it. My enjoyment needs to outweigh the energy/pain invested, so if I'm in bed for like five days I'll still go "That was a really good time and I'm looking forward to seeing them again."


Oh wow! That's a lot of travel! And a lot of seeing family. Talk about the potential for exhausting but mostly worth it experiences! <3

[enemyofperfect]

Oh wow, that's so interesting about talking yourself into the friendship! And paying attention to when you look forward to seeing people sounds like a great exercise. I don't have chronic pain adding to the mix, but I feel like I kind of know what you mean about needing more energy to do things, too. Just because something goes well doesn't mean I'm not exhausted by the end of it!

Yeah, I had a pretty intense month there. ^_^ But in addition to getting to see family, I also got to eat at some cool vegan restaurants, so that was pretty cool. The advantages of large cities!

[catharsis_logs]

Oh god yeah, sometimes the really fun stuff can be the most exhausting.

Yeah big cities are good for something. It's kind of sad, I'm the type of person that would really be benefited by living in the city (easier to connect with diverse groups of people and really good/diverse take-out places) but I just can't stand the noise. It's overstimulating really and there's no escape. I knew it was a good idea to move away from the city when I found myself enjoying being in the city more because I didn't live in it lol.

[enemyofperfect]

Aww, that does sound like a pretty clear sign that staying out of cities is better for you! But I'm glad you're able to enjoy them more now. :)