to my shame...
Aug. 25th, 2022 04:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logsI finally adopted a dog... and I couldn't handle it for more than a fucking single night. I don't think i've ever been that kind of anxious before, like... literally nauseous with anxiety. So that very night I had a heart-to-heart with my dad while doggy was in my room where I was like... "I can't do this, i'm gonna return this poor dog". She's a shelter dog... was a stray, was terrified, didn't know how to walk on a leash, wasn't house trained, and I realized that... i'd liked my life the way it was before she entered into it. So I went back and hopefully she'll find a better home than me. I paid $600 for a really cute dog to spend one night with me. but that's cheaper than vet bills, and training bills, and my energy levels being depleted. Was a harsh look at the particular idealized idea I had of having a dog. It feels particularly shameful to admit that I wasn't ready, that I went through all of that, putting the dog through that night, and... yeah.
I'm mostly nervous right now about how my PT will react. I've been seeing her for like a year now and in that time I have agonized about wanting a dog and so how humiliating is it that once I finally gain a dog, having a telehealth appointment with her where I show her the dog and say how exited I am! To say, actually. I couldn't hack it! I feel like a liar.
My dad has said that he's actually proud of me for being able to realize when I'd gotten myself into deeper waters than I'd expected and for being responsible enough to recognize that this dog will probably be happier in a different home than ours and that I should take her back in order to find her that better home, rather than slip in my care for her. And while it took two separate anxiety medications to walk back into that place with the dog I'd only walked out with the day before the shelter person did thank me for bringing her back. So.
But I still feel so achingly ashamed. And I'm not sure how to explain all of this to my PT, who I want to consider a friend, but she doesn't really know me, really. I don't want her to be disappointed in me, or like me any less, and while my chant as I walked into the place to give the dog back was "my dad loves me and said that this is okay and his is the only opinion that matters" seemed to help (along with the anxiety meds) it's still another to talk to this person I have a kind of friendship (the only friendship I currently have) about a failure that could easily be seen as a moral failure.
I hope I don't cry when I see her on saturday.
I'm mostly nervous right now about how my PT will react. I've been seeing her for like a year now and in that time I have agonized about wanting a dog and so how humiliating is it that once I finally gain a dog, having a telehealth appointment with her where I show her the dog and say how exited I am! To say, actually. I couldn't hack it! I feel like a liar.
My dad has said that he's actually proud of me for being able to realize when I'd gotten myself into deeper waters than I'd expected and for being responsible enough to recognize that this dog will probably be happier in a different home than ours and that I should take her back in order to find her that better home, rather than slip in my care for her. And while it took two separate anxiety medications to walk back into that place with the dog I'd only walked out with the day before the shelter person did thank me for bringing her back. So.
But I still feel so achingly ashamed. And I'm not sure how to explain all of this to my PT, who I want to consider a friend, but she doesn't really know me, really. I don't want her to be disappointed in me, or like me any less, and while my chant as I walked into the place to give the dog back was "my dad loves me and said that this is okay and his is the only opinion that matters" seemed to help (along with the anxiety meds) it's still another to talk to this person I have a kind of friendship (the only friendship I currently have) about a failure that could easily be seen as a moral failure.
I hope I don't cry when I see her on saturday.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-27 04:21 am (UTC)I'm with your dad. This can't have been an easy decision to make, but you looked at the situation, you took stock of your resources, and you made the best choice you could, both for yourself and for the dog. That's not just insightful and responsible, it's really brave too, in my opinion.
I wonder if you're being a little too hard on yourself about idealizing the idea of having a dog, too. Maybe you really are just happier without a dog in your life, and that's completely valid if you are, but it also sounds like this particular dog was going to need a lot of "handholding", so to speak. I think there are probably a lot of people who'd be happy to adopt a shelter dog, but who would need a dog who's house trained and not completely terrified. And by realizing that you weren't in a place to give her everything she needed, you absolutely have given her the chance at finding someone who's better equipped to do that.
You could also try telling yourself that you've made a very generous donation to the shelter to help them help her and the other animals in their care, which is completely true.
I sympathize so much with how you're feeling, though. It's one thing to be able to understand intellectually that you've done the right thing, and it's another to actually be able to feel it, and it's especially hard when you're worried about how someone else might see you.
Good luck with your PT appointment, and keep up the good work taking care of yourself. <3
no subject
Date: 2022-08-31 05:04 am (UTC)Thank youuuuuuu. This has been a real learning experience. Now I know some of what I need to be ready for the next time! But first... I think I'll start with something that can live in a cage hahaaaaa...
And also, just like my sis predicted, the first thing out of my PT's mouth was "I'm so sorry."
I'm in a pattern of reminding myself of good things and coping mechanisms and taking baby steps towards creeping towards a potentially mostly functional human being.
How have you been in the the hellscape that is becoming the united states? (no pressure on responding <3)
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 12:32 am (UTC)You're so nice to ask about me! My summer has been a series of small adventures, from stuff breaking down around the house to finally getting my wisdom teeth taken out. (I was stubborn about keeping them all through my twenties, but then they gave me a gum infection, which I did not enjoy!) And I'd be lying if I said that politics doesn't get me down sometimes, although at least there have been some more positive developments there recently. But I've managed some writing here and there, which is a good feeling!
no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 01:00 am (UTC)Congrats on getting the wisdom teeth out! (I'd've kept mine if not for the way they were growing in, if I'd let them grow they would've pried out the molars next to them for free! Luckily though I somehow skipped out on upper wisdom teeth entirely which was very fortunate and at least one thing I vaguely appreciate about my meatsack.)
I'm definitely head-buried-in-sand mode around politics right now. Again, I'm fortunate to live in an area (and have the kind of body.....) where politics don't affect my daily life too much. Though I do poke up every once in a while to make sure things aren't deteriorating too far haha. I'm very much in 'prepare for the worst hope for the best' mode.
And kudos on the writing! <3 I know how hard that can be to keep up with.