Long rambling post
Jul. 21st, 2023 04:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logsUpdate
So, an update after my godmother and father and their adorable dog Shadow came over for the weekend.
Will (my godfather) is kinda intimidating, but he did tell me twice that he was impressed with all that I was doing. I asked for a hug at one moment and he gave one to me and told me he was proud of me, which… coming from Will was a pretty big deal to me.
MamaS was her usual kind, gentle, but slightly-pushy-at-times self.
Their dog Shadow was extremely energetic and I spent some time frantically on the floor and sweeping the floor so I could get anything that could potentially poison a dog out from under her nose. The 3rd day they were over they’d fed her a tranquilizer just so she’d settle down (laughing emoji here).
We actually had some junk people come by and haul off some of our junk. We can actually walk around the kitchen island for the first time in years (and years and years) and SEE the kitchen island countertop. We can also walk around the pool table again even if the top of it holds some things that we still need to donate/figure-out-what-to-do-with.
My dad talked a little bit about the woman he loved for like 20 years before drifting apart, running into my mom after taking out a newspaper ad, and having me and my sis, which were really the only good parts about his relationship with my mom for the decade they were together.
I feel sad because I wish that my dad had had a chance at a relationship like the one my godmother and godfather have. Hell *I* want a relationship like the one my godmother and godfather have. They’re really kind of both my idols lmao.
So I got to pet a dog, and hug some godparents, and crawl around on the floor and pick up trash (ugh). Eat the pastries they’d brought with them, and talk a tiny bit with my MamaS before my sis had to invariably butt her nose into things. That is the one thing I kind of regret about their trip is that I really didn’t get a period of time just to talk to her about things. I did get a little segment when we were sitting together on the porch swing and she told me that my negative internal voice needs to quiet down.
I read a self-cest fanfic that made me think in different ways about… parenting or loving myself. The fanfic talked about how even if the two characters were twenty years apart in age, they were spiritually the same person. They both had different thoughts, they weren’t literally sharing brains, but they knew each other in a specific way that no one else would be. Okay fuck it it was a Harry Potter fanfic, it was Harry Potter. But the story revolved (when it wasn’t a PWP lmao) around Harry being in a position to become his own rescuer, his own unconditional lover.
And that made me think about things like, I should not think or talk about myself in language I would never use to talk about my family or close friends. How my future self might think about my current self, what things I might regret, what things I’m (already) proud of myself for, etc. Becoming the mother to myself that I wish I had been able to have (which is an interesting space to think about when I identify as primarily masc).
I’m also having sad thoughts about my gender. The streamer I like (who is very caustic and somewhat offensive but does have a soft side (he’s not a Republican for instance)) is confused by men who play video games as female characters. He thinks (I think) that a man who chooses to play female characters wants automatically to be a woman. (Which might not be what he thinks at all but I can’t 100% remember and it doesn’t really matter) I don’t agree with this, I do agree that there can be aesthetic preferences, I agree with the POV of “I would rather watch a beautiful woman run around a game world rather than a man and that doesn’t mean I want to be a woman it means I can understand point of views other than myself and women are pretty”
but for MYSELF, I do choose characters (especially in role play, or farming video games, running around, etc, (unless I can play a very feminine man because feminine = pretty)) who are either female or queer in some way because that allows me a space in which I can be those things. I am a very anxious person, so I am very afraid of being ‘different’ in the eyes of the world. I have already been abused because of being different and I don’t really want to experience that again, lack of expressing myself at times or no.
In these games, especially peaceful farming games, or sometimes roleplaying games there does not seem to be rampant misogyny or racism in a game (unless it’s set somewhat current, like Last of Us etc). The two games I’m mostly thinking of at this point are fantasy games, and like, farming games. (I’m playing Story of Seasons A Wonderful Life and I’m really liking it. It’s an interesting experience specifically playing a nonbinary character and having moments of they/them pronouns or even avoidance of pronouns altogether, which is nice, it’s kind of always an interesting experience with a game when it calls me “he” or “she” or “young man” or “young woman”, gendered terms, etc.) so it’s ‘safe to be a specific kind of human (or nonhuman, which if it is an option I immediately choose, who wants to be HUMAN???).
So long story short, I’m trying to remember to be kind to ymself about all the stuff I’m going through right now.
Had a doc appointment today and she looked at my poor hands (I have very weird non-specific painful hive-like-but-not things on the edges of my index finger(s) and in the inside joints of my hands and on my knuckles a little and she said “yeah I don’t know what that is either, it sucks that you’re only going to be able to see the dermatologist in 2024”. I’m also gonna get my yearly bloodwork done. They tested my blood earlier for like auto-immune stuff, but apparently that was all fine. THis just happens to me when I’m super stressed.
Sometime my dad wants to have a meeting with me and my sis to talk about nursing home/assisted living places because when I went to my doctor’s office before I left my sis and dad were on the phone with Senior Services and talking about various homes and what they would be like, what they would provide, etc. I HATE that it’s more expensive to keep him at home but at the same time it makes sense.
It’s kind of interesting, this is super hard but so far I’m handling things okay so far. I am a little interested in when my breaking point is going to come. Like I’m kinda creeping up on it anyway (I hope it’s okay that I talk about the same things over and over) because I don’t think I’ve taken a shower in like two months now, my beard is looking a bit mountain-man, and my poor back and muscles hurt.
Last night I also unearthed an office chair from our packed attic room and taking it downstairs, and setting it up, so I could have something I bit more comfortable to roll into my dad’s room when I want to spend some time with him. His room has also been pretty cleared out. We got two of the defunct chairs out of his room, and cleaned up pretty good, but now there’s not really places that are comfortable to sit besides the broken down grey office chair, the wheelchair, and a stool. I’ve been rolling the computer room chair in every once in a while but the wheels are pretty stopped up with hair and shit and it’s really old XD
The second day my godparents were over I woke up a little earlier than I’d like and I stumbled downstairs to take my meds and there my mamaS was, saying good morning and giving me a hug, and I wasn’t even awake at that point to remember that they were even at our house so for half a second I was like “who is this really nice person that I do know that I know and love and trust but???” And then I remembered and I had to go take an anxiety med because I was suddenly panicking. I even had to take another half like real soon after because I was just so discombobulated by their being here.
So, an update after my godmother and father and their adorable dog Shadow came over for the weekend.
Will (my godfather) is kinda intimidating, but he did tell me twice that he was impressed with all that I was doing. I asked for a hug at one moment and he gave one to me and told me he was proud of me, which… coming from Will was a pretty big deal to me.
MamaS was her usual kind, gentle, but slightly-pushy-at-times self.
Their dog Shadow was extremely energetic and I spent some time frantically on the floor and sweeping the floor so I could get anything that could potentially poison a dog out from under her nose. The 3rd day they were over they’d fed her a tranquilizer just so she’d settle down (laughing emoji here).
We actually had some junk people come by and haul off some of our junk. We can actually walk around the kitchen island for the first time in years (and years and years) and SEE the kitchen island countertop. We can also walk around the pool table again even if the top of it holds some things that we still need to donate/figure-out-what-to-do-with.
My dad talked a little bit about the woman he loved for like 20 years before drifting apart, running into my mom after taking out a newspaper ad, and having me and my sis, which were really the only good parts about his relationship with my mom for the decade they were together.
I feel sad because I wish that my dad had had a chance at a relationship like the one my godmother and godfather have. Hell *I* want a relationship like the one my godmother and godfather have. They’re really kind of both my idols lmao.
So I got to pet a dog, and hug some godparents, and crawl around on the floor and pick up trash (ugh). Eat the pastries they’d brought with them, and talk a tiny bit with my MamaS before my sis had to invariably butt her nose into things. That is the one thing I kind of regret about their trip is that I really didn’t get a period of time just to talk to her about things. I did get a little segment when we were sitting together on the porch swing and she told me that my negative internal voice needs to quiet down.
I read a self-cest fanfic that made me think in different ways about… parenting or loving myself. The fanfic talked about how even if the two characters were twenty years apart in age, they were spiritually the same person. They both had different thoughts, they weren’t literally sharing brains, but they knew each other in a specific way that no one else would be. Okay fuck it it was a Harry Potter fanfic, it was Harry Potter. But the story revolved (when it wasn’t a PWP lmao) around Harry being in a position to become his own rescuer, his own unconditional lover.
And that made me think about things like, I should not think or talk about myself in language I would never use to talk about my family or close friends. How my future self might think about my current self, what things I might regret, what things I’m (already) proud of myself for, etc. Becoming the mother to myself that I wish I had been able to have (which is an interesting space to think about when I identify as primarily masc).
I’m also having sad thoughts about my gender. The streamer I like (who is very caustic and somewhat offensive but does have a soft side (he’s not a Republican for instance)) is confused by men who play video games as female characters. He thinks (I think) that a man who chooses to play female characters wants automatically to be a woman. (Which might not be what he thinks at all but I can’t 100% remember and it doesn’t really matter) I don’t agree with this, I do agree that there can be aesthetic preferences, I agree with the POV of “I would rather watch a beautiful woman run around a game world rather than a man and that doesn’t mean I want to be a woman it means I can understand point of views other than myself and women are pretty”
but for MYSELF, I do choose characters (especially in role play, or farming video games, running around, etc, (unless I can play a very feminine man because feminine = pretty)) who are either female or queer in some way because that allows me a space in which I can be those things. I am a very anxious person, so I am very afraid of being ‘different’ in the eyes of the world. I have already been abused because of being different and I don’t really want to experience that again, lack of expressing myself at times or no.
In these games, especially peaceful farming games, or sometimes roleplaying games there does not seem to be rampant misogyny or racism in a game (unless it’s set somewhat current, like Last of Us etc). The two games I’m mostly thinking of at this point are fantasy games, and like, farming games. (I’m playing Story of Seasons A Wonderful Life and I’m really liking it. It’s an interesting experience specifically playing a nonbinary character and having moments of they/them pronouns or even avoidance of pronouns altogether, which is nice, it’s kind of always an interesting experience with a game when it calls me “he” or “she” or “young man” or “young woman”, gendered terms, etc.) so it’s ‘safe to be a specific kind of human (or nonhuman, which if it is an option I immediately choose, who wants to be HUMAN???).
So long story short, I’m trying to remember to be kind to ymself about all the stuff I’m going through right now.
Had a doc appointment today and she looked at my poor hands (I have very weird non-specific painful hive-like-but-not things on the edges of my index finger(s) and in the inside joints of my hands and on my knuckles a little and she said “yeah I don’t know what that is either, it sucks that you’re only going to be able to see the dermatologist in 2024”. I’m also gonna get my yearly bloodwork done. They tested my blood earlier for like auto-immune stuff, but apparently that was all fine. THis just happens to me when I’m super stressed.
Sometime my dad wants to have a meeting with me and my sis to talk about nursing home/assisted living places because when I went to my doctor’s office before I left my sis and dad were on the phone with Senior Services and talking about various homes and what they would be like, what they would provide, etc. I HATE that it’s more expensive to keep him at home but at the same time it makes sense.
It’s kind of interesting, this is super hard but so far I’m handling things okay so far. I am a little interested in when my breaking point is going to come. Like I’m kinda creeping up on it anyway (I hope it’s okay that I talk about the same things over and over) because I don’t think I’ve taken a shower in like two months now, my beard is looking a bit mountain-man, and my poor back and muscles hurt.
Last night I also unearthed an office chair from our packed attic room and taking it downstairs, and setting it up, so I could have something I bit more comfortable to roll into my dad’s room when I want to spend some time with him. His room has also been pretty cleared out. We got two of the defunct chairs out of his room, and cleaned up pretty good, but now there’s not really places that are comfortable to sit besides the broken down grey office chair, the wheelchair, and a stool. I’ve been rolling the computer room chair in every once in a while but the wheels are pretty stopped up with hair and shit and it’s really old XD
The second day my godparents were over I woke up a little earlier than I’d like and I stumbled downstairs to take my meds and there my mamaS was, saying good morning and giving me a hug, and I wasn’t even awake at that point to remember that they were even at our house so for half a second I was like “who is this really nice person that I do know that I know and love and trust but???” And then I remembered and I had to go take an anxiety med because I was suddenly panicking. I even had to take another half like real soon after because I was just so discombobulated by their being here.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-23 06:52 pm (UTC)I'm also really glad you've been thinking about being kind to yourself. <3 I've been trying to work on that too a bit lately, and it can be tough not to fall into old habits, but I'm trying my best.
Okay fuck it it was a Harry Potter fanfic, it was Harry Potter.
This made me laugh. But seriously, I'm glad you've got enjoyable fics to read, and a safe place to explore gender in your games. Stories and games can be so important during difficult times, or when the real world is a scary place to live in.
I am a little interested in when my breaking point is going to come.
I kind of know the feeling, I think. I hope all the work you're putting into taking care of yourself makes it a little bit less of a crash whenever it arrives. (That feels like it might seem really grim to some people, that I'm basically agreeing with you that you probably will run out of cope at some point, but... it happens, doesn't it? And the silver lining to being depressed and anxious for so long is that at least we have experience putting ourselves back together.)
Sending you all the good thoughts, and thank you for continuing to update. <3