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Aug. 11th, 2023 01:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
catharsis_logsA feeling I had early on in the Afterwards was a somewhat similar feeling to what I had the first (and only so far) experience moving into an apartment. I wasn't working at the time, and it was before the time where I felt fairly comfortable using my GPS on my phone, so I was trapped. The apartment did not have wifi, the person I was living with worked, and I knew no one around me. I was living in a sparsely furnished bedroom, utterly alone with the only company being my friend's cat. I could not handle it psychologically. I was watching Twitch on my phone all the time to feel at least somewhat connected to other people. I called my dad to make sure my cell had unlimited data because I was going to be using it a lot.
I think I'm feeling a similar sort of loneliness right now. I've been watching Twitch streams a lot when previously I'd kind of been pulling back from watching a lot of it. I think that now that my dad is not in the background of my life anymore as a person I can ask advice from, and hug, and just hang out with, that I'm learning how precarious human relationships can be and how much I've kind of let things slide. It also kind of sucks how I... preferred spending time with my Dad over my Sister and now my Sister is all I have lmao.......
I want to create little 'moments' that I can remember later as good times. So I'm actually thinking of attempting to get together with my godparents more often, maybe at least once a year (at least) because they aren't getting any younger either. And getting many more pictures taken together. I want a picture of me hugging my godfather, and me hugging my godmother, and like, those images would be moments that would be slightly manufactured, but they might help me to look back with fondness and with less regret when they pass. Like I regret not having more pictures of my dad and me together. I regret not doing more things with him. One of the best things I did recently was take him to the Coast in April and he did really express his gratitude and that he got to hang out with me like that. So that's something to hold onto, but also I don't have more pictures of it! (I made sure to at least take a few so there's that)
I worked out tonight (didn't last night) and learned that I prefer to take showers at home (silly me thinking it'd be easier at the gym lmao). I'm going to physical therapy tomorrow and my friend Rachel is my PT. I want to have information on strengthening stuff, getting my energy levels up.
I want friends, I want community. I'm not a huge party person but I could see having a weekly board-game night or something, going to a music festival or going on a short hike.
I'm trying to be less scared and more confident. At the same time there are all these feelings like: "when a bad thing happens I won't be able to call my dad and get his help/comfort beyond looking at the sky and praying"
anyway, good night <3
I think I'm feeling a similar sort of loneliness right now. I've been watching Twitch streams a lot when previously I'd kind of been pulling back from watching a lot of it. I think that now that my dad is not in the background of my life anymore as a person I can ask advice from, and hug, and just hang out with, that I'm learning how precarious human relationships can be and how much I've kind of let things slide. It also kind of sucks how I... preferred spending time with my Dad over my Sister and now my Sister is all I have lmao.......
I want to create little 'moments' that I can remember later as good times. So I'm actually thinking of attempting to get together with my godparents more often, maybe at least once a year (at least) because they aren't getting any younger either. And getting many more pictures taken together. I want a picture of me hugging my godfather, and me hugging my godmother, and like, those images would be moments that would be slightly manufactured, but they might help me to look back with fondness and with less regret when they pass. Like I regret not having more pictures of my dad and me together. I regret not doing more things with him. One of the best things I did recently was take him to the Coast in April and he did really express his gratitude and that he got to hang out with me like that. So that's something to hold onto, but also I don't have more pictures of it! (I made sure to at least take a few so there's that)
I worked out tonight (didn't last night) and learned that I prefer to take showers at home (silly me thinking it'd be easier at the gym lmao). I'm going to physical therapy tomorrow and my friend Rachel is my PT. I want to have information on strengthening stuff, getting my energy levels up.
I want friends, I want community. I'm not a huge party person but I could see having a weekly board-game night or something, going to a music festival or going on a short hike.
I'm trying to be less scared and more confident. At the same time there are all these feelings like: "when a bad thing happens I won't be able to call my dad and get his help/comfort beyond looking at the sky and praying"
anyway, good night <3
no subject
Date: 2023-08-13 06:36 pm (UTC)I'm also really glad you did have that trip to the coast with your dad. Even though, at the same time...
I'm trying to be less scared and more confident. At the same time there are all these feelings like: "when a bad thing happens I won't be able to call my dad and get his help/comfort beyond looking at the sky and praying"
I know it's still so hard.
<3