Work in Progress
Sep. 22nd, 2021 07:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logsMy dad has been having some pretty bad 'grinding' back pain for a while now. He recently went in to the doctor and when they did a physical my dad requested that they do an xray. They did that and...
he has a mass. Today he had an oncology appointment to check it out. I don't know if they're doing a biopsy today, or if they need to schedule an appointment, and then I don't know when we'll get any results. He had a CT scan about a week after they found the mass in the x-ray, and then they scheduled his appointment with oncology that was today.
He's coming home with food from our favorite mexican food. I want him to keep me in the loop, but I think both he and my sis feel like I'm too "delicate" or something. At the same time, I am terrified. I'll write more later, I think he just got home.
Okay, the doctor seems pretty sure that it's cancerous. They're going to schedule him for a PET scan and a down-the-nose biopsy. The tumor is on his left side near the top of his lung. We don't know yet if it's malignant or benign. The doctor has approved a higher dose of pain med because the mass is sitting on an area that would cause a lot of pain. The impression also is that the doc wants to remove it via surgery. My dad talked about my godmother's sister, who had a tumor like that and when she got it removed she lived for another ten years, up til her nineties and I guess that's what we're hoping for here.
My dad said the doctor asked him what got him into the office. He said that it usually took around 3 more months or up to a year to request a chest xray. I don't know if my dad told him, but my godmother's mom (who was my dad's ex-sweetheart) for a long time complained about pain, but the doctors ignored her and didn't do xrays. Eventually she moved to the coast, and the doctor there requested an xray, and there was cancer there, but it had been there too long for any treatment to be of use.
he has a mass. Today he had an oncology appointment to check it out. I don't know if they're doing a biopsy today, or if they need to schedule an appointment, and then I don't know when we'll get any results. He had a CT scan about a week after they found the mass in the x-ray, and then they scheduled his appointment with oncology that was today.
He's coming home with food from our favorite mexican food. I want him to keep me in the loop, but I think both he and my sis feel like I'm too "delicate" or something. At the same time, I am terrified. I'll write more later, I think he just got home.
Okay, the doctor seems pretty sure that it's cancerous. They're going to schedule him for a PET scan and a down-the-nose biopsy. The tumor is on his left side near the top of his lung. We don't know yet if it's malignant or benign. The doctor has approved a higher dose of pain med because the mass is sitting on an area that would cause a lot of pain. The impression also is that the doc wants to remove it via surgery. My dad talked about my godmother's sister, who had a tumor like that and when she got it removed she lived for another ten years, up til her nineties and I guess that's what we're hoping for here.
My dad said the doctor asked him what got him into the office. He said that it usually took around 3 more months or up to a year to request a chest xray. I don't know if my dad told him, but my godmother's mom (who was my dad's ex-sweetheart) for a long time complained about pain, but the doctors ignored her and didn't do xrays. Eventually she moved to the coast, and the doctor there requested an xray, and there was cancer there, but it had been there too long for any treatment to be of use.
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Date: 2021-10-04 03:05 am (UTC)And I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier. Have you had any more news in the week and a half since you posted this? I'll be thinking good thoughts for you and your dad...
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Date: 2021-10-11 07:58 pm (UTC)And yes we have had news. I was just thinking of writing another entry here. This is turning into my vent journal, while I have another private account that I'm using to (try to) record my daily activities for managing Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which I have fairly recently been diagnosed with (last year-ish). The news is yet more hurry-up-and-wait but with the caveat that it is cancer(ous) and that they will have to do something about it, so no non-harmful fatty lumps for my dad. :(
They did a biopsy, which they put him under for so they could scope it out and take pictures. (they did the scope cuz 1. it would help them see better where it was and what it was affecting and 2. if they had done just a needle biopsy there would have been a 40% chance of his lung collapsing and 'just' a 1% chance with the scope biopsy O-O) But that worked out fine, no lung collapsing or other complications thank god but they need to do more testing because they aren't sure if the cancer has gone to one of the lymph nodes which will change his treatment options from surgery to chemotherapy/radiation both of which are extremely scary for me to think about for different reasons.
I think I still have a little wall of denial in my head right now which might be helping me to deal with this all (for now) until I have to deal with it but I'm back in therapy and strongly thinking about finding a grief counselor maybe even before... anything happens because I don't really see myself handling him Gone very well even if for now I'm standing on not-quite-earthquake-ground-shattering shaky ground. I'll probably write more on this later because I do need to bleed off some of the feelings-I-am-carefully-not-feeling about All of This.
Thank you for commenting and as much as I really do appreciate it please feel free to not comment in the future as there will probably be some pretty heavy stuff ahead (like processing grief and life-changes), I mean, not like I haven't posted heavy stuff here before, but there's an extra layer of pandemic/worrying-about-politics-etc sour over everything that I understand can be hard to engage with sometimes. Again, I really do like your comments but I can also appreciate how hard life is right now so please don't give yourself a hard time okay? <3
I hope that you've been okay this last year-ish-amount of time? How have you been?
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Date: 2021-10-15 01:13 am (UTC)By the way, I'm glad you have a diagnosis for your CFS -- or at least, I feel like it might be kind of a relief to have an official name for it, and whatever validation goes along with that. Your description of it as a "diagnosed disorder of Tired" is so good!
You're really thoughtful to make sure I know I don't have to comment if I'm not up for it. <3 It is a really difficult time for a lot of people, isn't it? But I guess that's also part of why I like being here for people when I can.
I think I've been about as okay as anyone is these days. All the pandemic and political stuff you mentioned is stressful, and I think my seasonal depression has set in too, but so far I've escaped without any major personal crises, which I appreciate. And we've got cats again now, a pair of adults we adopted from a shelter last year, and it's so nice having furry little nuisances around the house again. They honestly make my life better every day.
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Date: 2021-10-18 01:02 am (UTC)my state had its worst wildfire season in... ever in 2020 and the fires were getting worryingly close to my fam's house and also the smoke was really really bad, we live in a house that's a little more than 100 years old now and it has holes everywhere so we were taping up the windows and putting blankets over them and everything and still there was smoke. Me and my sis eventually managed to convince my dad that we needed to stay with my godparents but that night when packing I had the solid realization of oh I could *actually* lose the house and everything in it. It had shifted from "academic" or anxiety-thoughts which was in the back of my head not really that close to reality to being something that... could actually happen.
I feel like I've been living in that sensation of 'academic' haha it's only anxiety in regards to losing my dad. There's been the occasional intrusive thought like 'what am I gonna do when-' but that's almost normal for me at this point to a concrete 'oh this might actually happen a lot sooner than I thought it would'. Like my therapist and PT keep telling me, cancer is a big deal. And I'm like nonono let me stay in denial regular-old anxiety land, not the land of 'oh shit this is a thing that actually could happen' (even now, writing that down I'm having a hard time, writing 'could' in regards to death rather than 'will'. And I'm feeling an almost painful tension writing that.
As for the CFS it's been both good and bad. Bad because for now my life is a bit more limited than I want it to be and good because I'm finally learning what those limits are, and I can work from the bottom up to get healthier. It's been a learning experience that's for sure and it's been forcing me to be more mindful especially if I don't want to overdo it and end up in bed for a couple days.
I'm so glad that you have some furry friends in your life again! I'm a little biased towards cats and dogs as pets just because to me they feel more present with their people in interactivity and living side-by-side. I've been fairly desperate to adopt a dog of my own and besides Everything Else that's been one of the things that I've been working towards and kinda stressed about.
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Date: 2021-10-18 11:22 pm (UTC)That makes a lot of sense about the good and the bad of CFS. Mindfulness can be really hard, but there is hope in the idea of learning how to work within your limits and potentially get to a healthier place, too. But it must also be really frustrating sometimes to have those limits to begin with!
Yeah, I love cats and dogs so much. <3 I've never really known other species of animal well enough to know if I'd enjoy having them around as much, but it seems like the ones that to be in a cage when they aren't supervised would be a very different experience! Don't answer if it would be too stressful, but do you have any thoughts about what kind of dog you'd like to adopt?
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Date: 2021-10-19 05:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-10-20 08:15 pm (UTC)(Again, ignore if the question is stressful, but...) Do you know if you'd want an adult or a puppy? I keep feeling so relieved that our current cats were grown when we got them -- they're so curious and energetic now, I can't even imagine how we could have kept up with them as kittens! -- but we'd always gone with puppies/kittens before, and it's nice getting to watch them grow up too!
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Date: 2021-10-22 10:42 pm (UTC)My first dog I kinda grew up alongside, in a weird way we were allllmost like siblings, like she was a younger sibling I had special responsibility over and a special bond with. I'm aware enough as an adult now that that's not a particularly healthy way to have a dog and I've made additional mistakes too, all of which I'll be bringing forward to new dog as what Not To Do haha.
Just in case it's nice talking about lighter things too...
Date: 2021-10-26 02:38 am (UTC)If I put it in familial terms, then my first dog was honestly almost a parental figure to me -- she was already full grown before I was born, so she'd just always been there, and apparently she even looked after me sometimes when I was a baby. So that was a very different dynamic than I've had since then -- not that I love our current cats any more or less than I loved her, but I'm definitely aware of being responsible for them and that they're depending on me more than the other way around. So it makes sense to me that you'll have a different relationship with dogs you meet as an adult!