get ready for rambling
Oct. 19th, 2021 04:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logsSo, the week before last was rough. I had my dad's biopsy to take him to and from, which ended up involving a whole slew of things that almost went wrong and that dialed up the stress of that day. I almost fell down stairs in public and almost took the lady behind me out though she ended up helping me in the end, that and grabbing the railing and holding up almost my entire body weight with that one arm was all that kept me from taking a tumble. Then there was the fact that I went to multiple different places, interacted with multiple different people, had to go run errands once I was finally home and had had a chance to rest. Then the next day I had Physical Therapy and the day after that I had a med check with my psych (thankfully over the phone) and then I crashed.
Crashing for me means that I'm too tired to do much of anything besides read fanfic, almost everything else falls by the wayside. I don't bathe, I don't even change my clothes, I don't eat well, doing chores is very hard and my mood tanks. This time was especially hard because the week before the stress-week from hell was actually pretty good. I sensed that things were moving forward, my mood was pretty steady, I was getting things done around the house and then after this hope-heightening event(s) I crashed again. BUT! It's all a learning experience. In this case I just still need to pace myself. The stress of that day meant that I really shouldn't have done all of the things I had done that day.
Fast forward a frustrating week/crash and yesterday I woke up a bit more energized than usual. The frustrating part about that of course is that now that I have energy my body has decided to seize a portion of that and convert it directly to anxiety and heightened other unpleasant emotion. Like I now I can feel a large portion of the shitty feelings I've been desperately attempting to avoid. I dislike feeling this delicate and it's frustrating also because there's not a whole lot I can do to express this emotion without wiping myself out.
My anxiety in general is a lot higher than my normal-only-to-me levels of anxiety which I think makes a certain amount of sense considering Everything. I described to my PT (who is kinda ending up being one of the people I vent to about what's been going on) my life as this kind of messy open-face sandwich. The bread is my emotional stability but it's becoming soggier and soggier under each subsequent layer above it. 1 layer is the pandemic, 1 layer is my chronic fatigue, 1 layer is my regular anxiety and depression, 1 layer is my chronic pain, and 1 layer is my dad's cancer and that's a rather thick layer that's seasoned with a lot of different things. :/
And now I'm too tired and anxious at the same time to continue writing lmao will probably write more later on a separate entry. Lord knows I need some kind of vent. *sighs*
Crashing for me means that I'm too tired to do much of anything besides read fanfic, almost everything else falls by the wayside. I don't bathe, I don't even change my clothes, I don't eat well, doing chores is very hard and my mood tanks. This time was especially hard because the week before the stress-week from hell was actually pretty good. I sensed that things were moving forward, my mood was pretty steady, I was getting things done around the house and then after this hope-heightening event(s) I crashed again. BUT! It's all a learning experience. In this case I just still need to pace myself. The stress of that day meant that I really shouldn't have done all of the things I had done that day.
Fast forward a frustrating week/crash and yesterday I woke up a bit more energized than usual. The frustrating part about that of course is that now that I have energy my body has decided to seize a portion of that and convert it directly to anxiety and heightened other unpleasant emotion. Like I now I can feel a large portion of the shitty feelings I've been desperately attempting to avoid. I dislike feeling this delicate and it's frustrating also because there's not a whole lot I can do to express this emotion without wiping myself out.
My anxiety in general is a lot higher than my normal-only-to-me levels of anxiety which I think makes a certain amount of sense considering Everything. I described to my PT (who is kinda ending up being one of the people I vent to about what's been going on) my life as this kind of messy open-face sandwich. The bread is my emotional stability but it's becoming soggier and soggier under each subsequent layer above it. 1 layer is the pandemic, 1 layer is my chronic fatigue, 1 layer is my regular anxiety and depression, 1 layer is my chronic pain, and 1 layer is my dad's cancer and that's a rather thick layer that's seasoned with a lot of different things. :/
And now I'm too tired and anxious at the same time to continue writing lmao will probably write more later on a separate entry. Lord knows I need some kind of vent. *sighs*
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Date: 2021-10-20 08:03 pm (UTC)I really like your sandwich analogy, though. Soggy bread is really a lot like how it feels when everything piles up until it's just too much!