Life Update
Jul. 9th, 2021 01:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logsGosh, it's hard to think what has happened since I last posted here. It's been quite a while! I'm still struggling with health issues (no covid thankfully! I've been fully vaccinated for several months now).
The new med is a temporary one, for extreme back pain I've been having recently. I'm thinking of asking my physical therapist if she can come up with some trustworthy (and relatively inexpensive) cleaners. I need a new bed (which might be causing the back problems), I want to clear the floor and get everything ready for a dog. It's been so long since I've had a pet and I really really miss it. But I have to fix my room, and fix the other room(s), and build a fence in our back yard, and I'm struggling with chronic fatigue, and chronic pain and really sincerely actually thinking about applying for disability because it would be nice to have money to pay people to help me because right now it's all just so overwhelming. A little of this is caused by the new medication cuz it's apparently prone to causing anxiety (it's a corticosteroid).
I got on the new med because I've been having a bad pain flare-up that's exhausting me more than I already am all the time for like a week and a half now. So I called my doctor to see when the soonest I could see her was and the receptionist said the 22nd which is not a day that will work since I'll be going under a (tiny) knife to have my hiatal hernia repaired. [an "amusing" anecdote, I seem to be averaging a surgery every 7 years, watch, in 6 years I'll finally get approved to fix my poor nose and 8 years after that I'll get bottom surgery and and and.] So I waited for a call from the nurse but told my dad that I'd be going to urgent care if they didn't call by 6pm and they didn't call so I went to urgent care. The nurse who saw me in and took my vitals and everything kind of gallows-humor joked that I'm too young for my body to be falling apart like it is, I joked back that I'm getting everything out of the way so that my middle-age and elderly years will be the best years of my life lmao. Here's hoping.
So the doc comes in and we talk a little bit and he does a physical exam and the very first moment he touches the area where I'm having pain he kinda under his breath remarked "ooh, yup that's inflamed" which was validating. So he prescribed me the new med 2 tablets a day for 5 days and hopefully that'll do it. I'm seeing my physical therapist on Wednesday which will be good because I can inform her on what's been happening and what I can do and maybe be encouraged to take my medications more than I have been (I've actually been underdosing the pain meds that have been prescribed to me).
On a more cheerful note I've been gaming a lot. What's ironic is that the most playtime I've gotten this year is through games that I'm (mostly) playing for free. Which is... funny because I'm still buying games for the Switch and... not playing them.
The not free game that I've been playing the most is Loop Hero, which is just addicting enough and just incremental enough that I'm having fun. Look it up, you might like it.
Other than that I've been playing Phantasy Star Online 2 New Horizons, various gatcha games of which my current is an anime DJ music game, and I've finally bit the bullet and started playing Final Fantasy XIV. I'm still a noob wee babe and I'm kind of allergic to teaming up (not super looking forward to dungeons but the thing that finally got me to play was someone who loves the game talking about how nice the players are so there's that.
I've also packed all of my switch games (and vita games, and gameboy/gba games) into playing card holders/sheaths/Idunnowhattocallem and then sliding the game-in-holder into a card binder so that if fires happen this year like they happened last year I can just grab the binders and go. The only risky part is that's my entire collection all in one place so if someone were to grab it... there goes my collection lmao. That's another part of my recent anxiety is last year we had a historically bad fire season and it kinda wrecked me. We were almost between two huge fires and it was terrifying to look at the fire map and see them coming closer. Our neighboring city in the south actually had an evacuation warning. Me and my family actually left home to stay with my godparents where the smoke was more minimal (they don't quite have a leaky house like we do) for a week. Packing for that was stressful because I had the actual real concrete oh my god realization that we could lose everything. Like, I'd been having anxiety about that kind of stuff for a while (hello generalized anxiety!) but I hadn't actually really took it in. (I've been getting better at not torturing myself like that with living through them in my head)
Then we had a hell drive where I stayed under the speed limit so what was usually a 2 hour trip instead became 3 and a half. Luckily just when we got on the interstate there was a semi that I could park my ass behind so I didn't have to worry about rear ending someone who just appeared in the smoke. I could barely see a car-length ahead of me and for a highway that usually has people going 70mph that could be deadly. Luckily (or unluckily) it was 3 in the morning so it was really a ghost road besides poor truckers that had to drive in those conditions and escapees like me and my family.
I'm feeling kind of stalled in life right now. My dad is kind of slowly passing over certain things to me, like learning how to pay bills and such. I had to pay our phone bill this month because he forgot and when he remembered he accidentally called the wrong line and gave them his credit card number. He quickly realized his mistake and called the bank and canceled his card but that puts him out a card for like 7 days and my sis was literally an hour and a half away with no cell reception besides her boyfriend's cell (he's visiting us from Colorado. He's a nice dude. They're cute together.).
He goes home tomorrow and I know my sis is gonna miss him but for me it'll be nice to get a sense of normalcy back. I'm always extremely tentative about people coming to live or stay with us. I don't do well with groups of two and up so I've been kind of self-inflictedly feeling left out when all three of them are chatting but I'm trying to brush that aside. I'm realizing that I'm a bit of a loner. Either that or interacting with people is so exhausting that I've resorted to being a loner. I think the ideal partner for me might be something like a queerplatonic relationship, where we can just quietly do things together individually. Like we're both reading books on the couch, or playing games, etc.
I'm alllmost graduated from university. I've got like two more classes to take and then I will finally have a Bachelors degree clenched tight in his sweaty fist. I kind of want to go to grad school, but I don't think I will unless I can get a full ride, and that full ride would have to come with disability accommodations and it might take me 15 years to finish lmao. It would be another interdisciplinary degree. Like my english/philosophy bachelors.
Anyway! Just thought I'd give anyone still reading this thing and update. I hope you're doing well.
The new med is a temporary one, for extreme back pain I've been having recently. I'm thinking of asking my physical therapist if she can come up with some trustworthy (and relatively inexpensive) cleaners. I need a new bed (which might be causing the back problems), I want to clear the floor and get everything ready for a dog. It's been so long since I've had a pet and I really really miss it. But I have to fix my room, and fix the other room(s), and build a fence in our back yard, and I'm struggling with chronic fatigue, and chronic pain and really sincerely actually thinking about applying for disability because it would be nice to have money to pay people to help me because right now it's all just so overwhelming. A little of this is caused by the new medication cuz it's apparently prone to causing anxiety (it's a corticosteroid).
I got on the new med because I've been having a bad pain flare-up that's exhausting me more than I already am all the time for like a week and a half now. So I called my doctor to see when the soonest I could see her was and the receptionist said the 22nd which is not a day that will work since I'll be going under a (tiny) knife to have my hiatal hernia repaired. [an "amusing" anecdote, I seem to be averaging a surgery every 7 years, watch, in 6 years I'll finally get approved to fix my poor nose and 8 years after that I'll get bottom surgery and and and.] So I waited for a call from the nurse but told my dad that I'd be going to urgent care if they didn't call by 6pm and they didn't call so I went to urgent care. The nurse who saw me in and took my vitals and everything kind of gallows-humor joked that I'm too young for my body to be falling apart like it is, I joked back that I'm getting everything out of the way so that my middle-age and elderly years will be the best years of my life lmao. Here's hoping.
So the doc comes in and we talk a little bit and he does a physical exam and the very first moment he touches the area where I'm having pain he kinda under his breath remarked "ooh, yup that's inflamed" which was validating. So he prescribed me the new med 2 tablets a day for 5 days and hopefully that'll do it. I'm seeing my physical therapist on Wednesday which will be good because I can inform her on what's been happening and what I can do and maybe be encouraged to take my medications more than I have been (I've actually been underdosing the pain meds that have been prescribed to me).
On a more cheerful note I've been gaming a lot. What's ironic is that the most playtime I've gotten this year is through games that I'm (mostly) playing for free. Which is... funny because I'm still buying games for the Switch and... not playing them.
The not free game that I've been playing the most is Loop Hero, which is just addicting enough and just incremental enough that I'm having fun. Look it up, you might like it.
Other than that I've been playing Phantasy Star Online 2 New Horizons, various gatcha games of which my current is an anime DJ music game, and I've finally bit the bullet and started playing Final Fantasy XIV. I'm still a noob wee babe and I'm kind of allergic to teaming up (not super looking forward to dungeons but the thing that finally got me to play was someone who loves the game talking about how nice the players are so there's that.
I've also packed all of my switch games (and vita games, and gameboy/gba games) into playing card holders/sheaths/Idunnowhattocallem and then sliding the game-in-holder into a card binder so that if fires happen this year like they happened last year I can just grab the binders and go. The only risky part is that's my entire collection all in one place so if someone were to grab it... there goes my collection lmao. That's another part of my recent anxiety is last year we had a historically bad fire season and it kinda wrecked me. We were almost between two huge fires and it was terrifying to look at the fire map and see them coming closer. Our neighboring city in the south actually had an evacuation warning. Me and my family actually left home to stay with my godparents where the smoke was more minimal (they don't quite have a leaky house like we do) for a week. Packing for that was stressful because I had the actual real concrete oh my god realization that we could lose everything. Like, I'd been having anxiety about that kind of stuff for a while (hello generalized anxiety!) but I hadn't actually really took it in. (I've been getting better at not torturing myself like that with living through them in my head)
Then we had a hell drive where I stayed under the speed limit so what was usually a 2 hour trip instead became 3 and a half. Luckily just when we got on the interstate there was a semi that I could park my ass behind so I didn't have to worry about rear ending someone who just appeared in the smoke. I could barely see a car-length ahead of me and for a highway that usually has people going 70mph that could be deadly. Luckily (or unluckily) it was 3 in the morning so it was really a ghost road besides poor truckers that had to drive in those conditions and escapees like me and my family.
I'm feeling kind of stalled in life right now. My dad is kind of slowly passing over certain things to me, like learning how to pay bills and such. I had to pay our phone bill this month because he forgot and when he remembered he accidentally called the wrong line and gave them his credit card number. He quickly realized his mistake and called the bank and canceled his card but that puts him out a card for like 7 days and my sis was literally an hour and a half away with no cell reception besides her boyfriend's cell (he's visiting us from Colorado. He's a nice dude. They're cute together.).
He goes home tomorrow and I know my sis is gonna miss him but for me it'll be nice to get a sense of normalcy back. I'm always extremely tentative about people coming to live or stay with us. I don't do well with groups of two and up so I've been kind of self-inflictedly feeling left out when all three of them are chatting but I'm trying to brush that aside. I'm realizing that I'm a bit of a loner. Either that or interacting with people is so exhausting that I've resorted to being a loner. I think the ideal partner for me might be something like a queerplatonic relationship, where we can just quietly do things together individually. Like we're both reading books on the couch, or playing games, etc.
I'm alllmost graduated from university. I've got like two more classes to take and then I will finally have a Bachelors degree clenched tight in his sweaty fist. I kind of want to go to grad school, but I don't think I will unless I can get a full ride, and that full ride would have to come with disability accommodations and it might take me 15 years to finish lmao. It would be another interdisciplinary degree. Like my english/philosophy bachelors.
Anyway! Just thought I'd give anyone still reading this thing and update. I hope you're doing well.
