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catharsis_logsLots of things have been happening... and not happening. I saw my therapist and she brought up some uncomfortable thoughts, so uncomfy that I might not talk about them even here. But! There was a moment of serendipity.
To get to my therapist's office from the parking garage that is 'free'(my therapist has like an 'up to two hours free' voucher for her office) I had to go through an alleyway, which slightly sketched me out because I'm a scardy-cat. When going back to the parking garage I went through the same alley-way (I was a bit turned around lmao) and at the end of the first alley there was a nondescript building in like a sort of half-basement and I noticed on the window it said something like '[the county] Geneological [place, I can't remember the whole name lmao] and I stepped forward and saw if it was a place I could actually go into, and there was a little red sign on the window that said "come in!"(or something like that) and so I went in.
There was an elderly lady at a welcome/information desk with an older desktop computer down a small carpeted flight of stairs, and then there was a middle-aged lady at a four-seat desk further in the back on a laptop. They both looked up at me, and the elderly lady (kindly) said "Can we help you?" and I gathered my thoughts and cleared my throat and sheepishly asked "I don't know if you can help me with this, but I'd like to find a grave?" and when they said sure I explained "My dad died a couple weeks ago, and I'm trying to find his mother's grave, to see if maybe we can intern some of his ashes with her." and they gave me their condolences and looked stuff up on their computer. The elderly lady found an old picture of my grandma and I gave her the party-fact that we talk about sometimes, which is that as a young woman my grandmother was almost the spitting image of the queen as a younger woman, and the woman looked more closely at the picture and said (with some surprise) "your dad was right!".
The middle-aged lady in the back (I'm realizing sheepishly now that I should have asked their names) said "I think I found her obituary!" and I went over to her computer and there it was! I'd been looking and looking and made a (free) membership on familysearch but I was reluctant to sign up for ancestry dot com because I didn't want to pay for it lmao and ancestry was what they had (obviously as they were a geneological group). And there she was. I took a picture thanked them profusely and then went on my way. I might go by this week on Thurs (which is when my next therapy appointment is) and give them some money and maybe ask a few more questions.
I also called the number my sister gave me of a woman who is a part of a family (that I don't want to name even though apparently I have like a(n almost literal lmao) million relatives) on the East coast that we are connected to by my grandmother (my mom's side of the family can fade into the distance as far as I'm concerned lmao). She's the 'historian' of the family and I wanted to ask her where my grandmother was buried, but she explained over the phone that she couldn't do that but that she would look up our potential connection to that family and then get back in contact with me. It was only after we'd hung up that I realized that I'd just finished talking with a relative...
...I'd also come out to her to explain any incongruousness with my records while before stepping out of the closet leading with "I hope this doesn't change your opinion of me" but I used to be [old name] and am now [my name]" and somewhat vaguely referenced that I'm a man now. And she said that of course she didn't mind and that she'd treat me just the same, and then when I thanked her for that while saying that some other people might have reacted badly she said "Well, it's between you and our lord Jesus Christ. I don't have to like it- I don't, but it's between you and god." And like... thanks? relative that lives in (oh god) Florida? And like, I'd gone into the phone call itself with a zen attitude, and listened to her talk about her life (she's got an interesting life) and hearing that I was like (in my head) 'oh, that's slightly disappointing, but at least she's gonna treat me like a human being?????????' LMAO.
SO. I'm going to look up the funeral home that apparently arranged my grandma's funeral and hope that they have a record of where she's buried (and hope that it's not in fucking UTAH with grandpa).
We're still waiting on my dad's ashes, and the death certificate(s). So we're in kind of a legal limbo right now regarding bills and money and other stuff. Which is SUCH a fun feeling.
I'm feeling more sureality. It's like daddy's just in the other room. I keep wanting to go to him and share things and having a little 'oh.' every time. Everything that reminds me of him makes me go 'oh.' right now. I'm reading fanfic and going 'oh' at freaking random points. I feel also that my grief is hiding in another room as well, and some of it leaks out from time to time, and I want to open the door to it, so that it doesn't build and maybe explode out of the room. It's like letting off pressure every once in a while. I'm trying to cry when I feel like crying, and feel the grief when it comes to the surface.
To get to my therapist's office from the parking garage that is 'free'(my therapist has like an 'up to two hours free' voucher for her office) I had to go through an alleyway, which slightly sketched me out because I'm a scardy-cat. When going back to the parking garage I went through the same alley-way (I was a bit turned around lmao) and at the end of the first alley there was a nondescript building in like a sort of half-basement and I noticed on the window it said something like '[the county] Geneological [place, I can't remember the whole name lmao] and I stepped forward and saw if it was a place I could actually go into, and there was a little red sign on the window that said "come in!"(or something like that) and so I went in.
There was an elderly lady at a welcome/information desk with an older desktop computer down a small carpeted flight of stairs, and then there was a middle-aged lady at a four-seat desk further in the back on a laptop. They both looked up at me, and the elderly lady (kindly) said "Can we help you?" and I gathered my thoughts and cleared my throat and sheepishly asked "I don't know if you can help me with this, but I'd like to find a grave?" and when they said sure I explained "My dad died a couple weeks ago, and I'm trying to find his mother's grave, to see if maybe we can intern some of his ashes with her." and they gave me their condolences and looked stuff up on their computer. The elderly lady found an old picture of my grandma and I gave her the party-fact that we talk about sometimes, which is that as a young woman my grandmother was almost the spitting image of the queen as a younger woman, and the woman looked more closely at the picture and said (with some surprise) "your dad was right!".
The middle-aged lady in the back (I'm realizing sheepishly now that I should have asked their names) said "I think I found her obituary!" and I went over to her computer and there it was! I'd been looking and looking and made a (free) membership on familysearch but I was reluctant to sign up for ancestry dot com because I didn't want to pay for it lmao and ancestry was what they had (obviously as they were a geneological group). And there she was. I took a picture thanked them profusely and then went on my way. I might go by this week on Thurs (which is when my next therapy appointment is) and give them some money and maybe ask a few more questions.
I also called the number my sister gave me of a woman who is a part of a family (that I don't want to name even though apparently I have like a(n almost literal lmao) million relatives) on the East coast that we are connected to by my grandmother (my mom's side of the family can fade into the distance as far as I'm concerned lmao). She's the 'historian' of the family and I wanted to ask her where my grandmother was buried, but she explained over the phone that she couldn't do that but that she would look up our potential connection to that family and then get back in contact with me. It was only after we'd hung up that I realized that I'd just finished talking with a relative...
...I'd also come out to her to explain any incongruousness with my records while before stepping out of the closet leading with "I hope this doesn't change your opinion of me" but I used to be [old name] and am now [my name]" and somewhat vaguely referenced that I'm a man now. And she said that of course she didn't mind and that she'd treat me just the same, and then when I thanked her for that while saying that some other people might have reacted badly she said "Well, it's between you and our lord Jesus Christ. I don't have to like it- I don't, but it's between you and god." And like... thanks? relative that lives in (oh god) Florida? And like, I'd gone into the phone call itself with a zen attitude, and listened to her talk about her life (she's got an interesting life) and hearing that I was like (in my head) 'oh, that's slightly disappointing, but at least she's gonna treat me like a human being?????????' LMAO.
SO. I'm going to look up the funeral home that apparently arranged my grandma's funeral and hope that they have a record of where she's buried (and hope that it's not in fucking UTAH with grandpa).
We're still waiting on my dad's ashes, and the death certificate(s). So we're in kind of a legal limbo right now regarding bills and money and other stuff. Which is SUCH a fun feeling.
I'm feeling more sureality. It's like daddy's just in the other room. I keep wanting to go to him and share things and having a little 'oh.' every time. Everything that reminds me of him makes me go 'oh.' right now. I'm reading fanfic and going 'oh' at freaking random points. I feel also that my grief is hiding in another room as well, and some of it leaks out from time to time, and I want to open the door to it, so that it doesn't build and maybe explode out of the room. It's like letting off pressure every once in a while. I'm trying to cry when I feel like crying, and feel the grief when it comes to the surface.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-23 04:46 am (UTC)That's a lovely little happenstance, that you saw the genealogical place and they were able to help you. It's really nice of you to think about giving them a donation, too. <3
And... I'm glad your relative in Florida could be relatively decent? It's always kind of frustrating when someone partly undermines the supportive statement they'd started out with, but at the same time, I wish more people would realize that what matters isn't whatever they happen to feel in their own head, but how they decide to act towards other people. So I'm glad she's halfway there anyway?
The legal limbo situation must be incredibly stressful. I hope that gets sorted out as smoothly as possible.
I'm trying to cry when I feel like crying, and feel the grief when it comes to the surface.
♥